--> N is for Nostalgia
I was drunk off of bawls saturday night last week when i got philosophical about the things we take for granted.
I wonder if it's human nature to completely overlook things for their entire worth. We often see the bad in something before we see the good. It's why we televise wars and debates and people's mistakes. It's why dramas and horrors and murders get more publicity than parades and appraisals and the good things in life.
It's often the little things that we overlook the most. Things like good books, swing sets, polaroids, cellphones, the internet. Mundane materialistic things. But we overlook the important things to. The relationships between ourselves and eachother. The love between family members. The fact that you have family members. The range of things we overlook is so wide, it's like we don't just take for granted a lot of things. Is there anything that we see for its full potential? Or do we just take everything for granted?
The air you breathe, the clothes you wear, the food you eat, the books you read, the movies you watch, the flowers you smell, the things you can touch, the people you know, the things you do. Do you ever stop and realize that you really appreciate it? Most of the time it's after the fact. After it's gone. After it's done. After it isn't there anymore. That's when we start realizing that the things we took for granted really were the best things we had, that's when we realize the full effect of something. The impact.
Fitting. We take so many things for granted.
--
Weekend spent at my dad's. I was utterly sad when i had to leave, it really was a good weekend. We attended a wedding. I don't really like weddings all that much. They're so final [haha last kiss, but still it's true, elaboration coming up]. It's like, everything is sealed when you get married. Fuck the start of relationships and shit, when you get married, that's it. You're tied down, and the end is upon you. It's almost the end of the rope, you know, the end of freedom as an unmarried person.
I really miss my younger brother Kyle. I hate how he's going to grow up without really knowing me. High school, college, a job who knows where. Five years of college. Then after that a job in some big city, maybe in the east coast, maybe in the west. Just a put me in a big city. By the time i finish college he'll be 8. That's so many years lost.
We always lose time. I wonder where it really goes. Time is one of those things that you lose and you can't get back. And you don't even realize it's gone until you think in retrospect. Time is most often lost in relationships that end. Not like, committment relationships, but like relationships in general. Relationships with family, friends, superior others, etc. It's just... gone suddenly when you realize your relatioship has been cut off. You wonder where all that time and effort went and why you couldn't have spent it on something better that would have lasted longer.
I'm not saying relationships are a waste of time. No relationship is a waste of time. Whether it's shallow or deep. Relationships only constitute as relationships when you get an understanding of a person. So, when you get that understanding, that epiphany or sudden realization, or even general idea, it was worth it. But then it fails. And that's the bummer. You could have spent all that time developing something else [like the song goes, "sorry i wasted your time, five long months on the telephone line"]. And you never get that time back.
Anyway, wedding, and hung out with the norcal family. It was a short weekend i'll tell you that. I really do feel old around my dad now. He took a look at my Statistics homework and said, "Wow, you are taking college courses aren't you. Man it's a good thing you don't go to school here; i stopped helping you with your homework when you were in like... seventh grade!" And it's true. I started bringing home homework that my parents couldn't figure out when i was in seventh grade. I was in Pre-Alegbra. I have to make a note that by going into my 11th year of schooling, i've lasted longer than my dad has. My dad dropped out of school after his sophomore year and took the test and got his GED or something like that. I mean, there was some stuff he could still help me with, but it really stopped in eighth grade.
Reading The Winter of Our Discontent. I've only done 110 pages [out of 270, i know, i know, and it's due on tuesday]. But i just want to see right now, Wow. I'm so glad i picked this book. Just. Wow. I mean i know it seems like i don't like it all that much because i'm only on 110, but it's really because i can't sit and read for long periods of time, no matter how good the book is. And i started reading it in the car on Friday. So far this book is wonderful. I've hated all of Steinbeck's shit before beacuse it was just so dumb. But i think it's because of the conditions in which i had to read them. 1. it was for school. 2. i had to read the crappier ones of his. Ok. I have to admit, in retrospect Of Mice and Men wasn't so bad. But The Red Pony, and The Pearl sucked a lot of balls. And i never even read The Grapes of Wrath. I think we had to see the movie in eighth grade, but it sucked and i was really uninterested in it.
The Winter of Our Discontent is great though. His writing is simple yet still entertaining. I don't know, something about it is interesting because of its simplicity. Some of the things that Ethan thinks about is really interesting too. It's like, a study on human instinct and shit. It's really deep. In the beginning he talks a lot about money and his lack of it, and how he wants it, and it reminded me a lot of The Pearl and how the greed and will to get more money for the fucking pearl led to dead babies and shit. I hope it stays good and doesn't bomb in the end.
Anyway. Borrowed the CS disc from my dad, so i have to install that. Emailed myself some textures and brushes i collected over the summer, which is great because i found myself looking for some interesting ones a while ago. Talked at length to a lady at the wedding about where i want to go in life. She said i was a smart kid, being 16 and growing up in an age where 16 year olds are a bunch of shit heads. Told her about my plans to go to the East Coast. She said it's not for everyone, and that the East Coast is harsher, you have to be more intelligent, more on edge to make it out there. She said i could make it. She told me to never be afraid to go where i want, to never hesitate when i make a decision. She said that she could tell [because she is from the East Coast, and an excellent judge on character] that i would go places and that i could be something big if i played my cards right.
Adults that tell you things like that. They're awesome. They're encouraging. They're sad. Know why? Because the only adults that tell you to trust your natural, born instinct are the ones that didn't trust theirs and now they're stuck in a place they'd rather not be. The ones that tell you to do something reckless, something fun and exciting, something new, they're the ones that never took a chance when they were your age. They're the ones that have that glint in their eye when they tell you to do what you want. A kind of mischief and nostalgia. The kind of people who could have been something. But ended up being tied down.
Being tied down. Being stifled.
Being suffocated.
Maybe now i get what she was talking about.
I wonder if it's human nature to completely overlook things for their entire worth. We often see the bad in something before we see the good. It's why we televise wars and debates and people's mistakes. It's why dramas and horrors and murders get more publicity than parades and appraisals and the good things in life.
It's often the little things that we overlook the most. Things like good books, swing sets, polaroids, cellphones, the internet. Mundane materialistic things. But we overlook the important things to. The relationships between ourselves and eachother. The love between family members. The fact that you have family members. The range of things we overlook is so wide, it's like we don't just take for granted a lot of things. Is there anything that we see for its full potential? Or do we just take everything for granted?
The air you breathe, the clothes you wear, the food you eat, the books you read, the movies you watch, the flowers you smell, the things you can touch, the people you know, the things you do. Do you ever stop and realize that you really appreciate it? Most of the time it's after the fact. After it's gone. After it's done. After it isn't there anymore. That's when we start realizing that the things we took for granted really were the best things we had, that's when we realize the full effect of something. The impact.
Fitting. We take so many things for granted.
--
Weekend spent at my dad's. I was utterly sad when i had to leave, it really was a good weekend. We attended a wedding. I don't really like weddings all that much. They're so final [haha last kiss, but still it's true, elaboration coming up]. It's like, everything is sealed when you get married. Fuck the start of relationships and shit, when you get married, that's it. You're tied down, and the end is upon you. It's almost the end of the rope, you know, the end of freedom as an unmarried person.
I really miss my younger brother Kyle. I hate how he's going to grow up without really knowing me. High school, college, a job who knows where. Five years of college. Then after that a job in some big city, maybe in the east coast, maybe in the west. Just a put me in a big city. By the time i finish college he'll be 8. That's so many years lost.
We always lose time. I wonder where it really goes. Time is one of those things that you lose and you can't get back. And you don't even realize it's gone until you think in retrospect. Time is most often lost in relationships that end. Not like, committment relationships, but like relationships in general. Relationships with family, friends, superior others, etc. It's just... gone suddenly when you realize your relatioship has been cut off. You wonder where all that time and effort went and why you couldn't have spent it on something better that would have lasted longer.
I'm not saying relationships are a waste of time. No relationship is a waste of time. Whether it's shallow or deep. Relationships only constitute as relationships when you get an understanding of a person. So, when you get that understanding, that epiphany or sudden realization, or even general idea, it was worth it. But then it fails. And that's the bummer. You could have spent all that time developing something else [like the song goes, "sorry i wasted your time, five long months on the telephone line"]. And you never get that time back.
Anyway, wedding, and hung out with the norcal family. It was a short weekend i'll tell you that. I really do feel old around my dad now. He took a look at my Statistics homework and said, "Wow, you are taking college courses aren't you. Man it's a good thing you don't go to school here; i stopped helping you with your homework when you were in like... seventh grade!" And it's true. I started bringing home homework that my parents couldn't figure out when i was in seventh grade. I was in Pre-Alegbra. I have to make a note that by going into my 11th year of schooling, i've lasted longer than my dad has. My dad dropped out of school after his sophomore year and took the test and got his GED or something like that. I mean, there was some stuff he could still help me with, but it really stopped in eighth grade.
Reading The Winter of Our Discontent. I've only done 110 pages [out of 270, i know, i know, and it's due on tuesday]. But i just want to see right now, Wow. I'm so glad i picked this book. Just. Wow. I mean i know it seems like i don't like it all that much because i'm only on 110, but it's really because i can't sit and read for long periods of time, no matter how good the book is. And i started reading it in the car on Friday. So far this book is wonderful. I've hated all of Steinbeck's shit before beacuse it was just so dumb. But i think it's because of the conditions in which i had to read them. 1. it was for school. 2. i had to read the crappier ones of his. Ok. I have to admit, in retrospect Of Mice and Men wasn't so bad. But The Red Pony, and The Pearl sucked a lot of balls. And i never even read The Grapes of Wrath. I think we had to see the movie in eighth grade, but it sucked and i was really uninterested in it.
The Winter of Our Discontent is great though. His writing is simple yet still entertaining. I don't know, something about it is interesting because of its simplicity. Some of the things that Ethan thinks about is really interesting too. It's like, a study on human instinct and shit. It's really deep. In the beginning he talks a lot about money and his lack of it, and how he wants it, and it reminded me a lot of The Pearl and how the greed and will to get more money for the fucking pearl led to dead babies and shit. I hope it stays good and doesn't bomb in the end.
Anyway. Borrowed the CS disc from my dad, so i have to install that. Emailed myself some textures and brushes i collected over the summer, which is great because i found myself looking for some interesting ones a while ago. Talked at length to a lady at the wedding about where i want to go in life. She said i was a smart kid, being 16 and growing up in an age where 16 year olds are a bunch of shit heads. Told her about my plans to go to the East Coast. She said it's not for everyone, and that the East Coast is harsher, you have to be more intelligent, more on edge to make it out there. She said i could make it. She told me to never be afraid to go where i want, to never hesitate when i make a decision. She said that she could tell [because she is from the East Coast, and an excellent judge on character] that i would go places and that i could be something big if i played my cards right.
Adults that tell you things like that. They're awesome. They're encouraging. They're sad. Know why? Because the only adults that tell you to trust your natural, born instinct are the ones that didn't trust theirs and now they're stuck in a place they'd rather not be. The ones that tell you to do something reckless, something fun and exciting, something new, they're the ones that never took a chance when they were your age. They're the ones that have that glint in their eye when they tell you to do what you want. A kind of mischief and nostalgia. The kind of people who could have been something. But ended up being tied down.
Being tied down. Being stifled.
Being suffocated.
Maybe now i get what she was talking about.