Unload...
I feel lost. I don't know what to make of life anymore. I'm overweight, unhappy, and hardly look forward to a new day when it arrives. The person I love and have sacrificed so much for can barely stand to be with me most of the time, at least that's the feeling that I get from her. Graduating High School was the highlight of my past years. Then I started dating Amber and things were great with her and I. I'm typing this around 2AM because I'm actually too afraid to talk to her about how I'm feeling, thinking, or anything anymore. She does know me better than anyone else that I can actually think of surprisingly enough. She is so hard to try and nail down how she will react to one thing or another.
I miss my friends. I miss going to hang out and do nothing. I know I'm lazy but hell hanging out is about whatever the hell you feel like doing right? Meh, rambling is a particular ability of mine. I look back on my memories a lot to try and escape to a time when I was happier, often High School and my trip to Europe pop into my head. I always had friends throughout school, no individual group, could talk to anybody and pretty much at least knew everyone. I don't understand why Amber has such a fit whenever I see someone that I went to school with in a store or out somewhere and I yell "Hi" at them or give them a wave. I feel like I've done something wrong when all I can tell that I've done is pretty much re-acquaint myself with that person. Anyway, getting back to the friends, I miss just listening to music with other people, acting stupid, watching movies with friends, going places with more than 1 person in my car. I haven't gone back to the High School since I graduated and I have wanted to badly. There are many teachers that are there that I miss. Mrs.Marsh for one, well, she's probably about the only one still there that I really had, I wouldn't even mind to go see Mr. Hale especially since he helped me so much with my Senior portfolio. I miss just having friends..
Working at Wal-Mart is a pain in my ass. I hate when I get a dumb-ass that doesn't know shit about electronics and apparently is in the mood for spending money and annoying me with absolutely pointless questions. We have had to start leaving the stands on the bottom of the TV's because I'm sure like I was, every employee at every store was getting asked this question about 70 times a week, "Do these TV's come with stands?" Holy SHIT YES THEY DO DUMB ASS! I'm sorry but working at that store has given me no hope in humanity. I can grade a question as valid or a waste of my time probably within the first few seconds of the person speaking. Ex: I picked the phone up the other day to hear. "Yuh, this fuckin' phone I got the other..." and that's when I stopped paying attention, although it pained me so, I stayed on the line with the moron and tried to work something out with him since he had obviously had the phone longer than he would have been able to return it. What I don't understand is how some of these people got to be managers of this store. I can respect one guy working hard enough all the way up from cart pusher to assistant manager, hard work is one thing, intelligence is another. And! I will say this now, being an asshole does not garner you any respect, does not increase efficiency, and is not beneficial to a workplace environment, being an ass because you're a manager is what some of them live to do.
I desperately feel a lot of the time that I want to be single. I love Amber, at least I still think that I do. I love Kylie most of all. It breaks my heart to think of leaving her. I know I'm not the best boyfriend in the world, but I do mean well most of the time I think. Another worry is that I may be an actual dad, I am utterly terrified of that. I see college going out the door(not that it's done any good anyway), and being one of the countless young parents with no money to them, living off the government partly, not able to afford anything myself. Hell, I do well just to pay my half of the utility bill, some groceries, and my gas in my car. I am still dependent on my parents for my car insurance, health insurance(whatever good that is now), and my cell phone (which I really don't need a big fancy plan or anything), not to mention that they are also paying for my college as well. I know I have it pretty good, I don't think I'm spoiled as Amber constantly says that I am, I honestly do appreciate all the opportunities I've been given and all the things that are actually taken care of for me.
I never realized just quite how different my life was going to be after High School, and especially after dating Amber for 3 years now. I miss everything, everyone(mostly). I really did and do love a lot of my friends. Some I wanted to be more than friends, but was fine not being more, even having been turned down, still fine. I hate that I feel like I'm hiding a secret whenever I go to work and see people I know there, that is about the happiest I can get, I miss people, I miss getting hugs as stupid as that probably sounds. Childish I'm sure is what I seem like and probably still am, I don't understand a lot of this so called "life". I have such a grim outlook on things, I am scared to death of possibilities that get stuck in my head. I feel like I am heading towards a nervous breakdown or some state of depression, maybe thats just wishful thinking or maybe I need to start seeing a shrink. My mind is all messed up, I feel like I need a break from life, not just my life, but life period. Just suspend everything in the world around me, make it appear that I am non-existent. I swear I am having a "what would the world be like if I had never been born?" scenarios.
Anywhoo, I'm tired. Going off to sleep with the devil. Hopefully I can keep this thing posted to again. This might help me feel better.
-Adam
I miss my friends. I miss going to hang out and do nothing. I know I'm lazy but hell hanging out is about whatever the hell you feel like doing right? Meh, rambling is a particular ability of mine. I look back on my memories a lot to try and escape to a time when I was happier, often High School and my trip to Europe pop into my head. I always had friends throughout school, no individual group, could talk to anybody and pretty much at least knew everyone. I don't understand why Amber has such a fit whenever I see someone that I went to school with in a store or out somewhere and I yell "Hi" at them or give them a wave. I feel like I've done something wrong when all I can tell that I've done is pretty much re-acquaint myself with that person. Anyway, getting back to the friends, I miss just listening to music with other people, acting stupid, watching movies with friends, going places with more than 1 person in my car. I haven't gone back to the High School since I graduated and I have wanted to badly. There are many teachers that are there that I miss. Mrs.Marsh for one, well, she's probably about the only one still there that I really had, I wouldn't even mind to go see Mr. Hale especially since he helped me so much with my Senior portfolio. I miss just having friends..
Working at Wal-Mart is a pain in my ass. I hate when I get a dumb-ass that doesn't know shit about electronics and apparently is in the mood for spending money and annoying me with absolutely pointless questions. We have had to start leaving the stands on the bottom of the TV's because I'm sure like I was, every employee at every store was getting asked this question about 70 times a week, "Do these TV's come with stands?" Holy SHIT YES THEY DO DUMB ASS! I'm sorry but working at that store has given me no hope in humanity. I can grade a question as valid or a waste of my time probably within the first few seconds of the person speaking. Ex: I picked the phone up the other day to hear. "Yuh, this fuckin' phone I got the other..." and that's when I stopped paying attention, although it pained me so, I stayed on the line with the moron and tried to work something out with him since he had obviously had the phone longer than he would have been able to return it. What I don't understand is how some of these people got to be managers of this store. I can respect one guy working hard enough all the way up from cart pusher to assistant manager, hard work is one thing, intelligence is another. And! I will say this now, being an asshole does not garner you any respect, does not increase efficiency, and is not beneficial to a workplace environment, being an ass because you're a manager is what some of them live to do.
I desperately feel a lot of the time that I want to be single. I love Amber, at least I still think that I do. I love Kylie most of all. It breaks my heart to think of leaving her. I know I'm not the best boyfriend in the world, but I do mean well most of the time I think. Another worry is that I may be an actual dad, I am utterly terrified of that. I see college going out the door(not that it's done any good anyway), and being one of the countless young parents with no money to them, living off the government partly, not able to afford anything myself. Hell, I do well just to pay my half of the utility bill, some groceries, and my gas in my car. I am still dependent on my parents for my car insurance, health insurance(whatever good that is now), and my cell phone (which I really don't need a big fancy plan or anything), not to mention that they are also paying for my college as well. I know I have it pretty good, I don't think I'm spoiled as Amber constantly says that I am, I honestly do appreciate all the opportunities I've been given and all the things that are actually taken care of for me.
I never realized just quite how different my life was going to be after High School, and especially after dating Amber for 3 years now. I miss everything, everyone(mostly). I really did and do love a lot of my friends. Some I wanted to be more than friends, but was fine not being more, even having been turned down, still fine. I hate that I feel like I'm hiding a secret whenever I go to work and see people I know there, that is about the happiest I can get, I miss people, I miss getting hugs as stupid as that probably sounds. Childish I'm sure is what I seem like and probably still am, I don't understand a lot of this so called "life". I have such a grim outlook on things, I am scared to death of possibilities that get stuck in my head. I feel like I am heading towards a nervous breakdown or some state of depression, maybe thats just wishful thinking or maybe I need to start seeing a shrink. My mind is all messed up, I feel like I need a break from life, not just my life, but life period. Just suspend everything in the world around me, make it appear that I am non-existent. I swear I am having a "what would the world be like if I had never been born?" scenarios.
Anywhoo, I'm tired. Going off to sleep with the devil. Hopefully I can keep this thing posted to again. This might help me feel better.
-Adam