Reflections
(Just to spare you some scrolling, I've used LJ cuts.)
This morning, I read quite a bit. I browsed through several of my friends' journals, as I haven't been keeping up very well for the past two or three weeks. I've been too busy with work and home to get in touch with the people that matter to me. My mind has reoccupied with everyone else's concerns, problems, and secrets...and I wonder when I'll actually have the time to think about myself. Chalk it up to empathy, but I've always had this small, but powerful part of me that's highly sensitive tot he world around me. When someone's near me and smiling, I smile. When someone's near me and crying, I want to cry. I'm in tune with those who're around me, but when am I actually in tune with myself? This week has just thrown my state of being into chaos...
On Sunday night, someone close to me finally came out to his parents. It's been touch and go ever since. His mother isn't speaking to him (she's been crying too), though she knows the entire truth--boyfriend and all. At least she was the one who approached him on the topic. If anything, this shows she's willing to listen to him when the time comes. As for the rest of his family, based on her reaction, he's hesitant to tell them. I spent a good two hours talking wth him, doing whatever I could to help him out. My phone died midconversation, so we switched to AIM. He promised to keep me updated. Should he need to get away for a few days, I've offered him a place to stay. He's been in my thoughts all week.
Well, that's only half of it. I feel as if I'm the one who forced him into this situation. I've been urging him to come out before his parents realized he has a boyfriend. He tells me it was the perfect time to tell them, since he's leaving for college in the fall and his relationship with his boyfriend is stable. I knew that things would get ugly if they heard this from any mouth other than his. I'm glad he found the courage to answer his mother's questions, but I can only feel guilt. Incredible amounts of guilt. On top of that, the fact that he came to me first--he's never let down his guard like this before--intensifies those feelings. And I hate myself. I hate myself.
I'm not one to ignore the powerful nature of thoughts. Even the act of thinking, much less doing, exerts an incredible influence on the universe--our actions, the actions of others, narrowing down future outcomes--guiding them towards a resolution. I find myself trying to make amends on two levels--to him and to myself--and failing miserably.
There's more.
I admit that I'm not the greatest when it comes to socializing...especially when it comes to spending quality time with others. I do well when it comes to conversin with multiple people, as I can float around and briefly speak to everybody, coming and going as I please. But when it comes to spending time with one person, I tend to withdraw. Conversations are short. I listen well most of the time, but I never speak. Half the time, I'm convinced I've nothing meaningful to contribute. As for the other half, everything's already there in in my mind, existing in perfect clarity. Yet the words escape in some imcomprehensible mess that leaves me confused more than ever. My defenses are always up...I can't understand why they're always raised. I can't understand why I never let them down.
lorele, your most recent post lingers in my thoughts. I find myself trying to become a person others would like see, but never the person I'd like to see. I feel false. If I were a sculpture and someone took a chisel and hammer to me, they'd realize I'm nothing but a shell. The marble falls away, exposing hollowness. I feel a sense of powerlessness every day. It haunts me. It poisons me. You may not have a car, but I do. I can take my physical self to other places at will, but I've yet to find a place my soul wishes to experience. One day, I'll find a place, perhaps even a person, who can nourish both my body and soul.
I don't know how I'm going to grow. I'm constantly criticizing myself for being uncultured. I can't hold interests for more than a few weeks. I'm moving farther and farther away from the world of gaming. I'm drifting away from anime. Everything that used to spark a flame of interest is floating in choppy harbor waters, tethered to the pier by single strands of spider silk. I'm trying to live up to the expectations of others and managing to do so. I'm trying to live up to my own expectations and I don't know what they are. It's because of all that I have this sense of lonliness, even when I'm around friends and family. I reach out, only to withdraw again. I want to fit in, but not at the expense of losing myself. I can't make that sacrifice.
"I want to live myself light-hearted by the time it's all over.
I can't take it all so seriously or keep distorting my perspective.
I wish I had someone by my side that would make it feel less alone.
But I still believe in being a free radical in the unified field,
and for that, maybe I am destined to never be bonded into a pair,
or perhaps, it is an inevitable experience to find my pairing."
I saw myself. Everything on the inside cried when I heard these words, but the tears never came to my eyes.
I'm craving guidance, yet I'm afraid to seek it at the same time.