4.08 - Pale Sunlight Lights Us Up
I've been teetering lately. Both Kelly and Rachel have contacted me with semi-apologetic tones, not sorry for my sake so much as to alleviate their own guilt. Which should be substantial, all things considered. Some sins of the soul...anyway. The question I'm faced with now is that after everything that's happened, would I go back? Would I forgive and forget, take back the friends who I miss more than anything, who I still instinctively reach out for when something strikes me? I don't know how I feel about this. I'm only beginning to make my peace with the dire situation I find myself in, standing on the brink, looking down, every day considering flinging myself into the abyss. I haven't fallen in, yet.
There are gray skies outside and a sort of pale sunlight is filtering in. I think it's more depressing than when it's simply gray. I have a great deal of work to do today and think I'll barracade myself in the library. I said that my stab at diligence is really just my fancy way of distracting myself from more harrowing feelings, which it is.
I do everything alone these days. Go to class, eat(for the most part), study, watch TV and movies, read(which is usually done alone, but that wasn't always the case with me), sure there are exceptions but those are few and unfulfilling. I keep saying that I just have to make it to Spring Break, then I'll be able to get my head back...perhaps. There's a great deal of uncertainty in my world these days and it doesn't sit well with me.
I sent a message to the Pittsburgh Zoo for a possible internship. I should hear back sometime this week. I'm hoping to be in the city one way or the other this summer. I need to get out of this small town cycle I'm stuck in and back to the city of my dreams.
There are gray skies outside and a sort of pale sunlight is filtering in. I think it's more depressing than when it's simply gray. I have a great deal of work to do today and think I'll barracade myself in the library. I said that my stab at diligence is really just my fancy way of distracting myself from more harrowing feelings, which it is.
I do everything alone these days. Go to class, eat(for the most part), study, watch TV and movies, read(which is usually done alone, but that wasn't always the case with me), sure there are exceptions but those are few and unfulfilling. I keep saying that I just have to make it to Spring Break, then I'll be able to get my head back...perhaps. There's a great deal of uncertainty in my world these days and it doesn't sit well with me.
I sent a message to the Pittsburgh Zoo for a possible internship. I should hear back sometime this week. I'm hoping to be in the city one way or the other this summer. I need to get out of this small town cycle I'm stuck in and back to the city of my dreams.