The Road Goes Ever On ...
Well, it's LJ Idol time again and this week's topic is: "My Transformation".
This assignment will be a bit of a departure for me as compared to many of my other entries as I feel the time has come to stop being so glib and get down to some of the true nitty-gritty of my psyche.
My greatest transformation occurred right after my mother died. I was entirely on my own and had to survive without her ruling my life for the first time ever. While this may seem strange to many of you, my mother really did control my life in every way and there was really not much that I could do to prevent it.
Right after I graduated High School she became very ill and could no longer shop for herself or prepare meals for herself. She was still able to work but that was the limit of her abilities. Therefore, I was forced to stay home and care for her.
While I still went to college, I couldn't go away to a four-year school so I had to make due with the Junior College in town. I was also unable to drive. She refused to teach me and no one else would either. Therefore, I spent a lot of time at home with nothing but my TV for company. It's no wonder I masturbated like crazy throughout my teen years (and beyond).
Right when I had started the application process to transfer to a four-year college and had managed to secure a carpool to the classes, she was diagnosed with cancer. So, I had to once more relinquish that hope and stayed at home caring for her even more. Due to her fear of doctors, she was very far gone by the time she was diagnosed and died less than a year later.
Once she was dead, I had to settle her affairs and was totally on my own for the first time in my life. I ended up having to buy a car in order to learn to drive. The town I was living in was experiencing a severe depression and jobs were extremely scarce (even shitty ones like fast food) but I managed to find some and managed to support myself. I lived alone for the first time in my life.
During this time alone, I was finally able to come to terms with the shadows of my past. I dealt with the fact that I had been raped twice. I accepted my bisexuality and the fact that it is somehow tied to those incidents. I realized where most of my fears came from and understand the traumas behind them. I realized that I had finally broken free from my mother's abuse, although not in the way I had hoped.
I started depending on myself and found out who my true friends were and started on the road to the future.
While that road has been far from smooth and has been filled with it's own share of sorrow and tragedy, I have been able to face every obstacle life has thrown in front of me so far. I am a good person and while I am certainly very different from the "norm", I don't think that's such a bad thing to be.
So, there you have it. Welcome to my world. It's sometimes scary and often disturbing but I've found it to be the ride of my lifetime.
This assignment will be a bit of a departure for me as compared to many of my other entries as I feel the time has come to stop being so glib and get down to some of the true nitty-gritty of my psyche.
My greatest transformation occurred right after my mother died. I was entirely on my own and had to survive without her ruling my life for the first time ever. While this may seem strange to many of you, my mother really did control my life in every way and there was really not much that I could do to prevent it.
Right after I graduated High School she became very ill and could no longer shop for herself or prepare meals for herself. She was still able to work but that was the limit of her abilities. Therefore, I was forced to stay home and care for her.
While I still went to college, I couldn't go away to a four-year school so I had to make due with the Junior College in town. I was also unable to drive. She refused to teach me and no one else would either. Therefore, I spent a lot of time at home with nothing but my TV for company. It's no wonder I masturbated like crazy throughout my teen years (and beyond).
Right when I had started the application process to transfer to a four-year college and had managed to secure a carpool to the classes, she was diagnosed with cancer. So, I had to once more relinquish that hope and stayed at home caring for her even more. Due to her fear of doctors, she was very far gone by the time she was diagnosed and died less than a year later.
Once she was dead, I had to settle her affairs and was totally on my own for the first time in my life. I ended up having to buy a car in order to learn to drive. The town I was living in was experiencing a severe depression and jobs were extremely scarce (even shitty ones like fast food) but I managed to find some and managed to support myself. I lived alone for the first time in my life.
During this time alone, I was finally able to come to terms with the shadows of my past. I dealt with the fact that I had been raped twice. I accepted my bisexuality and the fact that it is somehow tied to those incidents. I realized where most of my fears came from and understand the traumas behind them. I realized that I had finally broken free from my mother's abuse, although not in the way I had hoped.
I started depending on myself and found out who my true friends were and started on the road to the future.
While that road has been far from smooth and has been filled with it's own share of sorrow and tragedy, I have been able to face every obstacle life has thrown in front of me so far. I am a good person and while I am certainly very different from the "norm", I don't think that's such a bad thing to be.
So, there you have it. Welcome to my world. It's sometimes scary and often disturbing but I've found it to be the ride of my lifetime.