:(
This has been a bad couple of weeks. Things are ugly. I pray I haven't screwed things up beyond repair this time. Here's the short-short-short version.....
A few things happened when I went to see Amy and we had some fights over stuff. When I got back she decided we needed to just be friends for now. I hurt her really badly, and the long distance thing is just too much, so just friends was all she could handle for right now. But theoretically, if I hang in there and stick with my plans of moving there, then things will get better and we'll be back to normal. For a while it seemed like that's how it was going. Things got better, but then they got worse again, and so on and so on.
The most recent time of "worse" started around Spring Break, when Amy hit a really rough time in her life and started questioning things. She's made some decisions that I'm not very happy about, and I'm really worried. I try to help get her back on the right path like she once did for me, but my words fail me and it all come out wrong and I end up making things worse and pushing her further away. Right now she's pretty far away. The things she has been doing scare me so much, and I feel so powerless to help her, and it really hurts. I understand I hurt her, and I understand she is questioning some stuff and working through some things, and I know I have to let her make her own decisions and live her own life, but that's really hard, because I don't want her to get hurt or make some of the same mistakes I did.
I don't know what to do, I just know that to stand by watching her do things that could potentially affect the rest of her life tears me up inside. So with that in mind, I basically told her if she's going to be doing ______ or ______ that I can't bear to watch and we need to cut things off alltogether, because being her friend right now and watching that is too hard. She doesn't like this idea at all, understandably. I thought about it some more, and I don't like it either. I don't think it's the best idea, and I think it might hurt things more than help. I need to suck it up and deal with the hurt and just let her live her life, but at the same time be there for her any time she needs me and prove my love and friendship to her.
So I did what anyone would have done after realizing something like that - I tried to tell her. I wrote a big long email, then left a fairly long message on her voicemail, then sent yet another email, and then last night left another message just to say I love her. The only problem is I've heard nothing back. Well, nothing except for a posting on her journal of some song lyrics that I don't understand. No emails, no returned calls, just lyrics that don't make sense to me. I don't know what this means. Maybe she's trying to give me the space I said I needed. Maybe she's giving me more space than I wanted just to spite me. Maybe she just deleted my emails and voicemails and has no idea what they said. Maybe she's just been super busy and I'm worrying over nothing. I don't know. But I know I am worried. I'm worried about her, especially since I didn't hear from her all weekend. And I'm worried about us, I'm worried I might have finally fucked things up for good. I love her. With every inch of my body mind and soul I love her. But my actions haven't been backing that up. Now I'm worried she's given up on me. I don't know what to do.
Amy, if you're reading this, please get in contact with me. Just a two sentence email, or a two minute phone call, or a journal entry that is a little more straightforward, or an offline message on Yahoo, something, anything. Let me know that you're okay. Let me know what's gone on the past few days, even if it's stuff I don't want to hear. Let me know that you haven't given up on me and that there's still a chance for us. Let me know what I need to do to make things better. I'll do it, I swear. I love you, and I want nothing more than to see you get better and see us get better and have things go back to the way they used to be. You wanna post Postal Service lyrics? How about some less obscure ones... I could go into the thing about freckles and puzzle pieces if you'd like. I still feel that way. I know I keep fucking up, and I truly am sorry. I want to make things right again. You are my angel, you are my soulmate, I love you. Let me know that you still love me too.
A few things happened when I went to see Amy and we had some fights over stuff. When I got back she decided we needed to just be friends for now. I hurt her really badly, and the long distance thing is just too much, so just friends was all she could handle for right now. But theoretically, if I hang in there and stick with my plans of moving there, then things will get better and we'll be back to normal. For a while it seemed like that's how it was going. Things got better, but then they got worse again, and so on and so on.
The most recent time of "worse" started around Spring Break, when Amy hit a really rough time in her life and started questioning things. She's made some decisions that I'm not very happy about, and I'm really worried. I try to help get her back on the right path like she once did for me, but my words fail me and it all come out wrong and I end up making things worse and pushing her further away. Right now she's pretty far away. The things she has been doing scare me so much, and I feel so powerless to help her, and it really hurts. I understand I hurt her, and I understand she is questioning some stuff and working through some things, and I know I have to let her make her own decisions and live her own life, but that's really hard, because I don't want her to get hurt or make some of the same mistakes I did.
I don't know what to do, I just know that to stand by watching her do things that could potentially affect the rest of her life tears me up inside. So with that in mind, I basically told her if she's going to be doing ______ or ______ that I can't bear to watch and we need to cut things off alltogether, because being her friend right now and watching that is too hard. She doesn't like this idea at all, understandably. I thought about it some more, and I don't like it either. I don't think it's the best idea, and I think it might hurt things more than help. I need to suck it up and deal with the hurt and just let her live her life, but at the same time be there for her any time she needs me and prove my love and friendship to her.
So I did what anyone would have done after realizing something like that - I tried to tell her. I wrote a big long email, then left a fairly long message on her voicemail, then sent yet another email, and then last night left another message just to say I love her. The only problem is I've heard nothing back. Well, nothing except for a posting on her journal of some song lyrics that I don't understand. No emails, no returned calls, just lyrics that don't make sense to me. I don't know what this means. Maybe she's trying to give me the space I said I needed. Maybe she's giving me more space than I wanted just to spite me. Maybe she just deleted my emails and voicemails and has no idea what they said. Maybe she's just been super busy and I'm worrying over nothing. I don't know. But I know I am worried. I'm worried about her, especially since I didn't hear from her all weekend. And I'm worried about us, I'm worried I might have finally fucked things up for good. I love her. With every inch of my body mind and soul I love her. But my actions haven't been backing that up. Now I'm worried she's given up on me. I don't know what to do.
Amy, if you're reading this, please get in contact with me. Just a two sentence email, or a two minute phone call, or a journal entry that is a little more straightforward, or an offline message on Yahoo, something, anything. Let me know that you're okay. Let me know what's gone on the past few days, even if it's stuff I don't want to hear. Let me know that you haven't given up on me and that there's still a chance for us. Let me know what I need to do to make things better. I'll do it, I swear. I love you, and I want nothing more than to see you get better and see us get better and have things go back to the way they used to be. You wanna post Postal Service lyrics? How about some less obscure ones... I could go into the thing about freckles and puzzle pieces if you'd like. I still feel that way. I know I keep fucking up, and I truly am sorry. I want to make things right again. You are my angel, you are my soulmate, I love you. Let me know that you still love me too.