More Paradox (big surprise)
So, the Tickster finally died. I feel guilty, not to the point that its going to greatly affect my life. I guess I feel like I failed my morals somehow. Every life form is important in the grand scheme of things, and without all of the life on this planet, even the less savory, our world would change for the worse.
Had promised myself I would persue the PWD forms and apply. But, thankfully-before I stressed myself out and wasted my time-the woman at the MS Advocacy program warned me of what I already knew. Most people don't get accepted for assisstance the first time, and that's regarding that most of the ones who do apply due to their MS don't have a husband who makes the kind of money I do. So I know I have no chance, and I'll just accept it again. I can go without extras (except my nails, that's the only thing I won't give on) for a while longer until something happens. I know I'm progressive, so I'm not going to be working much if at all. Which sucks, I've discovered in the last couple of years that I really enjoy working, I am happiest when I am working, it's great for my sense of self worth. But again, I'll just have to accept that Sean is the money maker, and I am.....whatever it is I am. I am surprised and apalled at how much I've allowed money-worth to infect me. But I feel it. I feel like, if I'm not working, or even earning a small amount of money, that my worth is less. How did I let that societal misconcepton eek in to my psyche? After all my defiance towards this kind of thinking-and I certainly don't think this way about other people-I've ended up at that conclusion anyway. Why can I see the worth in other people without any regard to money, but I have a hard time applying the same to myself. It makes no sense, and I don't understand why I think that way. I have to figure this out because thinking this way is destructive. I don't want to destroy myself anymore.
Had promised myself I would persue the PWD forms and apply. But, thankfully-before I stressed myself out and wasted my time-the woman at the MS Advocacy program warned me of what I already knew. Most people don't get accepted for assisstance the first time, and that's regarding that most of the ones who do apply due to their MS don't have a husband who makes the kind of money I do. So I know I have no chance, and I'll just accept it again. I can go without extras (except my nails, that's the only thing I won't give on) for a while longer until something happens. I know I'm progressive, so I'm not going to be working much if at all. Which sucks, I've discovered in the last couple of years that I really enjoy working, I am happiest when I am working, it's great for my sense of self worth. But again, I'll just have to accept that Sean is the money maker, and I am.....whatever it is I am. I am surprised and apalled at how much I've allowed money-worth to infect me. But I feel it. I feel like, if I'm not working, or even earning a small amount of money, that my worth is less. How did I let that societal misconcepton eek in to my psyche? After all my defiance towards this kind of thinking-and I certainly don't think this way about other people-I've ended up at that conclusion anyway. Why can I see the worth in other people without any regard to money, but I have a hard time applying the same to myself. It makes no sense, and I don't understand why I think that way. I have to figure this out because thinking this way is destructive. I don't want to destroy myself anymore.