This The Season to Watch Terrible Movies!
So it's Christmas Season here in the Philippines, which means one thing:
The cinemas are full of shit. Why? Because the Metro Manila Film Festival is in town.
Now don't get me wrong, I love Pinoy films. While I am a bit of a film snob, I can certainly appreciate the odd slapstick comedy or brainless action flick. I just hate the fact that the Filipino movie industry been on a downward spiral for the last 20 or so years, and that there's been no sign of any improvement.
To give you an idea, this year the only Filipino movie I watched was "Kimmy Dora", and it was so much better than the rest of the movies that came out this year that I was willing to watch it again. In fact, if it wasn't already a box-office smash, I would've paid money to buy tickets for me and an "I don't watch local movies cause they're shit" person to watch it, where I will sit beside this person with a stick with a nail on it and hit them repeatedly with it if they start talking about how derivative it was, or how nonsensical, because DAMNIT there is actually coherent plotting, decent acting in a comedy movie, and a marked non-reliance on slapstick.
But back to the movies showing now. I'll try to give you my assessment of what to watch this Filmfest, based entirely on their trailers, movie posters, and interviews with the idiots responsible for inflicting these abominations upon us.
But first, a quick question: What am I going to watch in Manila if I want to watch something that won't make me want to claw my eyes out?
Answer: Avatar, by James Cameron. It's still thankfully showing in the IMAX cinemas in the city (both at Mall of Asia and SM North) since say whatever you want about Henry Sy, overlord of the SM behemoth, but he is a good businessman and he knows that the people who can afford to watch at IMAX theaters won't pay to watch, say, Panday or Wapakman in them.
And now, on to the actual Filmfest movies!
Movie: Ang Darling Kong Aswang
Starring: Vic Sotto, Cristine Reyes, Agot Isidro, Joey de Leon
Directed by: Tony Y. Reyes
Produced by: OctoArts Films
Why should I watch this? Because Vic Sotto and Joey de Leon are actually funny comedians. Because Cristine Reyes is hot. Because Agot Isidro can really rock comedic villainous roles (if you missed her in the stage version of ZsaZsa Zaturnnah, then you should kill yourself). Because Cristine Reyes is really hot. Because nothing prepares you for holidays with the family like watching a horror-comedy. And did I mention that Cristine Reyes is hot?
Why shouldn't I watch this? Because Vic Sotto and Joey de Leon have been cruising by, recycling their old material for the past few years. Because the two are far funnier when they're in their own personas rather than acting, not that it makes any difference because I doubt they'll actually be doing any acting in this movie. Because Agot Isidro is going to be criminally underused in this movie. And Cristine Reyes does not exactly set the world on fire when it comes to comedic timing - being funnier than Kristine Hermosa is not exactly much of a compliment.
Movie: Ang Panday
Starring: Bong Revilla, Iza Calzado, Rhian Ramos, Buboy Villar, Phillip Salvador
Directed by: Mac Alejandre
Produced by: GMA Films and Imus Productions
Why should I watch this? Because Philip Salvador needs the work - he's one of the best actors left in the Philippine movie industry, and he doesn't quite fit on TV. Because Iza Calzado is a treasure. Because they actually spent money on special effects. Because you get a free ticket to the carousel at Enchanted Kingdom when you buy a ticket to the movie!
Why shouldn't I watch this? Because you'll be bankrolling Bong Revilla's future political ambitions with every ticket you buy. Because Bong Revilla is an awful actor, and an awful person, who really shouldn't be stuffing himself into too-small leather costumes and cavorting with women the age of his daughter. Because Rhian Ramos has no life on camera. Because Philip Salvador may get typecast into nothing but villain roles if this movie makes enough money, which might be worse than never seeing him again act on camera. Because all the special effects in the world can't save your movie if it is a flaming pile of shit. Because this ruins one of the very few legacies that FPJ has left. Because you'll also be bankrolling National Artist Carlo J. Caparas's future senate ambitions.
Movie: I Love You, Goodbye
Starring: Angelica Panganiban, Gabby Concepcion, Kim Chiu, Derek Ramsay
Directed by: Laurice Guillen
Produced by: Star Cinema
Why should I watch this? Because Gabby Concepcion is actually a decent actor. Because the concept is actually intriguing, if not totally ripped off from The Golden Bowl. Because Angelica Panganiban is actually shaping up to be a competent actress.
Why shouldn't I watch this? Because Kim Chiu can't act to save her life. Because I wouldn't piss on Kim Chiu if she was on fire. Because it's skeevy to see Gabby Concepcion in an onscreen relationship with an actress younger than his real-life daughter. Because Derek Ramsay doesn't have the acting chops nor is he sympathetic enough to keep up with the demands of an intense movie like this. Because we know this is going to have a happy ending. Because Laurice Guillen has inflicted too many weepy chickflicks on us. Because Star Cinema is a gateway of horrors.
Movie: Mano Po 6: A Mother's Love
Starring: Sharon Cuneta, Kris Aquino, Zsa Zsa Padilla, Christopher De Leon, Heart Evangelista, Dennis Trillo, Ciara Sotto
Directed by: Joel Lamangan
Produced by: Regal Entertainment
Why should I watch this? Because Sharon Cuneta, Cristopher De Leon, Zsa Zsa Padilla, and Dennis Trillo are all really good actors. Because it would be hilarious watching Kris Aquino attempt not to get outshone and/or out-acted by her co-stars. Because Mother Lily will send ninja assassins to kill me in my sleep if I talk trash about her movie.
Why shouldn't I watch this? Because it's part 6 of a shitty series that had two good lines and one relatively funny parody installment THREE YEARS AGO. Because you know Zsa Zsa Padilla will end up chewing the scenery when put beside Sharon Cuneta's subtle acting and Kris Aquino's non-acting. Because you just know it's going to be yet another Cinderella/girl gets oppressed but rises above it to become awesome story that almost every Sharon Cuneta movie is (exception: Crying Ladies, which I love). Because it's going to have a happy ending.
Movie: Nobody, Nobody But... Juan
Starring: Dolphy, Gloria Romero, Eddie Garcia, Pokwang, Heart Evangelista, Willie Revillame
Directed by: Enrico S. Quizon
Produced by: RVQ Productions
Why should I watch this? *sigh* Because Dolphy, Gloria Romero, and Eddie Garcia are national treasures. Hell, they are institutions of the Philippine movie industry, and deserve to be in movies that make great use of them. They are reminders of a better time, when the Philippine movie industry was capable of making original, not too derivative gems, and they deserve every award they've gotten and will get.
Why shouldn't I watch this? ...Except if they get any awards for this movie, it will be a travesty. This is a movie whose title is based on a shitty K-pop song. Whose poster features uber-senior citizen Dolphy in a loin cloth. And stars Pokwang and Willie Revillame in supporting roles. Fuck, are Dolphy, Gloria Romero, and Eddie Garcia so starved for work that they're willing to put up with those two pieces of shit in their movies?
Movie: Shake, Rattle and Roll XI
Starring: Ruffa Gutierrez, Zoren Legaspi, Jennica Garcia, Mart Escudero, Maja Salvador, Iya Villania, Bangs Garcia
Directed by: Michael Perez and Rico Gutierrez
Produced by: Regal Entertainment
Why should I watch this? Because there's usually at least one entertaining segment in this installment of the long running horror anthology. Because we really want to see horrible things to be inflicted upon Ruffa Guttierrez. Because Maja Salvador can actually sort of act. Because Mother Lily will send ninja assassins to kill me in my sleep if I talk trash about her movie.
Why shouldn't I watch this? Because this is part 11 of a series that peaked with their part 2 which came out back in the late 80s. TWENTY YEARS AGO. Because before all the installments were actually good, now it's just one decent one and two fail-y ones that make you want to go on a violent homicidal rampage afterwards. Because this might end up being the one that has no decent installment at all. Because Mother Lily has two movies coming out with each MMFF, violating all of the rules, when good movies like Magnifico (which won international awards and is a heartwarming movie and should've been the Philippine entry to the Oscars if it had any decent distribution) get rejected from the MMFF and their producers go bankrupt. Because watching Iya Villania act makes my teeth hurt.
Movie: Wapakman
Starring: Manny Pacquiao, Krista Ranillo , Rufa Mae Quinto, Benjie Paras, Bianca King, Mura
Directed by: Topel Lee
Produced by: Solar Entertainment Corporation
Why should I watch this? Because Rufa Mae Quinto is a very funny actress. Because Topel Lee is a decent director. Because Solar Entertainment Corporation owns the funniest channels on Philippine TV now.
Why shouldn't I watch this? Because this will bankroll Manny Pacquiao's future political ambitions AND his lovenest with Krista Ranillo. Because nobody aside from Rufa Mae Quinto can act to give a damn in the cast. Because they stole the soundtrack from the Pac-Man video games, along with most of the visuals of the movie.
***
I hope you make great use of my guide!
The cinemas are full of shit. Why? Because the Metro Manila Film Festival is in town.
Now don't get me wrong, I love Pinoy films. While I am a bit of a film snob, I can certainly appreciate the odd slapstick comedy or brainless action flick. I just hate the fact that the Filipino movie industry been on a downward spiral for the last 20 or so years, and that there's been no sign of any improvement.
To give you an idea, this year the only Filipino movie I watched was "Kimmy Dora", and it was so much better than the rest of the movies that came out this year that I was willing to watch it again. In fact, if it wasn't already a box-office smash, I would've paid money to buy tickets for me and an "I don't watch local movies cause they're shit" person to watch it, where I will sit beside this person with a stick with a nail on it and hit them repeatedly with it if they start talking about how derivative it was, or how nonsensical, because DAMNIT there is actually coherent plotting, decent acting in a comedy movie, and a marked non-reliance on slapstick.
But back to the movies showing now. I'll try to give you my assessment of what to watch this Filmfest, based entirely on their trailers, movie posters, and interviews with the idiots responsible for inflicting these abominations upon us.
But first, a quick question: What am I going to watch in Manila if I want to watch something that won't make me want to claw my eyes out?
Answer: Avatar, by James Cameron. It's still thankfully showing in the IMAX cinemas in the city (both at Mall of Asia and SM North) since say whatever you want about Henry Sy, overlord of the SM behemoth, but he is a good businessman and he knows that the people who can afford to watch at IMAX theaters won't pay to watch, say, Panday or Wapakman in them.
And now, on to the actual Filmfest movies!
Movie: Ang Darling Kong Aswang
Starring: Vic Sotto, Cristine Reyes, Agot Isidro, Joey de Leon
Directed by: Tony Y. Reyes
Produced by: OctoArts Films
Why should I watch this? Because Vic Sotto and Joey de Leon are actually funny comedians. Because Cristine Reyes is hot. Because Agot Isidro can really rock comedic villainous roles (if you missed her in the stage version of ZsaZsa Zaturnnah, then you should kill yourself). Because Cristine Reyes is really hot. Because nothing prepares you for holidays with the family like watching a horror-comedy. And did I mention that Cristine Reyes is hot?
Why shouldn't I watch this? Because Vic Sotto and Joey de Leon have been cruising by, recycling their old material for the past few years. Because the two are far funnier when they're in their own personas rather than acting, not that it makes any difference because I doubt they'll actually be doing any acting in this movie. Because Agot Isidro is going to be criminally underused in this movie. And Cristine Reyes does not exactly set the world on fire when it comes to comedic timing - being funnier than Kristine Hermosa is not exactly much of a compliment.
Movie: Ang Panday
Starring: Bong Revilla, Iza Calzado, Rhian Ramos, Buboy Villar, Phillip Salvador
Directed by: Mac Alejandre
Produced by: GMA Films and Imus Productions
Why should I watch this? Because Philip Salvador needs the work - he's one of the best actors left in the Philippine movie industry, and he doesn't quite fit on TV. Because Iza Calzado is a treasure. Because they actually spent money on special effects. Because you get a free ticket to the carousel at Enchanted Kingdom when you buy a ticket to the movie!
Why shouldn't I watch this? Because you'll be bankrolling Bong Revilla's future political ambitions with every ticket you buy. Because Bong Revilla is an awful actor, and an awful person, who really shouldn't be stuffing himself into too-small leather costumes and cavorting with women the age of his daughter. Because Rhian Ramos has no life on camera. Because Philip Salvador may get typecast into nothing but villain roles if this movie makes enough money, which might be worse than never seeing him again act on camera. Because all the special effects in the world can't save your movie if it is a flaming pile of shit. Because this ruins one of the very few legacies that FPJ has left. Because you'll also be bankrolling National Artist Carlo J. Caparas's future senate ambitions.
Movie: I Love You, Goodbye
Starring: Angelica Panganiban, Gabby Concepcion, Kim Chiu, Derek Ramsay
Directed by: Laurice Guillen
Produced by: Star Cinema
Why should I watch this? Because Gabby Concepcion is actually a decent actor. Because the concept is actually intriguing, if not totally ripped off from The Golden Bowl. Because Angelica Panganiban is actually shaping up to be a competent actress.
Why shouldn't I watch this? Because Kim Chiu can't act to save her life. Because I wouldn't piss on Kim Chiu if she was on fire. Because it's skeevy to see Gabby Concepcion in an onscreen relationship with an actress younger than his real-life daughter. Because Derek Ramsay doesn't have the acting chops nor is he sympathetic enough to keep up with the demands of an intense movie like this. Because we know this is going to have a happy ending. Because Laurice Guillen has inflicted too many weepy chickflicks on us. Because Star Cinema is a gateway of horrors.
Movie: Mano Po 6: A Mother's Love
Starring: Sharon Cuneta, Kris Aquino, Zsa Zsa Padilla, Christopher De Leon, Heart Evangelista, Dennis Trillo, Ciara Sotto
Directed by: Joel Lamangan
Produced by: Regal Entertainment
Why should I watch this? Because Sharon Cuneta, Cristopher De Leon, Zsa Zsa Padilla, and Dennis Trillo are all really good actors. Because it would be hilarious watching Kris Aquino attempt not to get outshone and/or out-acted by her co-stars. Because Mother Lily will send ninja assassins to kill me in my sleep if I talk trash about her movie.
Why shouldn't I watch this? Because it's part 6 of a shitty series that had two good lines and one relatively funny parody installment THREE YEARS AGO. Because you know Zsa Zsa Padilla will end up chewing the scenery when put beside Sharon Cuneta's subtle acting and Kris Aquino's non-acting. Because you just know it's going to be yet another Cinderella/girl gets oppressed but rises above it to become awesome story that almost every Sharon Cuneta movie is (exception: Crying Ladies, which I love). Because it's going to have a happy ending.
Movie: Nobody, Nobody But... Juan
Starring: Dolphy, Gloria Romero, Eddie Garcia, Pokwang, Heart Evangelista, Willie Revillame
Directed by: Enrico S. Quizon
Produced by: RVQ Productions
Why should I watch this? *sigh* Because Dolphy, Gloria Romero, and Eddie Garcia are national treasures. Hell, they are institutions of the Philippine movie industry, and deserve to be in movies that make great use of them. They are reminders of a better time, when the Philippine movie industry was capable of making original, not too derivative gems, and they deserve every award they've gotten and will get.
Why shouldn't I watch this? ...Except if they get any awards for this movie, it will be a travesty. This is a movie whose title is based on a shitty K-pop song. Whose poster features uber-senior citizen Dolphy in a loin cloth. And stars Pokwang and Willie Revillame in supporting roles. Fuck, are Dolphy, Gloria Romero, and Eddie Garcia so starved for work that they're willing to put up with those two pieces of shit in their movies?
Movie: Shake, Rattle and Roll XI
Starring: Ruffa Gutierrez, Zoren Legaspi, Jennica Garcia, Mart Escudero, Maja Salvador, Iya Villania, Bangs Garcia
Directed by: Michael Perez and Rico Gutierrez
Produced by: Regal Entertainment
Why should I watch this? Because there's usually at least one entertaining segment in this installment of the long running horror anthology. Because we really want to see horrible things to be inflicted upon Ruffa Guttierrez. Because Maja Salvador can actually sort of act. Because Mother Lily will send ninja assassins to kill me in my sleep if I talk trash about her movie.
Why shouldn't I watch this? Because this is part 11 of a series that peaked with their part 2 which came out back in the late 80s. TWENTY YEARS AGO. Because before all the installments were actually good, now it's just one decent one and two fail-y ones that make you want to go on a violent homicidal rampage afterwards. Because this might end up being the one that has no decent installment at all. Because Mother Lily has two movies coming out with each MMFF, violating all of the rules, when good movies like Magnifico (which won international awards and is a heartwarming movie and should've been the Philippine entry to the Oscars if it had any decent distribution) get rejected from the MMFF and their producers go bankrupt. Because watching Iya Villania act makes my teeth hurt.
Movie: Wapakman
Starring: Manny Pacquiao, Krista Ranillo , Rufa Mae Quinto, Benjie Paras, Bianca King, Mura
Directed by: Topel Lee
Produced by: Solar Entertainment Corporation
Why should I watch this? Because Rufa Mae Quinto is a very funny actress. Because Topel Lee is a decent director. Because Solar Entertainment Corporation owns the funniest channels on Philippine TV now.
Why shouldn't I watch this? Because this will bankroll Manny Pacquiao's future political ambitions AND his lovenest with Krista Ranillo. Because nobody aside from Rufa Mae Quinto can act to give a damn in the cast. Because they stole the soundtrack from the Pac-Man video games, along with most of the visuals of the movie.
***
I hope you make great use of my guide!