Breaking Up
Some of you may know I recently broke up with my girlfriend. I did this via email since I'm such a big coward. I rationalized this to myself that since I had asked her out via email (a year ago on Thursday the 10th, actually), it seemed appropriate. But in retrospect it was just me avoiding conflict.
For those who are wondering, she didn't do anything even remotely wrong. It's all my fault. You know how people always say, "It's not you, it's me?" Well those people are usually lying. But in this case, it really is me.
It's about polyamory, actually. My psyche is just stretched too thin by having more than one relationship. I can't juggle the time I spend with different people. My priorities become cloudy, and I start thinking that everyone is disappointed in me because I'm not meeting their needs. And since I sometimes withdraw from stressful situations I'm often not meeting their needs. Plus, sometimes meeting my needs gets shuffled to the bottom of my priorities list.
Why I would attempt anything resembling a poly relationship? Well, I like the idea of having sex with other people. Yes, even with my sex drive somewhere near the centre of the earth, I still manage to feel like a big whore mentally. I'm still attracted to people - men and women - lots of times. I get all giggly and dumb around someone really hot. This has happened at work on several occassions with particularly hot customers. Luckily my coworkers haven't clued in or I'd be ridiculed mercilessly.
I also like the idea of having lots of cool friends. I was impressed with people I met who seemed to manage multiple relationships effortlessly (I know, it was all an illusion in my own mind) while simultaneously managing to organize the bi community and look great.
My wants seemed to add up to having cool friends I could sleep with, which seemed to add up to a girlfriend. I never was great at math. I know I made some hash of the logic stream somewhere.
There's also the ethics angle. I think I tried to turn my sluttishness into polyamory in order to make it seem more socially acceptable. Not that polyamory is socially accepted most places, but it's got the green light in many of the bi circles I inhabit. I guess the idea seems to be that I considered relationships higher on the ethics-o-metre than just fucking people. Or maybe I just thought others would. I sometimes have difficulty distinguishing what I think is right and wrong from what I suspect other people will think is right or wrong.
One might also ask, "Why did you try this again when it went so badly with Holly and Dave (not to be confused with Mr. Pugh)?" Well, I told myself that since Dave and Holly were both kind of....what's the word I'm looking for?......crazy....that it would be different with regular normal healthy people. I was wrong. Maybe it's just that I'm crazy. I am the only constant factor in these various relationship fuck-ups.
So I'm pulling back into monogamode. I'm focussing on Mr. Pugh and me as a couple and trying to repair some of the damage I did while trying to be a free spirit. I'm glad that abigor has friends she can rely on for comfort, venting, or processing. Knowing she didn't do anything wrong probably won't make it hurt any less.
For those who are wondering, she didn't do anything even remotely wrong. It's all my fault. You know how people always say, "It's not you, it's me?" Well those people are usually lying. But in this case, it really is me.
It's about polyamory, actually. My psyche is just stretched too thin by having more than one relationship. I can't juggle the time I spend with different people. My priorities become cloudy, and I start thinking that everyone is disappointed in me because I'm not meeting their needs. And since I sometimes withdraw from stressful situations I'm often not meeting their needs. Plus, sometimes meeting my needs gets shuffled to the bottom of my priorities list.
Why I would attempt anything resembling a poly relationship? Well, I like the idea of having sex with other people. Yes, even with my sex drive somewhere near the centre of the earth, I still manage to feel like a big whore mentally. I'm still attracted to people - men and women - lots of times. I get all giggly and dumb around someone really hot. This has happened at work on several occassions with particularly hot customers. Luckily my coworkers haven't clued in or I'd be ridiculed mercilessly.
I also like the idea of having lots of cool friends. I was impressed with people I met who seemed to manage multiple relationships effortlessly (I know, it was all an illusion in my own mind) while simultaneously managing to organize the bi community and look great.
My wants seemed to add up to having cool friends I could sleep with, which seemed to add up to a girlfriend. I never was great at math. I know I made some hash of the logic stream somewhere.
There's also the ethics angle. I think I tried to turn my sluttishness into polyamory in order to make it seem more socially acceptable. Not that polyamory is socially accepted most places, but it's got the green light in many of the bi circles I inhabit. I guess the idea seems to be that I considered relationships higher on the ethics-o-metre than just fucking people. Or maybe I just thought others would. I sometimes have difficulty distinguishing what I think is right and wrong from what I suspect other people will think is right or wrong.
One might also ask, "Why did you try this again when it went so badly with Holly and Dave (not to be confused with Mr. Pugh)?" Well, I told myself that since Dave and Holly were both kind of....what's the word I'm looking for?......crazy....that it would be different with regular normal healthy people. I was wrong. Maybe it's just that I'm crazy. I am the only constant factor in these various relationship fuck-ups.
So I'm pulling back into monogamode. I'm focussing on Mr. Pugh and me as a couple and trying to repair some of the damage I did while trying to be a free spirit. I'm glad that abigor has friends she can rely on for comfort, venting, or processing. Knowing she didn't do anything wrong probably won't make it hurt any less.