Feb 13, 2008 23:44
Sorry I have failed to be efficient. I have been really busy with school and whatnot but FEAR NO MORE! I am in the process of catching up on my weekly reviewage. Tonight, I had the utter nauseating pleasure of watching 7x10 of my favorite show turned Britney-esque trainwreck.
So ladies and germs, shall we?
7x10 - CRACK!ville (seemed fitting)
Cue Kent farmage. Wind blowing. Great lighting. A twinkly feeling in the air. OH HAI LANA! R U NEKKIDZ UNDAR THOSE COVARS!?!
OH HAI BIZZARO CLIZZARK! YOOH LOOK HAWT TODAY! NICE BULGING BICEPS!!!!!! *takes moment to drool*
I just want to remember this moment…uhhhh EXILE FLASHBACK MUCH? I wonder if they realized they reused dialogue…..probably not.
Ok…Tom Welling flying me to Paris….*drops pants*
Cue gratuitous KK back scene….opens the blinds and OMGZ MAH FAAAAACCCEE! Bizarro Clark needs some serious sunscreen, beezes. His face looks like those “crocodile skin” ads from Lubriderm.
Cue a darklit hallway. Must be Luthorcorp. Oh, and the APPROACHING SHOES OF DOOM shot makes its first appearance of the evening. Pan up and we see……LEX I AM YO BROTHA Luthor. Intense facial expression and all. He looks at himself in the mirrored elevator door to make sure he’s still bonable, which he is, and continues into the SCARY ROOM in which I assume a paternity reveal will take place that makes the Jerry Springer show look like Telletubbies. He’s all like OH DADDAY. And Lionel is like BITCH PLEASE. Then Julien mentions the two evil words BABY BROTHER….cue dramastic musica. Zac I mean Grant I mean Julien continues with ALLO POPS! And Lionel doing his trademark sinister stare, music of foreboding still swelling. Lionel gets close enough in proximity to Julien’s face to make all the slashers swoon, and then continues to say….I WANNA KNOW YOU SONNY BOY. Although the way he says it is much much more creeptastic AND disturbing.
Shot of the outside of a building. YAY ARCHITECTURE!
Lana is looking at police reports while a piano spits out dramatic melodies. In comes Bizzark(Bizzaro Clark, or Beez Lark/Bizzark), with the HAI BEAUTIFUL line. *swoo00ooon* Lana is now apparently using the Isis foundation to research homicides involving homeless people, and fires up a computer setup that would make Chloe cream her pants. Twice. Lana triangulates and works her magic while doing her best impression of Sydney Bristow in a briefing, and pinpoints SUICIDE SLUMS. DUM DUM DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM. (yes, I am laughing my ASS off.) Bizzark is proud of her, and thinks Sydney Lana is hot, so WOOMP.
Cue homeless man standing over a burning trashcan that is emitting a little too much spark for his proximity. But hey, its all so that we can see Tom’s face through the FIRRREEEE! So artistic, CW. So cutting edge. Oh by the way? FUCK YOU.
OMG ITS CRACK!Spike (Dr. FINE) eating a RAT! So tasty. Stupid dialogue that threatens to render me unconscious ensues. HOW DID THIS SHOW MANAGE TO MAKE MARSTERS LOOK FUG. He was totally SMALLVILLED. Once again, FUCK YOU, CW. More talk of the YELLOW SUN OF DOOOM. Really Bizzark? The sun is YELLOW? It’s not GREEN or PURPLE? Could have fucking fooled my ass. BTW, Bizzark’s voice is FUCKING HOT.
Cueeeeeeeeeee obligatory CGI’D Daily Planet skyline. *yawn* I guess Clark is going to see the sad excuse for a character that was a result of the union of two very inept brains. Poor Chloe. She is wearing her usual bob (OMG HER HAIR IS THE SAAAAME!) and a seafoam green silken bag that I believe is supposed to be a shirt. Way to go, SV wardrobe people. Chloe doesn’t hesitate to bring out the painful snarkfest (this is the type of snark that makes nails down a chalkboard seem pleasant.). Choe notices that Clark is off his rocker…OF COURSE SHE IS THE ONLY ONE TO NOTICE!!! I mean HELL, Lana BANGAGAD Bizzark’s ass and didn’t notice. But SURE ENOUGH, a 2 minute conversation will cue Chloe RIGHT in. Fuck you, AlMiles. DIAG. Bizzark then FORCEFULLY GRABZ Chloe’s arm and is like BITCH HELP ME OR I’LL CUT YOU. Cue Chloe’s trademark face of WTEffery.
Lionel walks into the eternally ostentatious Luthor CASTLE!!!!! OH HAI LEXYPANTS! Loaded father son war of the minds convo ensues. OMG here is the paternity reveal that makes Jerry Springer look Teletubbylicious! OH THE HOMO EROTIC UNDERTONES OF THIS SCENE. DADDAY DON’T LEEEEV MEEEEEE. Woe is the bald man.
Cue Kent farm mailbox shot, it is exceptionally sunny today, and Lana is coming in with a paper sack full of GROCERIEEES! What a cool beez. And OMG SHE BOUGHT WIIIINE. Sexay! Oh great, enter Chloho, who just so happens to be wearing one of the FUGLIEST jackets I have EVAR seen over her seafoam silk bag. Chlobeez of COURSE asks Lana if she has noticed anything different about Clark lately. Lana of course replies…WHY YES! He found his other testicle! OH MAH GAWDDDD. Chloe is like LANA YOU DON’T KNOW CLARK LIKE I DO. Lana is like BITCH HE’S MAH MAN. THIS SHOW SUCKS. PROLLY CAUSE THEY BLOW ALL THEIR BUDGET ON CGI, NOT PLOT. FUCK. Bizzark comes in. Chloe emos out and leaves. Lana tells Bizzark about Chloe’s suspicions. I YAWN. REPEATEDLY. Lana then mentions the fortress. Bizzark is all like OMGZ BEEZ YOU IZ SMRTR THAN ME.
Pan in on Siberia Fortress of Batshititude Solitude……..(sorry…this one is really testing my patience….) BIZZARK enters ze fortress, in search of the shield of DOOM. Jor-El is all like *BOOOMING VOICE I WILL PWN YOU* Bizzark’s voice is extremely deep in this scene. The ice cage around Clarky pants cracks and his eye DRAMASTICALLY OPENZ. He superspeeds back to the Kent farm, complete with windmill.
Lana is lookin hot and getting ready for their romantic dinner, Clark, of course, busts in and is like oh shit beez you have been canoodling with my evil twin. What the eff. Lana mentions THE SEX, and Clark gets this PAINED look on his face. Poor guy. Of course, BIZZARK overhears all this fuckery, and runs to CRACK!Spike. They wanna get some mass amounts of green kryptoshit and go apeshizzle on Clark’s ass.
Meanwhile, Clark is having a similar meeting with Lionel. They devise a plan to get a fuckton of blue kryptoshit and go apeshizzle on Bizzark’s ass. OMG LIONEL IS REALLY CRACK!Spike! SHIIIZLE!
OHHHH PARRALLELISSSMMMMMMSSS.
Ugh…not much to comment on here except Chlobeez is still thinking Clark is Bizzark. Then she says the UNTHINKABLE. “Everything about you is the same, right down to your baby BLUES.” TOM WELLING’S EYES ARE GREEN YOU BABBLING FUCKWIT. GO DIAG AND TAKE ALMILES WITH YOU. BLASPHEMY.
Cue stupid retarded OMG IT’S REALLY YOOOOOOOOOH scene and Clark says some weirdass name and disappears. This ep is wearing on me.
YES! THERE IS A TUMBLEWEED BLOWING IN THE WIND. YEEEHAW!
The house of EL. You always were survivors. Basically, Clark finds his Krypto guy and finds out that he has a FAMILY! OMG! And he is wearing a really tacky Blue Krypto bracelet.
Back to Lana calling Clark. Bizzark! Shows up and is hasty to leave…Lana gives him an apprehensive hug, and notices in the window that his face is OMGZ CRACKED OUT LIKE SOME WACK SHIT! She uses the lamest excuse EVER and says…”Let me just go get my bag…” he won’t see through that one…not at ALL sweetie.
Meanwhile, real Clark is packaging up a nicely sized hunk of Blue Kryptoshit that resembles some blueberry rock candy and supaspeedz off to da rescuuue! Clark tells Lana blue kryptoshit will destroy Bizzark, and so she goes into this whole I DUN LOFF you I LOFF THE CROCODILE SKIN MAN spiel. I mean, they had to fulfill their quota for angst per episode, right? Then, she finally continues to shove the blue krypto up Bizzark’s ass, and he does the trademark constipated face, and explodes. Yay. I am so ready to stream Chuck with Cat now it is not even FUNNY.
Lex and Julien have their usual homoerotic squabble, and Lex fires Julien from the Planet, warning him not to cross him and blah blah. Julien is like I AM A DADDY’S BOY NOW, YAY! He exits.
OMG! GRANTZACJULIEN JUST GOT SHOOSTED BY DA BAD MAN! And is now bleeding from the mouth. HAWT. Lionel is all like OMGZ! And ending montage song starts, I believe. I shall have to gank this off Limewire later, it is rather catchy.
Lex shoosting pool in slomo, drinking his signature glass of SCOTCH or some brown liquid. He receives an OMINOUS text message of DOOM saying JOB DONE from a 913 number. Cue cheapass cell phone crashing to the floor. Lex runs into the oh so appropriate rainstorm, and screams/squeals at the top of his lungs. Poor bald man.
Lana broods. Clark broods. There is much brooding. Rain falls. They continue to brood. She touches his arm, while brooding. And he looks into her brooding eyes with the same brooding expression. They get into bed while brooding, and are still brooding as we fade to a brooding black.
I hate this show. And am gonna get to 7x11 when I feel like torturing myself again.
shitville,
clana,
reviewage,
review