A Change.
A lot has happened but I don't know how to look at it or where to start looking at it. I guess the change happened on August 22nd. Real life had become harder to face as my dreams started to become more and more vivid. But neither was right, the dreams or reality. Both were twisted and I was, quite frankly, tired of being tired. And then I realized in a completely new way something important: I can't live a normal life nor can what is my life be normal. Neither. It not only will not, but /can/ not be reality. I could try to mourn for a lost dream, but I fail to see what the point of that could possibly be. It is simply reality; either you accept it or you don't.
Two days later I played three games of airsoft. In the first game I had 3/4 of the hits on target and directed my allies to finish off the last kill. In addition I kept track of the entire enemy team, single-handedly stopping 2 ambushes by opponents who knew the lay of the land better than we did. I tried to pull back and play a more support role during the next two games, partially because I was worried that I had a few unfair advantages and partially because I wanted to trust my teammates to get the job done. The third game saw me missing a guy from five feet away. It was probably intentional on the part of some other influence to cause what happened next. The rest of my team had apparently been taken out and, with nothing left to guard at my base in this game of capture the flag, I proceeded to the enemy base and took out the entire enemy team by myself. That is simply not normal, especially for my first time. But, normal or not, that is what happens. And for me, that isn't really abnormal either.
Or, at least, it didn't used to be abnormal for me. When I played nerf I was one of two people who could take on the entire enemy team by myself, mostly because the darts would almost always turn to miss me (this didn't seem to be happening during airsoft, I won in a completely different way there). The one time I tried four wheelers the thing flipped over on me and bounced off my head without causing injury. Most of the time I suck at sports due to a lack of conditioning and experience, but there are times when I seemingly inexplicably become unstoppable. Sometimes I watch myself and tech myself to learn the skills, but even when not I still have the memory of having those skills such that I can learn it later. I've thought about it a lot, these abilities, and have always concluded that they were more trouble than they were worth. After-all, I can't even describe how long it took to convince myself that I wasn't crazy, so how could I expect any other sane and rational person to accept this aspect of myself? What good would be all the money you could ever want, power that rivals what many call "gods", or the understanding of the mysteries of the very fabric of the universe; at least when compared with true companionship and being a good person? I'm reminded of "Bruce Almighty" where God tells Bruce that the power that allows him to part the tomato soup is nothing more than a "party trick". And that is what it feels like because the true goals are for companionship, goodness, making a difference, being remembered, and many other things; but none of these require "party tricks" to accomplish and are quite often hindered by those things that go along with them.
Except for one important detail. We are not alone in this universe. While I tried to pretend I could live a "normal" life, the powers that be did not similarly limit themselves. I have grown too close to the veil to be out of reach of those who stand beyond it. Random chance only holds true so long as there is no directive influence, and you can only be free of outside influences if you have no virtue and no power to be useful toward any end. The dream to live as quietly as I had hoped can only exist in a complete denial of reality or a complete loss of virtue, ability, devotion, destiny, and more. What good, again then, is a worthless dream? It is better to seek something better than to reach for what simply does not exist and cannot ever exist.
The change in my thinking has returned a lot of improbabilities in my life, such as getting one job on the 28th and another on the 29th and lining up another likely job during the same week despite going over a year without a single offer, but that is life. Life as it truly is rather than how I might want it to be. I know now I could never be with a "normal" girl, it would not be good for either of us. I cannot attempt to choose or work jobs as though I was a normal person, I am designed for certain things that preclude certain other things. A distance runner's body is no good for a linebacker nor is a linebacker's body ideal for swimming, to give an example. I cannot expect good things to come without work but then the good that comes will almost always in some way exceed or simply be different than the work that I put into it. There will always either be some opportunity for growth or something pulling toward my unraveling, and usually it will be the same thing doing both. Many of these things may be true for everyone by varying degrees, I really don't know, but for now I simply need to reacquaint myself with them in light of the definite nature of these realities.
Two days later I played three games of airsoft. In the first game I had 3/4 of the hits on target and directed my allies to finish off the last kill. In addition I kept track of the entire enemy team, single-handedly stopping 2 ambushes by opponents who knew the lay of the land better than we did. I tried to pull back and play a more support role during the next two games, partially because I was worried that I had a few unfair advantages and partially because I wanted to trust my teammates to get the job done. The third game saw me missing a guy from five feet away. It was probably intentional on the part of some other influence to cause what happened next. The rest of my team had apparently been taken out and, with nothing left to guard at my base in this game of capture the flag, I proceeded to the enemy base and took out the entire enemy team by myself. That is simply not normal, especially for my first time. But, normal or not, that is what happens. And for me, that isn't really abnormal either.
Or, at least, it didn't used to be abnormal for me. When I played nerf I was one of two people who could take on the entire enemy team by myself, mostly because the darts would almost always turn to miss me (this didn't seem to be happening during airsoft, I won in a completely different way there). The one time I tried four wheelers the thing flipped over on me and bounced off my head without causing injury. Most of the time I suck at sports due to a lack of conditioning and experience, but there are times when I seemingly inexplicably become unstoppable. Sometimes I watch myself and tech myself to learn the skills, but even when not I still have the memory of having those skills such that I can learn it later. I've thought about it a lot, these abilities, and have always concluded that they were more trouble than they were worth. After-all, I can't even describe how long it took to convince myself that I wasn't crazy, so how could I expect any other sane and rational person to accept this aspect of myself? What good would be all the money you could ever want, power that rivals what many call "gods", or the understanding of the mysteries of the very fabric of the universe; at least when compared with true companionship and being a good person? I'm reminded of "Bruce Almighty" where God tells Bruce that the power that allows him to part the tomato soup is nothing more than a "party trick". And that is what it feels like because the true goals are for companionship, goodness, making a difference, being remembered, and many other things; but none of these require "party tricks" to accomplish and are quite often hindered by those things that go along with them.
Except for one important detail. We are not alone in this universe. While I tried to pretend I could live a "normal" life, the powers that be did not similarly limit themselves. I have grown too close to the veil to be out of reach of those who stand beyond it. Random chance only holds true so long as there is no directive influence, and you can only be free of outside influences if you have no virtue and no power to be useful toward any end. The dream to live as quietly as I had hoped can only exist in a complete denial of reality or a complete loss of virtue, ability, devotion, destiny, and more. What good, again then, is a worthless dream? It is better to seek something better than to reach for what simply does not exist and cannot ever exist.
The change in my thinking has returned a lot of improbabilities in my life, such as getting one job on the 28th and another on the 29th and lining up another likely job during the same week despite going over a year without a single offer, but that is life. Life as it truly is rather than how I might want it to be. I know now I could never be with a "normal" girl, it would not be good for either of us. I cannot attempt to choose or work jobs as though I was a normal person, I am designed for certain things that preclude certain other things. A distance runner's body is no good for a linebacker nor is a linebacker's body ideal for swimming, to give an example. I cannot expect good things to come without work but then the good that comes will almost always in some way exceed or simply be different than the work that I put into it. There will always either be some opportunity for growth or something pulling toward my unraveling, and usually it will be the same thing doing both. Many of these things may be true for everyone by varying degrees, I really don't know, but for now I simply need to reacquaint myself with them in light of the definite nature of these realities.