(Untitled)

[little_moons]

I'm sitting in the sand.

I don't know how long I've been here.

I didn't run away, this time. We went home, after the fired died down, a small, wooden box of ashes held in Tom's hands. We had dinner. We sat in heavy, aching silence in the living room, Mike's absence hanging thick and suffocating between us. This home that had been warm and happy

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[justsookie]

Good. He's hugging back. Sometimes with things like this, you can never tell whether or not a person will; I certainly remember that I hadn't been able to hug everyone back after gran's funeral, not wholeheartedly, even with people as well-meaning as Arlene, for instance. But he's hugging back and that's all the confirmation I need to know that my being there, it's the right thing. My eyes screw shut and I fight off the tears as best as I can, because sometimes when I get going, I can't stop. You know, the kind of crying that leaves you gasping for air, and that's the last thing Neil needs right now, to take care of me on top of everything else.

"You're okay," I say soothingly. I don't mean perfectly okay, and I doubt that Neil will take it that way. I just mean that... you know, he's still here, he's going to make it through, we're all stronger with these things than we ever take ourselves for. I pull away just enough to land kisses in his hair, on his temple, on his forehead, one hand rising to run my thumb along his cheek.

His remark brings a watery smile to my face. "And who the heck cares if we're gettin' wet."

[little_moons]

"I'm really not," I whisper, even though I know what that isn't what she meant. I can't keep from saying it. Just a tiny acknowledgment that, no matter how fucking calm I am, I'm hanging on by a goddamn thread.

I lean into her, and wonder briefly if this might be what it would've been like to have a sister. It's stupid, but she's not like Wendy, or George, or even Eostre. She's a kind of family I've never really had before.

Any other time, I might be grateful. Right now, those kinds of feelings are well out of my reach.

"Nobody," I mutter, brushing a thumb underneath one of her damp eyes. "Just sayin'."

[justsookie]

There's no other word for it. This, right now, it's all heartbreaking. Hearing Neil's voice so soft against the shell of my ear. He's never really one to raise his voice to begin with, but he's always been steady before; deep down, I know that of course he's had his tumultuous times too, but since I've never seen them, it's hard to imagine until right then. When he tells me that he's not fine, all I can do is cling harder to him, already knowing that it's going to be difficult to pry me from his side for a while. (And a small voice in the back of my mind says, well, isn't this what you signed up for when Shari started her Loss Services office? But something like this, I couldn't have anticipated, and the very thought makes a lump rise in my throat.)

"Well, that's fine too," I reply softly, not sure how to feel about the way that even now, he seems to be looking after my welfare, brushing the tears away from my eyes. Christ.

This boy doesn't deserve to be hurting like this.

"I'm here," I tell him, cupping his face in both hands, shivering as I feel a splash of water brush against my leg. I can't tell him that I'll be here, because no doubt Mike wanted to be too. I can't make that kind of promise. But I can remind him of what's the case right now, and we can work from there.

[little_moons]

"I know," I whisper, and I wanna be grateful. I want it to make things better. I am and it does, but underneath it all, it doesn't matter how many people I've got around me and how much I love them all. I want Mike here, and even though I know I'd spend my whole life regretting it, I feel like I'd trade every last one of them to have him back.

Feeling her shiver under my hands, I start walking us backward out of the tide, my forehead resting against hers.

[justsookie]

It's probably not much of a consolation prize, my being there. At least, that's how I remember it from when my parents passed, my gran's arms wrapped around me as I just bawled my eyes out. Maybe sometimes responsibility pulls us together a bit (I think suddenly of Jason, and how he tried so hard not to cry, not to be upset, because he had this little sister who needed him to be strong), but it's never the same. Nothing fills in that gaping hole that's left exactly right, but even if it only helps a tiny amount that I'm there, that's better than nothing at all. And I'll stay for as long as that's the case, my forehead still pressing up against Neil's as he leads the both of us back.

"Where do you wanna go?" I ask, mostly because I don't have anything else to say that feels right.

[little_moons]

"Home," I say, but it's not so much about want. "I need to go home. I told Tom..."

I promised him I wouldn't run off again. I promised, and it doesn't matter how fucked up things are, I can't let him down like that.

"Walk with me, okay?"

[justsookie]

I catch that subtlety in his words. Need, not want. That responsibility I've been suspecting will keep on surfacing, because Neil's... he's an adult. Whatever he was before, I can't say, I haven't known him long enough to say, but he's an adult and he doesn't shy away from his duties, not anymore, and that makes me hurt for him too. Sure, it's a good thing to have anchors that keep one from getting too lost in grief, but sometimes holding it back makes one choke too much. Sometimes wounds just need to bleed for a while, letting all of the toxins out.

"Always," I reply, because it isn't exactly like I can keep him from going home, pin him down and make sure he lets all of the negative bleed out. No, I have no right. "We can take our time if you need, though. I've... got nowhere to be for the rest of the day, nowhere but here with you."