"maybe you can help, I am looking for someone to dance with"
I want to start talking to Tara again, I think I need to, it's just sord of complicated all of a sudden. I think I lie so much to myself, that I can't even decifer what is real and what is not anymore. I am so not motivated to do anything anymore. I have no clue what I am going to do after high school, like everyone is applying and gettting accepted to colleges, and I haven't even taken the ACT yet, and I don't even want to. It's just a little scary when you think about it. For twelve years I have been comforted with being told what to do, and how to do it, and they just expect you to know what you want to be, when you haven't even got a chance to find out yet. I'm not good at anything in peticular, and it kills me. Everyone else has something about them that they are known for, and that they can do, or else that is what it seems like all of a sudden. Everyone is acting as if I don't go to college right after high school, it is going to be the end of the world.. but honestly I thought this was my life, and shouldn't I do things when I know I am ready for them? I have already been through so many things that many girls or even women never go through or will ever know what it feels like to be faced with a decision that can make or ruin your life as well as many other things, but when I am faced with a decision about what I want to do when I grow up, or if I am going to college, I freeze, or a couple of times I have caught myself lying.. Like Western called the other day and asked me if I was interested in them, and I automatically lied "oh yes, I already have an application, and I am wating to apply." and when the women at work ask me what I am going to do after high school.. "oh yeah, I am going to probably go to JCC for my first two years, then go from there." Lies, all of them. I just don't want to reply "um, I don't know if I am going to college after high school." I don't want to look like an idiot while telling them the truth at the same time. It's not even about what I am going to do after high school, it is about what I am doing right now. If I keep lying to myself then how will I ever be able to help myself with all of these major decisions. I would just say fuck all of this thinking and smoke some weed or something, but even when I do that I think too much... jskdfhjksghkl I'm done.