(no subject)
Today I quit smoking. I have accomplished this by cleverly running out of cigarettes and money at the same time. It is a marvelous technique. I should market it on late night television. So far it has been a snap. I'm actually kind of disappointed. No shivering, no shaking, no jitters, irritability, or grinding of teeth. Not even mild craving. What gives here? I had a harder time dropping Pepsi for God's sake. Maybe I should just start mainlining heroin. Then I can get pale and emaciated and meet interesting people and try to rob them, mug people, knock over gas stations, throw up on myself, pass out in the street, go to jail, get clean, get out, and write a book about it. Maybe some songs too. Sounds like the american dream to me!
Right now I am working on a short story about a man who is forced to work beside zombies while the animals in his town slowly go crazy and start eating eachother. Also his children are homicidal maniacs and his fish tank has for some reason been taken over by needle toothed worms which have eaten his fish and then turned on eachother. He works in sales. They hire the zombies because they are honest and hard working and don't ever need to sleep. Perhaps I will post it as an entry if it is ever finished. Last night, on the advice of James ,I wrote a one act play in defense of our god given rigth to urinate in the sink. It is certainly destined to become an american classic.
Today, sitting at my desk, I suddenly got the idea to run out into the hall and do a front flip. I don't know why. I've never done any flipping before, except for those assisted by trampoline. I often see myself as flipping about rather extravantly in ninja or general crimefighting type scenarios, as though I am some how unable to move from place to place without inverting myself in midair. Of course, in imaginaryland (where I spend a disturbing portion of my time) any sort of acrobatics make you go faster while at the same time helping you to remain unnoticed by your enemies, who are capable of some pretty immpressive flips of thier own. The point: (thank you for waiting) It occured to me today that flips are probably not that difficult, and that the only thing preventing me from their execution thus far, has been my own timidity and resultant lack of attempt. With this rationale in mind I bounded from my seat and out into the wide hallway where, as my plan would have it, I would immediately leap into the air, perform a perfect front flip, and then return to my chair with an irrevocably increased estimation of my own faculties. The reality is that I leapt into the hall, was instantly overcome by the cold reality of gravityand its clear relation to neck injury, and stood there like a total jack-ass, bouncing gently on the balls of my feet as confused but by now unsurprisable hallmates looked on. I am not a ninja. My body has a very strong predisposition toward remaining upright and relatively stationary. It was disappointment that filled me as I returned to my room to listen to the Pixies and eat a day old brownie., returned like the disgraced and defeated warrior to his lonely dojo. On the extreme upside I just now got the best idea ever for an inspirational childrens book. It will be called "The Ninja Who Could Not Flip" and will be a heartwarming tale of an awkward but lovable outcast who eventually overcomes his limitations and learns to love and appreciate himself against the romantic background of feudal Japan. Anybody out there want to illustrate? We can split the resulting fortune fifty/fifty and be some rich, children's book writin' mothafuckahs. Awwwwww yeeeeeaaaah!
Right now I am working on a short story about a man who is forced to work beside zombies while the animals in his town slowly go crazy and start eating eachother. Also his children are homicidal maniacs and his fish tank has for some reason been taken over by needle toothed worms which have eaten his fish and then turned on eachother. He works in sales. They hire the zombies because they are honest and hard working and don't ever need to sleep. Perhaps I will post it as an entry if it is ever finished. Last night, on the advice of James ,I wrote a one act play in defense of our god given rigth to urinate in the sink. It is certainly destined to become an american classic.
Today, sitting at my desk, I suddenly got the idea to run out into the hall and do a front flip. I don't know why. I've never done any flipping before, except for those assisted by trampoline. I often see myself as flipping about rather extravantly in ninja or general crimefighting type scenarios, as though I am some how unable to move from place to place without inverting myself in midair. Of course, in imaginaryland (where I spend a disturbing portion of my time) any sort of acrobatics make you go faster while at the same time helping you to remain unnoticed by your enemies, who are capable of some pretty immpressive flips of thier own. The point: (thank you for waiting) It occured to me today that flips are probably not that difficult, and that the only thing preventing me from their execution thus far, has been my own timidity and resultant lack of attempt. With this rationale in mind I bounded from my seat and out into the wide hallway where, as my plan would have it, I would immediately leap into the air, perform a perfect front flip, and then return to my chair with an irrevocably increased estimation of my own faculties. The reality is that I leapt into the hall, was instantly overcome by the cold reality of gravityand its clear relation to neck injury, and stood there like a total jack-ass, bouncing gently on the balls of my feet as confused but by now unsurprisable hallmates looked on. I am not a ninja. My body has a very strong predisposition toward remaining upright and relatively stationary. It was disappointment that filled me as I returned to my room to listen to the Pixies and eat a day old brownie., returned like the disgraced and defeated warrior to his lonely dojo. On the extreme upside I just now got the best idea ever for an inspirational childrens book. It will be called "The Ninja Who Could Not Flip" and will be a heartwarming tale of an awkward but lovable outcast who eventually overcomes his limitations and learns to love and appreciate himself against the romantic background of feudal Japan. Anybody out there want to illustrate? We can split the resulting fortune fifty/fifty and be some rich, children's book writin' mothafuckahs. Awwwwww yeeeeeaaaah!