i'm a liar
I said i was done with this shit... i really did... but i'm not. This livejournal... a place to blog? what the hell is that... blog it sounds like somethinkg a proper person would describe fecies. Oh well..wheres timmy, oh he's taKING A BLOG...WHERES MIKE..OH HE'S BY THE COMPUTER BLOGGING?...Kinda sounds impropper... but it is what it is i guess.. I only write in this thing when I'm depressed and i now would be that time... I start college a week from monday, and i don't even feel like i belong.. i've always thought of myself as a loser, and i thnk i figured out why.. thats how i was programmed. If you think i sound paranoid i am. All my life i have watched programs on tv where the loser turns out to be the hero. I always wanted to be a hero, so i thought of myself as the resislient loser... maybe i'm not really a loser... or at least i didn't have to be... I have real self esteem issues. I hate myself and thats a fact.. i punish myself all the time... I think that my life is a waste to all but me...i mean if i wanted to die... i mean really wanted it... i would have done it by now... have i had oppurtunities.. shit that would be on the news... but i just slink back... i wonder if contemplating suicide is a bad sign.. but i figure it's probably normal...and that is what grinds me...i try to be me.. to shun society and not be normal...but alas that is the in thing to do so it now qualifys as normal... so in order to not be normal i have to try and be normal and as long as i fail i will succeed... it kinda makes sense... which brings me to point 2 why don't i wanna be normal.. I mean i see through the lies that are bestowed upon as as truths and i don't like what i see... but ignprance is bliss, i think i would rather be stupid and follow blindly, i mean i would be a sheep but at least...well i'd be a sheep...but a sheep with goals.. right now my biggest concern is whether or not i'll smoke tonite.. I have always felt that way..for.... too long.. but i just... i dunno i wanna be better and worse at the same time... I want to succed and fail, i want to be right about being wrong, i want these paradoxes to end... i want... what is it really? i wish i knew... i'm starting to see a trend.. damn i'm bitchy...ok..uh on a lighter side....uhmm...yea...i uh... uhm... hmmm... i uh... o i watched the X-games.. good stuff... yea.... ok thats enough.. i'm going for a smoke..
~~I Dissapear~~
~~I Dissapear~~