Dissipointed with myself.
I have been thinking about some things lately. Where I am and where I hoped to be. What I want to do. Why I am not farther toward my goals. Why my goals are not where I want to be. How things have messed up. How little I care about things that should be motivating. How many mistakes I have made in trying to do better. I feel like I am going through a mid-life crisis and I am still in my twenties. Normally I try to hide away from it through video games or being with people or just scarring over my emotions for that short reprieve. When I am doing well I try to move forward and I try to hold onto whatever hope there might be that things will get better. Sometimes the feelings of apprehension at moving toward greater pain and hardship overcome my hope that things will get better if I can simply make it through this next trial. I am tired, but unlike during some times in the past, I care that I am tired. In the past I had friends and acquaintances and people I cared for and people who cared for me; but I never became too attached due to the fact that the transience of their inclusion in my life was seen as a given. There was never any thought or expectation that life could be better, and so there was no sadness or disappointment in the fact that it wasn't any better. It was a comfortable shell, but a shell none the less. It was a form of protection. But that which protects from outside harm also deadens the senses to all outside stimulus. I understand why it may have been needed but I want to be strong enough to live without it.
During the mornings or late at night is the worst of it. It is during those times that I cannot hide from the thoughts through distractions. Even when I am not thinking I often end up finding that tears are leaking out of my eyes with no other reason than the ache that has become "normal" to me. I remember my X-girlfriend and how I wronged her. I was trying to make the relationship work and yet I went too far. I never slept with her or even kissed her, but I still want to apologize for what I did do even though I have already done so and been forgiven. I think back to the jobs that I did have and how I should have worked harder. The places were torture for me and often ended in a daily struggle for my very sanity, but I often find myself wondering if I wasn't better off with that stability rather in my current state where not even fast food places will give me a call-back about a job. I have so many gifts and I have been given so much but I see so little effect in my life from all of that. I wonder if others are right when they say that the lack of great deeds and position shows that the gifts are not real and the path is wrong. I would gladly and enthusiastically change my direction immediately except that this is where God has led me and where He is, and that is worth more to me than everything else combined (and I say that with full painful realization of what that means).
This much I know. God is faithful even when we are not. I have failed and seen Him comfort and remain with me enough to know that this is true without any room for doubt. God is enough even when we fail to have anything to give back. I have been down too long, even coming to the point at times when I did not even have the strength to care about the provisions that were given for me, so that there is no way for me to question the fact that there is nothing I am expected to do to earn or pay back what I have been given. God loves us because he chooses to do so and because it is part of his nature to care deeply about us, though I don't claim to understand why. I have seen too much of Him, experiencing and seeing Him in ways that likely very few ever will while on this earth, to be able to believe any different.
Even so, it is hard to move forward and it is even harder to see myself not moving forward. I fear trouble, pain, and difficulty; despite knowing that those will come with growth. I fear disappointments despite knowing that those can only come when you have something that is worth enough to care about and to hope for. I fear success, with all of the pressure of greater expectations; but I also fear failure, because of the way I miss fulfilling those expectations. And, despite knowing that all these things are mutually exclusive in any type of health outlook on things, I still feel tied down by so many contradictions. I know better, yet I very often lack the strength to do better. Overall, I just feel disappointed in myself. I want to be more and better, but I know that I am not.
I should listen more to this song, it seems to help somewhat:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYa1eI1hpDE&ob=av2e
During the mornings or late at night is the worst of it. It is during those times that I cannot hide from the thoughts through distractions. Even when I am not thinking I often end up finding that tears are leaking out of my eyes with no other reason than the ache that has become "normal" to me. I remember my X-girlfriend and how I wronged her. I was trying to make the relationship work and yet I went too far. I never slept with her or even kissed her, but I still want to apologize for what I did do even though I have already done so and been forgiven. I think back to the jobs that I did have and how I should have worked harder. The places were torture for me and often ended in a daily struggle for my very sanity, but I often find myself wondering if I wasn't better off with that stability rather in my current state where not even fast food places will give me a call-back about a job. I have so many gifts and I have been given so much but I see so little effect in my life from all of that. I wonder if others are right when they say that the lack of great deeds and position shows that the gifts are not real and the path is wrong. I would gladly and enthusiastically change my direction immediately except that this is where God has led me and where He is, and that is worth more to me than everything else combined (and I say that with full painful realization of what that means).
This much I know. God is faithful even when we are not. I have failed and seen Him comfort and remain with me enough to know that this is true without any room for doubt. God is enough even when we fail to have anything to give back. I have been down too long, even coming to the point at times when I did not even have the strength to care about the provisions that were given for me, so that there is no way for me to question the fact that there is nothing I am expected to do to earn or pay back what I have been given. God loves us because he chooses to do so and because it is part of his nature to care deeply about us, though I don't claim to understand why. I have seen too much of Him, experiencing and seeing Him in ways that likely very few ever will while on this earth, to be able to believe any different.
Even so, it is hard to move forward and it is even harder to see myself not moving forward. I fear trouble, pain, and difficulty; despite knowing that those will come with growth. I fear disappointments despite knowing that those can only come when you have something that is worth enough to care about and to hope for. I fear success, with all of the pressure of greater expectations; but I also fear failure, because of the way I miss fulfilling those expectations. And, despite knowing that all these things are mutually exclusive in any type of health outlook on things, I still feel tied down by so many contradictions. I know better, yet I very often lack the strength to do better. Overall, I just feel disappointed in myself. I want to be more and better, but I know that I am not.
I should listen more to this song, it seems to help somewhat:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYa1eI1hpDE&ob=av2e