this is probably the best.. not to mention the worst idea that i have ever had.. -- i love chiodos
this weekend i didn't go out partying once.
that's like... a real accomplishment. everyone was shocked that i didn't go to the bar.
that say's a lot about my character, huh?
and sitting in this weekend i thought a lot. like, a lot.
and i came to some good conclusions and realized some things that i knew but wouldn't step forward about.
there's this boy bobby who likes me, he's a really nice guy... but that's it.
there's certain moments when i'm like woah, he's so cool... but then it's just not there for me.
i feel horrible because i do want to get to know him but he's not my type at all and although giving people chances is probably wise... i just can't get myself to do it.
i really think i just like having people like me.
i can not see myself with him ya know?
and i'm okay with saying this.
even if people think i'm a bitch... i'm not going to push myself.
i feel like i just want someone so bad that i'll take whatever.. but in reality, i won't take whatever because i can't be with someone that i'm not attracted to. there are times when i think he's cute... but then it goes away. like.. if i was sure, then why not.. but i'm not and i won't be.
donnie, shaun.. they're my type. not this kid.
and i don't know why i feel like i need to explain this as much as i am but i feel like i need to explain myself. i don't know why. i feel like i should give him a chance but i don't want to.
it's like the dan thing. i thought i liked him but then i realized there's nothing there and even if there is like.. a small something there.. there are too many other things outruling it.
i really do just like to lead men on... it's like a game with me.
and then when a boy leads me on.. i want them. when they're in control it makes me weak at the knees.
but when i have control, i think the boys that i'm in control of, are pathetic. isn't that horrible?
it is horrible, but it's the truth and i never said i was a saint.
i really do want donnie back.. like some days i just get hit so hard by the way i feel for him and it throws me off balance cause i'm like "i thought i was doing better". but then i realize i'm not. and i think the only reason i do so well with not calling him like crazy and stuff, is because i'm so busy this semester. last time we hooked up he told me there are things he misses about us and of course he misses "us" sometimes. also that when it's time and if he's here... we'll be back together. i mean.. we had a good talk. and he told me how he likes that i'm not up his ass anymore... with like my calling and what not. and i agree, i feel that i'm doing a good job living my own life during this time that we're not together.
and even though i don't like admitting this because everyone always doubts me... i really do believe we'll get back together in time. it will happen... it's just right now we aren't at that stage.
but it's funny, cause when we are together.. it feels like things haven't changed.
i can honestly tell that he trys to make sure he keeps some kind of wall up between us.. but i also can tell that it crumbles on him at moments and the donnie i know comes out.
i know what's going on with him.. he can't show that he wants it.. but he does. he has and will because it's just the way we are. it's that connection that we have that he misses.
i know he misses it... i just don't understand why he doesn't act on it.
i think we'll be fine.. i just don't know when it'll work out.
i really do hope and want it to work out, in all honesty.
he really is the only one that completes me. it's the truth. he makes me feel so comfortable and makes me like myself. he's the one and i know it.
people might think it's just me being a nutjob cause he was my first love. but that's not it at all. i know it's not. and i think he knows it's not that way either. i really do believe he feels the way i do. he just wants to be young and live that kind of carefree life right now.
idk. ah.
and then there's that boy shaun i hooked up with.. the one i met at the bar.
i find him to be the next best thing to donnie.
i've never wanted someone even close to the way i want donnie.. nor will i.. but shaun is up there.
he's sexy, he's emo, and he has a fun personality.
he made me feel special. which is probably pathetic because he probably makes every girl feel special but i really had fun with him.
he stayed with me for like.. 6 hours at the bar.. which is pretty insane considering boys usually peace out to other people. but it was me, kristina, vaughny (with some random guy), and his three friends all night. the only time he got up was to go get beer and to pee haha. and it was cute, i would walk by the bar to go check on vaughny cause she was at the other end with some other random guy and he would be like "cait, where are you going? you're not leaving are you." and then he asked to kiss me one time, he was polite and i enjoyed that. we went to his friends dorm room at like.. 4 and then kristina and i got home by 7 something. it was a great night. and he was great in bed. like, great.. and this is going to sound slutty, but whatever. i would love to sleep with him again. he didn't even push for sex... it was my decision. which i also thought was very cool. it was my choice on what we did. we could have just made out but i wanted more. i'm greedy, i know. and he really just made me feel like i was attractive. i don't know.
i've only felt comfortable with donnie like that.. and it was really nice to know i can feel comfortable with someone else like that. but it's only been those two. i'm really beginning to believe i'm meant to date one of them. i still think donnie and i will get married. but i think i could definately date shaun. like... i could really see myself with either of them. i think it could definately work. they're just my type ya know? too bad donnie doesn't want a relationship and shaun's a whore and in florida.
oi vey.
i really want either of them. i don't care how that sounds... i really do.
besides men. school is fucking stressing me out. i have three songs due this week and i'm like... going crazy about it. i need to finish learning them or it's going to be horrible. it's really important to learn them. i've worked on them but i still need to get them down.. and i need to memorize a whole monologue before tuesday. AAAAAAAHHHHH.
i'm so ready for christmas break. i hope to see donnie before i go to mexico.
talking about mexico.. i'm so excited to go. it's going to be such a great time with jen and the babies. i can't wait to swim up to the bar with jen hahaha. i also want to go shopping and get tan. it's going to be a great time. i'm so excited to spend time with my family. i never really get to go on vacation with the babies. i mean we went camping but that was like... hard cause we were in a small cabin with 6 people. and florida was a long time ago but that was fun. but now they're older and they're going to go into the pool without flipping out and they can like swim now. it's going to be really fun. i'm really excited.
alright. i should probably go and do some work.
peace out for now.
that's like... a real accomplishment. everyone was shocked that i didn't go to the bar.
that say's a lot about my character, huh?
and sitting in this weekend i thought a lot. like, a lot.
and i came to some good conclusions and realized some things that i knew but wouldn't step forward about.
there's this boy bobby who likes me, he's a really nice guy... but that's it.
there's certain moments when i'm like woah, he's so cool... but then it's just not there for me.
i feel horrible because i do want to get to know him but he's not my type at all and although giving people chances is probably wise... i just can't get myself to do it.
i really think i just like having people like me.
i can not see myself with him ya know?
and i'm okay with saying this.
even if people think i'm a bitch... i'm not going to push myself.
i feel like i just want someone so bad that i'll take whatever.. but in reality, i won't take whatever because i can't be with someone that i'm not attracted to. there are times when i think he's cute... but then it goes away. like.. if i was sure, then why not.. but i'm not and i won't be.
donnie, shaun.. they're my type. not this kid.
and i don't know why i feel like i need to explain this as much as i am but i feel like i need to explain myself. i don't know why. i feel like i should give him a chance but i don't want to.
it's like the dan thing. i thought i liked him but then i realized there's nothing there and even if there is like.. a small something there.. there are too many other things outruling it.
i really do just like to lead men on... it's like a game with me.
and then when a boy leads me on.. i want them. when they're in control it makes me weak at the knees.
but when i have control, i think the boys that i'm in control of, are pathetic. isn't that horrible?
it is horrible, but it's the truth and i never said i was a saint.
i really do want donnie back.. like some days i just get hit so hard by the way i feel for him and it throws me off balance cause i'm like "i thought i was doing better". but then i realize i'm not. and i think the only reason i do so well with not calling him like crazy and stuff, is because i'm so busy this semester. last time we hooked up he told me there are things he misses about us and of course he misses "us" sometimes. also that when it's time and if he's here... we'll be back together. i mean.. we had a good talk. and he told me how he likes that i'm not up his ass anymore... with like my calling and what not. and i agree, i feel that i'm doing a good job living my own life during this time that we're not together.
and even though i don't like admitting this because everyone always doubts me... i really do believe we'll get back together in time. it will happen... it's just right now we aren't at that stage.
but it's funny, cause when we are together.. it feels like things haven't changed.
i can honestly tell that he trys to make sure he keeps some kind of wall up between us.. but i also can tell that it crumbles on him at moments and the donnie i know comes out.
i know what's going on with him.. he can't show that he wants it.. but he does. he has and will because it's just the way we are. it's that connection that we have that he misses.
i know he misses it... i just don't understand why he doesn't act on it.
i think we'll be fine.. i just don't know when it'll work out.
i really do hope and want it to work out, in all honesty.
he really is the only one that completes me. it's the truth. he makes me feel so comfortable and makes me like myself. he's the one and i know it.
people might think it's just me being a nutjob cause he was my first love. but that's not it at all. i know it's not. and i think he knows it's not that way either. i really do believe he feels the way i do. he just wants to be young and live that kind of carefree life right now.
idk. ah.
and then there's that boy shaun i hooked up with.. the one i met at the bar.
i find him to be the next best thing to donnie.
i've never wanted someone even close to the way i want donnie.. nor will i.. but shaun is up there.
he's sexy, he's emo, and he has a fun personality.
he made me feel special. which is probably pathetic because he probably makes every girl feel special but i really had fun with him.
he stayed with me for like.. 6 hours at the bar.. which is pretty insane considering boys usually peace out to other people. but it was me, kristina, vaughny (with some random guy), and his three friends all night. the only time he got up was to go get beer and to pee haha. and it was cute, i would walk by the bar to go check on vaughny cause she was at the other end with some other random guy and he would be like "cait, where are you going? you're not leaving are you." and then he asked to kiss me one time, he was polite and i enjoyed that. we went to his friends dorm room at like.. 4 and then kristina and i got home by 7 something. it was a great night. and he was great in bed. like, great.. and this is going to sound slutty, but whatever. i would love to sleep with him again. he didn't even push for sex... it was my decision. which i also thought was very cool. it was my choice on what we did. we could have just made out but i wanted more. i'm greedy, i know. and he really just made me feel like i was attractive. i don't know.
i've only felt comfortable with donnie like that.. and it was really nice to know i can feel comfortable with someone else like that. but it's only been those two. i'm really beginning to believe i'm meant to date one of them. i still think donnie and i will get married. but i think i could definately date shaun. like... i could really see myself with either of them. i think it could definately work. they're just my type ya know? too bad donnie doesn't want a relationship and shaun's a whore and in florida.
oi vey.
i really want either of them. i don't care how that sounds... i really do.
besides men. school is fucking stressing me out. i have three songs due this week and i'm like... going crazy about it. i need to finish learning them or it's going to be horrible. it's really important to learn them. i've worked on them but i still need to get them down.. and i need to memorize a whole monologue before tuesday. AAAAAAAHHHHH.
i'm so ready for christmas break. i hope to see donnie before i go to mexico.
talking about mexico.. i'm so excited to go. it's going to be such a great time with jen and the babies. i can't wait to swim up to the bar with jen hahaha. i also want to go shopping and get tan. it's going to be a great time. i'm so excited to spend time with my family. i never really get to go on vacation with the babies. i mean we went camping but that was like... hard cause we were in a small cabin with 6 people. and florida was a long time ago but that was fun. but now they're older and they're going to go into the pool without flipping out and they can like swim now. it's going to be really fun. i'm really excited.
alright. i should probably go and do some work.
peace out for now.