(no subject)
Brokenness Aside by All Sons And Daughters
Cause I am a sinner
If its not one thing its another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
You are the Savior
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful
I am growing. I need to remember that. Even as I fail over and over again, I need to remember that I fail for different reasons each time. That is a good thing to remember. Because, if I don't remember it, I will pretty certainly fall into a depression caused by my inability to keep from doing things that I know hurt someone that I love. Even despite the fact that she does not feel hurt, that does not keep me from recognizing the hurt that is there anyways; though it does allow me to deal with it without the fear that my weakness toward her hidden desires causes her to hate me.
Even so, I still worry that things will fall apart again. I know the difficulty that will come, that cannot be avoided as we are now, and that is likely to happen just because it can. I have noticed that I have been unconsciously "making memories", as though I expect these things to be necessary for the future. This worries me. The last time this happened was right before she left last time. I remember knowing that it was coming and something in me just wanted to do something meaningful before it all ended. This time I can't tell if it is going to end, which I try to tell myself is a good sign since I am generally skilled at seeing the bad and if I don't see it in some way than it is likely not bad, but really I don't know if I would be capable of bearing this bad and accepting it rationally if it was presented to me. Being with her makes me feel less like a freak, less like the monster in an old black-and-white movie that causes the townsfolk to run in terror; more like a real person who can give and live without having to hide for it. After what happened with my last friend who could understand, I am really weak in that area. I don't know what to do about this weakness. I need to know that it is ok to be what I am and that I won't be rejected because of it. I don't know how to find that and most of my experiences tell me the exact opposite. All I know is that I want to try to leave her with something worth having and keeping even if I myself am not that something. Something makes me feel like that /should/ be wrong, that I should want and expect something for myself as well; but it still feels like a choice between someone pursuing someone else's happiness and desiring something that cannot ever be expected to be true. I want to believe that good can happen to me and not disappear, but I just can't do that yet. So instead I will at least try to live like this is true, as I know it is and should be, and try to make it true for others until I can bring myself to believe it.
As for Girl A, I have already given her experiences that she will never forget and shown her as much love and concern as I possibly can. I will continue this as long as I am allowed for as long as it is in any way possible, even as I try to give better things and less broken things than I have been giving. That really is all I can do.
Cause I am a sinner
If its not one thing its another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
You are the Savior
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful
I am growing. I need to remember that. Even as I fail over and over again, I need to remember that I fail for different reasons each time. That is a good thing to remember. Because, if I don't remember it, I will pretty certainly fall into a depression caused by my inability to keep from doing things that I know hurt someone that I love. Even despite the fact that she does not feel hurt, that does not keep me from recognizing the hurt that is there anyways; though it does allow me to deal with it without the fear that my weakness toward her hidden desires causes her to hate me.
Even so, I still worry that things will fall apart again. I know the difficulty that will come, that cannot be avoided as we are now, and that is likely to happen just because it can. I have noticed that I have been unconsciously "making memories", as though I expect these things to be necessary for the future. This worries me. The last time this happened was right before she left last time. I remember knowing that it was coming and something in me just wanted to do something meaningful before it all ended. This time I can't tell if it is going to end, which I try to tell myself is a good sign since I am generally skilled at seeing the bad and if I don't see it in some way than it is likely not bad, but really I don't know if I would be capable of bearing this bad and accepting it rationally if it was presented to me. Being with her makes me feel less like a freak, less like the monster in an old black-and-white movie that causes the townsfolk to run in terror; more like a real person who can give and live without having to hide for it. After what happened with my last friend who could understand, I am really weak in that area. I don't know what to do about this weakness. I need to know that it is ok to be what I am and that I won't be rejected because of it. I don't know how to find that and most of my experiences tell me the exact opposite. All I know is that I want to try to leave her with something worth having and keeping even if I myself am not that something. Something makes me feel like that /should/ be wrong, that I should want and expect something for myself as well; but it still feels like a choice between someone pursuing someone else's happiness and desiring something that cannot ever be expected to be true. I want to believe that good can happen to me and not disappear, but I just can't do that yet. So instead I will at least try to live like this is true, as I know it is and should be, and try to make it true for others until I can bring myself to believe it.
As for Girl A, I have already given her experiences that she will never forget and shown her as much love and concern as I possibly can. I will continue this as long as I am allowed for as long as it is in any way possible, even as I try to give better things and less broken things than I have been giving. That really is all I can do.