Puffy eyes....

[im_a_dope]

I laid there holding onto Xander as I kept remembering the funeral. It was weird for the most part, no one was really talking except to say 'I'm sorry for your loss' or the continued to talk about how good a person Joyce was. Which she was but I wasn't even sure if half of those people actually knew who she was. I tried extremely hard to keep quiet

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[im_a_dope]

I lightly rubbed his tummy as he talked, he often enjoyed that when he was under emotional stress. I tried to smile and make it seem as though everything was peachy keen or soon will be. I could tell he was halfway listening to me earlier. Which normally would bother me and I would try to speak louder with much more sharpness to my voice.

For the first time in a while I hadn't really anything to say except for a few things. I wanted to make sure that Xander would listen so I started to play with his hair and leaned closer into him. I twirled my finger around a bit on his head then lightly started to brush it.

"I was thinking of Joyce, death, and birth at the same time..."

I paused as I looked at him sternly and smooshed my lips together. Obviously mentioning death itself was hard enough but I think I may have possibly confused him on the birth part. I didn't understand why, I thought it was clear. I kissed him on the cheek and tried to keep up a happy face,

"I remember watching this episode on Oprah. She had all these Psychiatrist on there for 'Mother's and their lost sons.' It was actually very interesting and some of the things on there got me thinking. More so now than before of course. Also take out the lost sons and add best friends mother.."

Looking at him once more I got the feeling his was completely either confused or has tuned me out once more. I felt my voice get a little high pitched and louder as I tried to carry on the one sided conversation.

"Anyway, after we had sex I started to think about how death effects life in general also how birth effects us aswell. They said something along the lines of 'when one door closes another door opens.' Us having sex is another example of Joyce. We're creating life after a death.."

[_buttmonkey]

I looked down at Ahn. She was trying. She didn't know how I felt. And yes we had just had sex. But, is that what you're supposed to do after a funeral? Celebrate what? Celebrate life...your life? With human things like sex?

I sat up and moved up the bed so I was propped against the wall. Then I pulled Anya ontop of me kissing her. "Don't...ever leave me, okay?"

Then I let her rest as she wrapped her arms around my torso. I glanced over to the clock which blinked 2:00. Then looked at my watch on my night table. 3. Okay.

"Let's rest...for now. Maybe later we can get dinner but now...rest."