yeow
im putting this in a cut because its really long. so, for those of you who dont read my myspace.... this is the:
so i went to shane's graduation party expecting the least.
i went because my parents wanted to say hi to my brother. because they thought itd be fun to "wreck" his time. he was actually happy to see us.
when we got there, he asked if i wanted to say hi to shane because if i did, then now was the time to do it. so i said yes. and i was really hesitant to even say yes because i was expecting the least, because out of everything that has happend this year so far, i didnt expect anything great. or, anything confusing.
so we found shane and my brother was just like, hey, shane, someone wanted to say hi to you. i always feel akward around people i dont know, then again, it might not be so much of akward as it is shy.. so when my brother said that to shane, he looked over, excused himself from the people he was already talking to, and gave me a hug. to me it wasnt one of those heywe'regreatfriends kinda hugs because it was longer by a little and i dont know. i look into things a lot.
so there was the first wtf kinda thing. when i was standing there with my brother before he got shane's attention, i was thinking to myself, i bet he tries to stay away, i bet he says hi and goes somewhere else, i bet he just ignores all the stuff thats gone on and shakes my hand or something. or does one of those half assed, one armed youremyoldbuddy hugs. which, all of those scenarios i just listed, he didnt do. he hugged me. so i went along with it. and was semi confused by it. and he made small talk and asked how i had been doing and so i answered truthfully without starting up some long drawn out conversation in front of other strangers i didnt know.
then, i dunno. we stood there for awhile, and then my brother walked off somewhere and shane got closer to me and was like so i guess you gotta leave soon? (and since he was so close, he held my hand. by that, i was literally just like, whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuck. but happy at the same time)(and, he kept giving me that same look that he's always given me when he liked me a lot) i was just like, yeah prolly.. and then my brother called me. so i had to go then, and so shane started walking me out or whatever. and so he started talking to my parents too since he was with me, and i was like, what? then, he put his arm around me? actions from here on out are a little fuzzy because anytime any of this kinda stuff happens, i.. am me, so i swoon, dont know what to do, kind of stab for words to say. but at the same time im just like, hey, i feel okay now. its that "im at home" feeling that anyone would get from anykind of "special someone". so he walks me all the way out to the car, my parents get in, and meanwhile im standing back behind the car, and telling him that i'll call him, but only if he wants me to. (since i now have a cellphone, and this is where he starts playing with my hands) then, again, with the same look, he kissed me. and it wasnt just like, a little peck or whatever it was like, dang. shit, i was like seriously, this has to be a joke. but, again, at the same time i was like HEY THIS IS AWESOME. hahaha.
..i was.
so, after that, i was just like, uhh.... i really hope my parents arent watching. which is why i was hesitant on the whole heyletsslipeachotherthetongue thing. so he was like, oh yeah... so on that note, he let me get in the car and go and whatnot. then later on when i was making my brothers bday cake, he texted me and was like, hey beautiful whats up.. and then i told him about making a cake and whatever. then he texted me some more stuff and was like, text me tomorrow when you get up. so i did. and then he didnt text me back. so i was like, okay. and i waited around all day, he still hadnt by like, 10pm. so i texted him and was like, "i know you might be real busy and stuff, but we really need to talk. and this time id rather it be in person. please dont ignore me this time." then he was like, okay not right now cause im grounded. so i was just like, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. understandable.
but now ive been thinking overload and again, im not expecting like, amazing results and im just like saying to myself, no.. he wasnt being serious. and it was all a joke and this and that and everything terrible ive been telling myself for the past few months. that hurts a lot. and the more i try and convince myself, the more im just like, wow. what if thats all true.
itd hurt, and right now im not even sure if this "friend" i have in wisconsin will be here for me. its not guaranteed. so i'll have brittney and meghan. megh mcvey? mcvhey? good question. she's always understood my boy problem with shane. and its hard to i dont know.. get over? its just hard altogether. and theres no doubt im tired of going through the pain and stuff of wondering this and that and always waiting around for him, but im going to try really hard to do this if it does even happen again... which i dont know will even happen. its not guaranteed. but then again, nothing is. cept some petty things. you know what im getting at.
i dont know. i want to talk to him in person because this way, i definately cannot run away from anything. facial expressions, uncomfortable moments? stuff like that. i cant just hang up. i cant just walk away. shoot, i wouldnt let myself. so then, i dont know whats going to happen.
but i can say with confidence that i am happy i decided to say hi to him. the biggest shocker this year (sofar). its like, wtf. seriously guys. im dying here.
only a little though. haha. whatever. things happen. whatever happens'll happen. and i'll live with it if i want to or not. i mean, yeah id be extremely happy if he did what i was hoping he'd do or say... but if like otherwise i'll be curshed confused hurt and all that good stuff. but i'd deal with it. in my own way. s. haha.
in all, i know i'll be alright.
its sad though, because all my friends that've seen me go through this have been saying stuff like they dont trust it and stay away and whatever.. its not very encouraging. my mom was just like, yeah, for some reason i think he's one of those guys with two girlfriends at all times. i naturally defended him and said this this and this. but i dont know. i just need to talk to him. and not talking to him isnt helping. haha, ehhhh...