I told you we went and saw butterflies right?
Their little sleeping bags were so pretty.
-Crystal

It is amazing how unmanly I am. I was weeding my mother's garden when a toad seemingly jumped out of the hole I was digging; I FREAKED the fuck out. I thought the earth had come alive. 
-Doug

The people next door are having sex again. Midway through she started sing-fucking. I momentarily tried to place the tune, but then I thought that might be too voyeuristic to think about.
- Doug

I'm going to spend a week in your vagina.
Like a baby joey.
How do you feel about that.
-W.

"When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults."

"I think it’s interesting that ‘cologne’ rhymes with ‘alone.’"

-Demetri Martin

Doug's comment on what post-apocalyptic employment opportunities would be:

Scavenger, Cannibal... Rape Victim... and maybe Gladiator.

You know what I like about you
You're this smart,  attractive,  retard.
It's like,   people swoon and swoon and swoon,  and I doubt any of them realize that you are completely and utterly retarded.  :)

- Chris H., to me, on IM earlier today.

Doug wins twice:

#1
Doug: She is a cunt bitch!
Me: Do you mean cunt muscle?
Doug: She's too fat to have muscle.

#2
On the girl that he broke-up with, in an amazingly smooth manner, and he still makes-out with now and then:
I hope things with Anita continue to end well.

"My #1 sexual fantasy involves me shooting lasers out of my eyes."
-Crystal

Crystal: I talked to the erotic taxidermy guy earlier tonight.

Me: ooo, how'd that go?

Crystal: I only talked to him for a couple seconds. I think I'm gonna make him pound it and confess he loves fat girls and then punch him in the dick. That sounds ok I think.