(Untitled)

[little_moons]

I'm sitting in the sand.

I don't know how long I've been here.

I didn't run away, this time. We went home, after the fired died down, a small, wooden box of ashes held in Tom's hands. We had dinner. We sat in heavy, aching silence in the living room, Mike's absence hanging thick and suffocating between us. This home that had been warm and happy

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[justsookie]

I hate funerals. I hated them when I was seven, when I had to watch my parents' caskets get lowered into the ground, heard everyone saying how sorry they were, how young Corbett and Michelle were, how unfortunate it was that they were leaving two kids behind in the world without parents to look after them. Even back then, people were already starting to wonder about Sookie, who was strange, who was weird, who knew things she shouldn't and didn't seem to have a filter on that damned tiny mouth of hers. I hated them even more after gran's funeral, all those fake condolences when some were saying that she had it coming to her, others blaming me, thinking my words insincere. I hate funerals, because... really, there isn't anything right to say, right to do, and there's always someone looking at the whole ordeal like a spectacle. And that's not what those who've passed deserve. That's not what whose who survive deserve

[little_moons]

I'm quiet for a long time after I realize she's there. I smoke my cigarette down to a nub and then toss the smoldering butt of it into the sea, hearing the faint sizzle of it hitting the water before it's washed out in the tide.

I glance over my shoulder, just to check, an awkward approximation of a smile tipping sideways across my lips.

"Hey, Sook," I murmur, clearing the roughness out of my throat, my arms wrapped around my torso against a chill that isn't really there.

[justsookie]

Did you know that people can sound blank? Like they're just empty inside, nothing more than a light buzz passing through every last cell. Maybe he's actually screaming inside, but somehow, I don't think so. I think that what I hear in him is an echo. Quiet, and not in the way that I've always known Neil to be. In a way, I hate it, because that's never how I've been and... right now, that means I don't know how to approach him or how to even start making it better. Doesn't mean that I won't try, though.

"Hey, Neil," I reply, voice cracking as I quickly splash through the water, his acknowledgment all that I need before I'm there and wrapping him so tight that I have to hope he doesn't forget to breathe. I don't know if it'll help, or if he'll even hug back at all, but I have to try.

Lord help me, I feel like crying now, but it just isn't my place.

[little_moons]

"Jesus, Sookie," I breathe, folding my arms around her and shamelessly burying my face in her neck, and for a moment, I think about Eostre. I wonder what it would've been like if she'd still been here. If we would've been able to comfort each other, or if after all this time, things would've still been strange between us.

I remember how she smelled. How it felt to have her arms around me. Selfishly, I wish I could have her here, because no matter what, I always felt a little better whenever she was around.

"We're gettin' wet," I mutter, like maybe I hadn't noticed before.

[justsookie]

Good. He's hugging back. Sometimes with things like this, you can never tell whether or not a person will; I certainly remember that I hadn't been able to hug everyone back after gran's funeral, not wholeheartedly, even with people as well-meaning as Arlene, for instance. But he's hugging back and that's all the confirmation I need to know that my being there, it's the right thing. My eyes screw shut and I fight off the tears as best as I can, because sometimes when I get going, I can't stop. You know, the kind of crying that leaves you gasping for air, and that's the last thing Neil needs right now, to take care of me on top of everything else

[little_moons]

"I'm really not," I whisper, even though I know what that isn't what she meant. I can't keep from saying it. Just a tiny acknowledgment that, no matter how fucking calm I am, I'm hanging on by a goddamn thread.

I lean into her, and wonder briefly if this might be what it would've been like to have a sister. It's stupid, but she's not like Wendy, or George, or even Eostre. She's a kind of family I've never really had before.

Any other time, I might be grateful. Right now, those kinds of feelings are well out of my reach.

"Nobody," I mutter, brushing a thumb underneath one of her damp eyes. "Just sayin'."

[justsookie]

There's no other word for it. This, right now, it's all heartbreaking. Hearing Neil's voice so soft against the shell of my ear. He's never really one to raise his voice to begin with, but he's always been steady before; deep down, I know that of course he's had his tumultuous times too, but since I've never seen them, it's hard to imagine until right then. When he tells me that he's not fine, all I can do is cling harder to him, already knowing that it's going to be difficult to pry me from his side for a while. (And a small voice in the back of my mind says, well, isn't this what you signed up for when Shari started her Loss Services office? But something like this, I couldn't have anticipated, and the very thought makes a lump rise in my throat

[little_moons]

"I know," I whisper, and I wanna be grateful. I want it to make things better. I am and it does, but underneath it all, it doesn't matter how many people I've got around me and how much I love them all. I want Mike here, and even though I know I'd spend my whole life regretting it, I feel like I'd trade every last one of them to have him back.

Feeling her shiver under my hands, I start walking us backward out of the tide, my forehead resting against hers.

[justsookie]

It's probably not much of a consolation prize, my being there. At least, that's how I remember it from when my parents passed, my gran's arms wrapped around me as I just bawled my eyes out. Maybe sometimes responsibility pulls us together a bit (I think suddenly of Jason, and how he tried so hard not to cry, not to be upset, because he had this little sister who needed him to be strong), but it's never the same. Nothing fills in that gaping hole that's left exactly right, but even if it only helps a tiny amount that I'm there, that's better than nothing at all. And I'll stay for as long as that's the case, my forehead still pressing up against Neil's as he leads the both of us back.

"Where do you wanna go?" I ask, mostly because I don't have anything else to say that feels right.

[little_moons]

"Home," I say, but it's not so much about want. "I need to go home. I told Tom..."

I promised him I wouldn't run off again. I promised, and it doesn't matter how fucked up things are, I can't let him down like that.

"Walk with me, okay?"

[justsookie]

I catch that subtlety in his words. Need, not want. That responsibility I've been suspecting will keep on surfacing, because Neil's... he's an adult. Whatever he was before, I can't say, I haven't known him long enough to say, but he's an adult and he doesn't shy away from his duties, not anymore, and that makes me hurt for him too. Sure, it's a good thing to have anchors that keep one from getting too lost in grief, but sometimes holding it back makes one choke too much. Sometimes wounds just need to bleed for a while, letting all of the toxins out.

"Always," I reply, because it isn't exactly like I can keep him from going home, pin him down and make sure he lets all of the negative bleed out. No, I have no right. "We can take our time if you need, though. I've... got nowhere to be for the rest of the day, nowhere but here with you."