4.02 - A Step in the Right Direction
Getting out of my present funk has been hard. I'm usually a fairly resilient person when it comes to facing the downside of social existance, but this whole mess has really gotten me tangled internally. I find myself straying from the crowd, forsaking interaction in lieu of time alone. I'm not looking to meet new people, I'm not going out of my way to bring people in, I'm at some level frightened of the prospect. But there is a certain hope in that regardless of how I feel inside, the life I've created and the fatalism that possesses me from time to time, seems to keep me on an uphill slope, hard to climb, but going up in the world anyway.
This morning I was wiped, I slept until about an hour before class. I showered and dressed quickly, realizing belatedly that I needed to do laundry and cobbled together an outfit that didn't go over as well as the one I made up yesterday. Oh, well. I got a 38/50 on my Stats quiz, a grade I think is lower than I deserve and I'll go visit Todd when I've looked over the text a little. Life Span was straightforward, nothing of note.
Right after class, I went over to see Terrence in the ACCEL office. We rhapsodized about summer internships for about half an hour, I found a couple prospects, and the sad reality that most people want juniors. Grr. I'm thinking about something in social work as a result. We'll see. After that meeting, I grabbed lunch and went to the GAP office for my office hours and spent the time working on an article for Dr. Bluhm. I looked up Ethel Tobach and found that she's been around for awhile, probably one of the best in the field.
After office hours, I went to my standing meeting with Dr. Bluhm, every Wednesday afternoon. We made some progress, nothing much of note since it's the nitty gritty research that we're working on now. I did get an official confirmation of our acceptance at the APA from Dr. Clayton, another of the panel members. That was nice. Human Social Behavior was non-descript, we finished up models of attitudes and are going to start on persuasion and propaganda next, which I'm looking forward to. I like DeLamarter, he's very much the archetypal professor I was expecting to run across. Once that class was over, I came back to Walker Annex and collapsed.
My alarm woke me at 6:30 and I rushed to get ready for the Moot Court meeting. Stacey, my partner, couldn't be there so she asked me to tape it, which I did. The judges were much more organized and coherent than I thought the attorneys were. It only took about forty minutes, which gave me plenty of time to get over to Quigley for Jeffrey Thompson.
On Tuesday, Professor Nesset mentioned that Jeff Thompson would be coming to read some of his poetry and that we should attend and that there would be a reception afterward. I thought it sounded interesting and had it set aside in my mind as something to distract me from the harrowing internal turmoil. I made it and enjoyed it. I realize more and more lately that I've been neglecting the writer within me, instead focusing on schoolwork. I need to get back to my writing roots, it's so much a part of who I am and how I see myself that I need to give it more attention than I have. It might go a long way to restoring my self.
When Jeff Thompson had concluded, I said hello to Jessica, a senior I've run across only a few times in my tenure at Allegheny, but who I feel is one of the worthwhile leaders and role models on campus. This semester I'm looking to pick the brains of these leader/role models of mine, I have about six, and so far, I've done zero. But, it is only February. She recommended the reception and I decided to go, even though it would mean missing the GAP meeting and ALIAS. Someone would tape it. Someone always does.
I saw Professor Nesset and he connected me with Hannah, someone who's in my Life Span class and I sort of recognized but don't really know. Hannah and I went over to Caflisch so she could change. While we were there and on the drive to the Bakken residence, I told her a moderately abridged version of my recent troubles. I meet this woman and within half an hour, I'm telling her the most current sob story of my mottled past. WHAT?!? I'll tell people I know, I even mention to people who ask how I am in passing that it's not going well, but to a complete stranger? I don't want to be that guy.
We arrived at the Bakken residence close to 9:45 and went in. Jessica was just leaving and I told her I'd be in contact to set up a meeting. Got to get on that. For about two and a half hours, I hung out with a bunch of writers and intellectuals to an almost astonishing degree of personal satisfaction. Nesset apparently read part of one of my entries to the class and when he introduced me to Christopher Bakken, mentioned that I was up on Bethany Yarrow and the Unquiet Grave. This was the first time I met either Christopher or Kerry Bakken and from first impressions, I liked them. I look forward to seeing either or both of them in creative writing classes. I also ran into Ariel, Emmett's goddaughter. It was one of those chance meetings where you know a mutual friend and that's the topic of conversation until you find some other connection. I met two of the actors from As You Like It, which I saw with Kelly and Rachel and ... they hurt, memories. Even now, it's hard separating that from my lonely present. I miss them. I'm hurt more than angry, but still understandably pissed. Angela and Alex. I like those two, they're characters, as are most English oriented people. Other notable reception memories were Chris Bakken sitting us all down in his living room and telling us the story behind two paintings he has on display and chatting with Kerry Bakken in the kitchen about Greece. Hannah and I mingled, occassionally hanging out together, and we left saying our goodbyes and thank yous close to midnight.
I got back to Walker Annex close to 12:30. I had reading and an essay for Michaels to do yet. I still do. It's nearly 4:00 now and I need a few hours of sleep. I got the reading done at least, while doing laundry and making dinner. I needed to eat something. Drinking beer on an empty stomach is a bad, bad idea. Beer in any context is bad. I prefer wine or mixed drinks and I don't think I've ever had a good experience with beer. It's so...bourgeois. Anyway, now I'm fed and weary, but in a good way. The day ahead seems all the more promising.
It's almost funny when you consider the first or last time you do anything. Tonight I met the Bakkens and started down a path with the writers of Allegheny College, which I think is the right direction to be going in, on the heels of a serious loss. The last time I saw Kelly or Rachel versus the first time I met any of these writers, there's a fatalistic randomness about it. One door closes, another opens, and such. That's a much more idealistic interpretation than I'm capable of believeing at present, but there's a ring of fate to this all.
"Perhaps a change in the weather will bring her out of hiding..."
This morning I was wiped, I slept until about an hour before class. I showered and dressed quickly, realizing belatedly that I needed to do laundry and cobbled together an outfit that didn't go over as well as the one I made up yesterday. Oh, well. I got a 38/50 on my Stats quiz, a grade I think is lower than I deserve and I'll go visit Todd when I've looked over the text a little. Life Span was straightforward, nothing of note.
Right after class, I went over to see Terrence in the ACCEL office. We rhapsodized about summer internships for about half an hour, I found a couple prospects, and the sad reality that most people want juniors. Grr. I'm thinking about something in social work as a result. We'll see. After that meeting, I grabbed lunch and went to the GAP office for my office hours and spent the time working on an article for Dr. Bluhm. I looked up Ethel Tobach and found that she's been around for awhile, probably one of the best in the field.
After office hours, I went to my standing meeting with Dr. Bluhm, every Wednesday afternoon. We made some progress, nothing much of note since it's the nitty gritty research that we're working on now. I did get an official confirmation of our acceptance at the APA from Dr. Clayton, another of the panel members. That was nice. Human Social Behavior was non-descript, we finished up models of attitudes and are going to start on persuasion and propaganda next, which I'm looking forward to. I like DeLamarter, he's very much the archetypal professor I was expecting to run across. Once that class was over, I came back to Walker Annex and collapsed.
My alarm woke me at 6:30 and I rushed to get ready for the Moot Court meeting. Stacey, my partner, couldn't be there so she asked me to tape it, which I did. The judges were much more organized and coherent than I thought the attorneys were. It only took about forty minutes, which gave me plenty of time to get over to Quigley for Jeffrey Thompson.
On Tuesday, Professor Nesset mentioned that Jeff Thompson would be coming to read some of his poetry and that we should attend and that there would be a reception afterward. I thought it sounded interesting and had it set aside in my mind as something to distract me from the harrowing internal turmoil. I made it and enjoyed it. I realize more and more lately that I've been neglecting the writer within me, instead focusing on schoolwork. I need to get back to my writing roots, it's so much a part of who I am and how I see myself that I need to give it more attention than I have. It might go a long way to restoring my self.
When Jeff Thompson had concluded, I said hello to Jessica, a senior I've run across only a few times in my tenure at Allegheny, but who I feel is one of the worthwhile leaders and role models on campus. This semester I'm looking to pick the brains of these leader/role models of mine, I have about six, and so far, I've done zero. But, it is only February. She recommended the reception and I decided to go, even though it would mean missing the GAP meeting and ALIAS. Someone would tape it. Someone always does.
I saw Professor Nesset and he connected me with Hannah, someone who's in my Life Span class and I sort of recognized but don't really know. Hannah and I went over to Caflisch so she could change. While we were there and on the drive to the Bakken residence, I told her a moderately abridged version of my recent troubles. I meet this woman and within half an hour, I'm telling her the most current sob story of my mottled past. WHAT?!? I'll tell people I know, I even mention to people who ask how I am in passing that it's not going well, but to a complete stranger? I don't want to be that guy.
We arrived at the Bakken residence close to 9:45 and went in. Jessica was just leaving and I told her I'd be in contact to set up a meeting. Got to get on that. For about two and a half hours, I hung out with a bunch of writers and intellectuals to an almost astonishing degree of personal satisfaction. Nesset apparently read part of one of my entries to the class and when he introduced me to Christopher Bakken, mentioned that I was up on Bethany Yarrow and the Unquiet Grave. This was the first time I met either Christopher or Kerry Bakken and from first impressions, I liked them. I look forward to seeing either or both of them in creative writing classes. I also ran into Ariel, Emmett's goddaughter. It was one of those chance meetings where you know a mutual friend and that's the topic of conversation until you find some other connection. I met two of the actors from As You Like It, which I saw with Kelly and Rachel and ... they hurt, memories. Even now, it's hard separating that from my lonely present. I miss them. I'm hurt more than angry, but still understandably pissed. Angela and Alex. I like those two, they're characters, as are most English oriented people. Other notable reception memories were Chris Bakken sitting us all down in his living room and telling us the story behind two paintings he has on display and chatting with Kerry Bakken in the kitchen about Greece. Hannah and I mingled, occassionally hanging out together, and we left saying our goodbyes and thank yous close to midnight.
I got back to Walker Annex close to 12:30. I had reading and an essay for Michaels to do yet. I still do. It's nearly 4:00 now and I need a few hours of sleep. I got the reading done at least, while doing laundry and making dinner. I needed to eat something. Drinking beer on an empty stomach is a bad, bad idea. Beer in any context is bad. I prefer wine or mixed drinks and I don't think I've ever had a good experience with beer. It's so...bourgeois. Anyway, now I'm fed and weary, but in a good way. The day ahead seems all the more promising.
It's almost funny when you consider the first or last time you do anything. Tonight I met the Bakkens and started down a path with the writers of Allegheny College, which I think is the right direction to be going in, on the heels of a serious loss. The last time I saw Kelly or Rachel versus the first time I met any of these writers, there's a fatalistic randomness about it. One door closes, another opens, and such. That's a much more idealistic interpretation than I'm capable of believeing at present, but there's a ring of fate to this all.
"Perhaps a change in the weather will bring her out of hiding..."