This is my rant for the new year.
I use to think that I wasn't a cynical person, always wondering why I couldn't stand being around some people, well most people. Until one day I looked up at my husband and asked, "babe am I cynical," and with an honest reply he said, "yes, yes you are." I sat there, not quite surprised by what he said, nor offended. I would rather have him tell me the truth than live in a web of lies, only so that he can please me. I know that the truth isn't always what you want to hear, and a lie sometimes can be more pleasant to the ears, but it is still that, a lie, and you can fancy it but by calling it a little white lie, but it is still a lie underneath everything else it is still a lie. If you cannot tell from my little rant I myself are to found of lies, although I don't really know who is, unless it is the person telling the lies. But enough of this and back to the original point. I am not quite sure when this happened, when I became so cynical. I can pin point moments in my life, which would make me more cynical than before, more than others, but which moment was the turning moment for me. Which moment made me say fuck most people, not all people but most people. When was it when I lost my compassion for humanity, when I lost the belief that most people were good, and all you needed to do was find that good within them.
I can remember a time when I was quiet and pleasant, and if you walked up to me on the street I would only smile and say hello. I am still quiet, and despite what some people say not quite as pleasant. Now if you walked up to me on the street, I would still say hello, not quite smile, and wonder who the fuck you were, why you are talking to me at this moment, and to figure out what it is that you wanted from me. Because of course, in my mind, no one talks to anyone unless they want something from that person, and that something isn't always a bad thing, it could be a simple friendship, but no one knows expect that one person who decided to walk up to someone, take the risk, and say hello.
I have discovered, well not quite discovered because I haven't really been everywhere in this city, but more or less came to the conclusion, that they have erased, or is erasing all history from this horrid place. The only thing that could make this place worth anything they are taking away. I know that Fresno has been around for 150 years, one hundred and fucking fifty years, and it is hard to find one scrap of history anywhere. Clovis may be a different story, downtown the stores look old, the streets look old, and at night they play old school music out of speakers near the roof. The only place worth looking at in my opinion, and it is probably only four or five streets long.
I can remember a time when I was quiet and pleasant, and if you walked up to me on the street I would only smile and say hello. I am still quiet, and despite what some people say not quite as pleasant. Now if you walked up to me on the street, I would still say hello, not quite smile, and wonder who the fuck you were, why you are talking to me at this moment, and to figure out what it is that you wanted from me. Because of course, in my mind, no one talks to anyone unless they want something from that person, and that something isn't always a bad thing, it could be a simple friendship, but no one knows expect that one person who decided to walk up to someone, take the risk, and say hello.
I have discovered, well not quite discovered because I haven't really been everywhere in this city, but more or less came to the conclusion, that they have erased, or is erasing all history from this horrid place. The only thing that could make this place worth anything they are taking away. I know that Fresno has been around for 150 years, one hundred and fucking fifty years, and it is hard to find one scrap of history anywhere. Clovis may be a different story, downtown the stores look old, the streets look old, and at night they play old school music out of speakers near the roof. The only place worth looking at in my opinion, and it is probably only four or five streets long.