--> V is for Venlet
I have a lot to do today, yet i still have time to procrastinate and write an LJ entry. Aren't i so lame?
Statistics stuff to do, yucky. I hate falling asleep in that class, because then i feel like i've seriously missed a lot of information, but really it's just a few sentences of notes. But still. Tomorrow is Chapter Review, and Monday is our test. I hate having tests on Monday, i always forget and end up doing horribly. I hate mondays. I have to finish reading "Ida" from Yellow Raft and i'm only on page 15 of my Social Commentary book.
Tomorrow after school we have a concert. It's the first concert of the year so i'm kind of excited, plus after the concert we get new music and i want new music goddamnit. My obsession with music classes is immense. I love playing, even if i can't hit the notes or i screw up the rhythms i just love having band and orchestra. I know what you're thinking, Mr. V right? Not really, i mean yea maybe that's part of the reason, but i really like music. It's just something i like to do. I mean, i'm not fantastic at it, i'm not the best, i don't even play all that well, but i like it. I like what i do. I like to get better at it. I like to know that i can make something sound nice.
We also have a stupid vocabulary test tomorrow in English. I'm still doing alright, but i dunno. I never really know how i do in English until i get my grades because i can't tell what English teachers look for when they grade things. I assume that i'm doing things right and when i do i get good grades. I don't suck at English, i just don't really know how to utilize the skills i have and apply it to english. In U.S. History we have to do a presentation tomorrow. I have to look up a bunch of stuff on Women Roles in Labor and shit. Sounds boring.
Things have been so so at home. Ramiro really frustrates me. I know my mom wants me to respect him and shit, but how can i respect someone who doesn't do anything to be respected for? Mom complains that i have to make him look bad by doing more chores than he does. I already do. Shouldn't he set an example by doing chores and helping out around the house too? Mom says he pays the bills. She pays the bills too, but she doesn't get to come home and sit on her ass and watch TV for hours, or use the computer for as long as she wants. Ramiro is a fuckhead. I mean yea he's nice to me sometimes, but shoudn't he be? He's going out with my mom, he should be nice to me. But i don't have to like him. She's not married to him, he's not respectable, he doesn't do anything. It pisses me off.
Mom is always saying she really wants to send me back to Northern California. I hate that shit so much. Goddamnit mother, i'm happy here now. Yes i wanted to move back at first but now i've met some of the most awesome people i could ever meet and i like it here and i don't want to go anywhere else. She's always like,. it's not working, living here, blah blah blah, we can't make it on our own because it's too expensive. You think i don't know that?
How do you think it feels to be the poor kid of the group? I mean, sure i'm not completely poor, i've got some of the same things they've got. But i'm not as fortunate. Do you know how much it sucks to have to rely on someone else so that i can eat lunch everday? How much it sucks to beg Diana to buy me something, and she says okay, and when lunch comes she smiles mischievously and says i change my mind? Do you know how much it sucks to have to watch everyone else eat or complain about how they haven't had sashimi in the longest time or listen to them say that they've got money to take SAT classes and shit? I fucking need SAT classes. My entrance into college rides so much on my SAT score it's not even funny. But can i take SAT classes when i need it? No. Because we can't afford something that i need.
I want a fucking job. No, i don't want it. I need it. Maybe if i got a job i could help my mom pay the bills and we could leave Ramiro and do shit on our own. I need to pay my own way to Hawaii. I want to pay for my SATs and AP tests because it's 80 fucking dollars each and this year i'm taking two AP classes and the SATs. I need a job so i can pay for a car, and have money to hang out with my friends because EVERYTIME they hang out they have to spend money. Whatever happened to chilling at a friend's house? I'm not complaining, no i love hanging out with my friends, but can't we be cheap about it?
Friday is another tournament, and Jazz Auditions are soon. I've been doing all this work, watch me not make it into jazz band. I want free time. I want to go to Boomers and go Go-Cart Racing. I miss being loved. It's been three months and my brain is still fuzzy and my heart still aches and i'm still trying and it's still difficult. I feel like a child. I feel old. I feel like everyone i know has a secret that they're not telling me. I want to take more polaroids and i want to hang out again.
I have chores and i have to vacuum and i have homework and i have a lot of things to do today. And i'm still procrastinating by writing a Livejournal post. I love being me. Sometimes.
Mom made cookies, but she said they're for Ryan's soccer game. Which makes me sad. Because we ate all the extras already, and they were really good. [insert unhappy face here]. Today during tennis, brian and i had a wonderful time signing "I Will Follow You Into the Dark" and "Such Great Heights" and then we talked about how the songs remind us of things long gone, and how all our songs are about breakups and heart breaks. We lost both of our games but that's okay, because at least Brian is someone to talk to while we fail.
Statistics stuff to do, yucky. I hate falling asleep in that class, because then i feel like i've seriously missed a lot of information, but really it's just a few sentences of notes. But still. Tomorrow is Chapter Review, and Monday is our test. I hate having tests on Monday, i always forget and end up doing horribly. I hate mondays. I have to finish reading "Ida" from Yellow Raft and i'm only on page 15 of my Social Commentary book.
Tomorrow after school we have a concert. It's the first concert of the year so i'm kind of excited, plus after the concert we get new music and i want new music goddamnit. My obsession with music classes is immense. I love playing, even if i can't hit the notes or i screw up the rhythms i just love having band and orchestra. I know what you're thinking, Mr. V right? Not really, i mean yea maybe that's part of the reason, but i really like music. It's just something i like to do. I mean, i'm not fantastic at it, i'm not the best, i don't even play all that well, but i like it. I like what i do. I like to get better at it. I like to know that i can make something sound nice.
We also have a stupid vocabulary test tomorrow in English. I'm still doing alright, but i dunno. I never really know how i do in English until i get my grades because i can't tell what English teachers look for when they grade things. I assume that i'm doing things right and when i do i get good grades. I don't suck at English, i just don't really know how to utilize the skills i have and apply it to english. In U.S. History we have to do a presentation tomorrow. I have to look up a bunch of stuff on Women Roles in Labor and shit. Sounds boring.
Things have been so so at home. Ramiro really frustrates me. I know my mom wants me to respect him and shit, but how can i respect someone who doesn't do anything to be respected for? Mom complains that i have to make him look bad by doing more chores than he does. I already do. Shouldn't he set an example by doing chores and helping out around the house too? Mom says he pays the bills. She pays the bills too, but she doesn't get to come home and sit on her ass and watch TV for hours, or use the computer for as long as she wants. Ramiro is a fuckhead. I mean yea he's nice to me sometimes, but shoudn't he be? He's going out with my mom, he should be nice to me. But i don't have to like him. She's not married to him, he's not respectable, he doesn't do anything. It pisses me off.
Mom is always saying she really wants to send me back to Northern California. I hate that shit so much. Goddamnit mother, i'm happy here now. Yes i wanted to move back at first but now i've met some of the most awesome people i could ever meet and i like it here and i don't want to go anywhere else. She's always like,. it's not working, living here, blah blah blah, we can't make it on our own because it's too expensive. You think i don't know that?
How do you think it feels to be the poor kid of the group? I mean, sure i'm not completely poor, i've got some of the same things they've got. But i'm not as fortunate. Do you know how much it sucks to have to rely on someone else so that i can eat lunch everday? How much it sucks to beg Diana to buy me something, and she says okay, and when lunch comes she smiles mischievously and says i change my mind? Do you know how much it sucks to have to watch everyone else eat or complain about how they haven't had sashimi in the longest time or listen to them say that they've got money to take SAT classes and shit? I fucking need SAT classes. My entrance into college rides so much on my SAT score it's not even funny. But can i take SAT classes when i need it? No. Because we can't afford something that i need.
I want a fucking job. No, i don't want it. I need it. Maybe if i got a job i could help my mom pay the bills and we could leave Ramiro and do shit on our own. I need to pay my own way to Hawaii. I want to pay for my SATs and AP tests because it's 80 fucking dollars each and this year i'm taking two AP classes and the SATs. I need a job so i can pay for a car, and have money to hang out with my friends because EVERYTIME they hang out they have to spend money. Whatever happened to chilling at a friend's house? I'm not complaining, no i love hanging out with my friends, but can't we be cheap about it?
Friday is another tournament, and Jazz Auditions are soon. I've been doing all this work, watch me not make it into jazz band. I want free time. I want to go to Boomers and go Go-Cart Racing. I miss being loved. It's been three months and my brain is still fuzzy and my heart still aches and i'm still trying and it's still difficult. I feel like a child. I feel old. I feel like everyone i know has a secret that they're not telling me. I want to take more polaroids and i want to hang out again.
I have chores and i have to vacuum and i have homework and i have a lot of things to do today. And i'm still procrastinating by writing a Livejournal post. I love being me. Sometimes.
Mom made cookies, but she said they're for Ryan's soccer game. Which makes me sad. Because we ate all the extras already, and they were really good. [insert unhappy face here]. Today during tennis, brian and i had a wonderful time signing "I Will Follow You Into the Dark" and "Such Great Heights" and then we talked about how the songs remind us of things long gone, and how all our songs are about breakups and heart breaks. We lost both of our games but that's okay, because at least Brian is someone to talk to while we fail.