Psychic growth
Over the last few months things have sometimes been mentally and emotionally rough. This has been largely due to having to make adjustments to my sense of personal identity as my social, work, and economic circumstances change. Maybe it's been coming on since 2009, when I got the Dr. in front of my name. Regardless, I've been working out who I am now, what my values are now, and where I want to go with them.
My psyche has been rooting through my childhood. I know that some people report having suppressed unpleasant memories, but I seem to have suppressed happy ones. A woman I went to school with recently reminded me of a magic show I'd put on at one of my birthday parties. In the magic show she said that I made my brother disappear using a cardboard box. Once she'd mentioned it, I remembered designing the trick and practicing it with John. However, I didn't recall the birthday party, perhaps because it contradicted the narrative I had of myself as essentially friendless for wide swaths of my life. The truth turns out to be that lots of people liked me, reached out in friendship, etc., but I was too anxious, ignorant, or caught up in what I perceived as our class differences to accept and enjoy those friendships. One classmate's behaviour, which I interpreted at the time as cunningly taunting, I now realize were efforts to be friendly, which I consistently rebuffed. I feel kind of sorry, not only for having pushed away so many people, but for the kid I used to be who could have had a lot more friends if only she'd been able to get that poverty chip off her shoulder. The fact that my suffering was unnecessary doesn't detract from the fact that it was real. On the up side the "poor me" narrative was very motivating, and undoubtedly helped get me where I am. However, I don't feel that it's useful any more, and I prefer the broader perspective I now have.
As more possibilities open up for me I find that I'm revisiting my goals to determine if they're still reasonable. It's tricky, but it's also kind of exciting.
My psyche has been rooting through my childhood. I know that some people report having suppressed unpleasant memories, but I seem to have suppressed happy ones. A woman I went to school with recently reminded me of a magic show I'd put on at one of my birthday parties. In the magic show she said that I made my brother disappear using a cardboard box. Once she'd mentioned it, I remembered designing the trick and practicing it with John. However, I didn't recall the birthday party, perhaps because it contradicted the narrative I had of myself as essentially friendless for wide swaths of my life. The truth turns out to be that lots of people liked me, reached out in friendship, etc., but I was too anxious, ignorant, or caught up in what I perceived as our class differences to accept and enjoy those friendships. One classmate's behaviour, which I interpreted at the time as cunningly taunting, I now realize were efforts to be friendly, which I consistently rebuffed. I feel kind of sorry, not only for having pushed away so many people, but for the kid I used to be who could have had a lot more friends if only she'd been able to get that poverty chip off her shoulder. The fact that my suffering was unnecessary doesn't detract from the fact that it was real. On the up side the "poor me" narrative was very motivating, and undoubtedly helped get me where I am. However, I don't feel that it's useful any more, and I prefer the broader perspective I now have.
As more possibilities open up for me I find that I'm revisiting my goals to determine if they're still reasonable. It's tricky, but it's also kind of exciting.