it is better to have loved than lost, alas i have just done both
Yes, it has been a long time since I decided to post anything here, whether you lot read it or not is up to you. I just lost what I thought to be a great relationship though rocky at times, great none the less. It does really hurt that I didn't notice how bad things were, I guess I'm just that dense of a guy. I tried to take notice of everything that seemed important, asking what was wrong (though I suppose that I should already have known about anything that could have possibly caused a problem), I thought that I was doing a fairly good job of being a boyfriend. We definitely had our differences, in fact we were just about polar opposites but that doesn't mean that we couldn't work things out. There were so many times where I wanted to know why in the hell anyone would do something that she did, but I didn't care what it was, I would be or try to be right along with her though never having a chance to participate in anything, whether that was a good or bad thing I don't know. Just for that thought I blame my parents for shielding/denying experiences/instilling values that I couldn't forget no matter how hard I tried, (sorry, I'll deviate from the main subject from time to time). Back on track, whatever had been going wrong I didn't know, hopefully I may find out someday, maybe our differences finally caught up with her a lot more than they did me. I knew that this day would come sooner or later, I would have preferred later, much later, but I guess that its better to get it over with. I hate the fact that I won't have someone to hug/kiss/hold hands with (yes I liked that, I'm a guy but get over it), and I also hate that I know I'll go back to being desperately envious of other couples that will undoubtedly walk around and do everything that I wish that I could still do. All that I want to do now is know where I went wrong with anything, if anything was really my fault, if I could have done anything to keep our relationship going on as long as possible, I suppose that we had already reached the "as long as possible point". I know that I tried as hard as I could to make any allowance for her, to make everything all right...maybe it wasn't enough. I know that I could get annoying at times, I do that to everyone at some point and I know that she made a great allowance for me on that, maybe she reached her limit I don't know. Whenever I did something wrong, couldn't do something, or just plain forgot something (the list goes on), I would respond with endless apologies which now that I think about it must have gotten increasingly annoying after 6+ months. I really don't know where I'm going with all this so please forgive. The "lets just be friends" line I know is said all too frequently throughout the world I'm sure, it has to be one of the simultaneously best and worst things to ever hear, good to stay friends, and bad that you cant know the pleasure of a true kiss from them any time soon. It may take me a while to really get over such a long investment from my life, I do, I really do want to stay friends with her (you if you're reading this, though youre probably not), and I want anyone to do this for me, I don't ever want to intentionally/unintentionally hurt her in any way, nor do i want anyone else that takes my well-being a bit too seriously (though I doubt this will happen), to go out and harrass her in any way, if you do I can promise that I will never talk to you again, I've seen her hurt more than I thought any one person could be and I don't want her to ever go through that again. Yes I do still love her, I doubt that will ever totally go away, she has been my first real girl friend and I fell for her, hard at that, my first person that I've ever been really comfortable with, my first kiss... I love her and I can be glad that I was able to spend even a second with her let alone 6 months. I will move on eventually, just give me time, just have to get back into the swing of things. I don't really have an end to this, so goodbye, comment if you wish.
--adam
--adam