Wednesday Night at The Catscratch Club

[poison_lipstick]

The day was coming to a close as they opened the club, and it was a day that had just gotten weirder and weirder by the gorram second. Saffron had woken up with a boyfriend who was suddenly gay, had come across an ex-husband who was uncommonly cheery, and had made out with Major Perfect himself (who was no longer acting near as perfect) - and that

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[vvdanicavv]

"I am a strong, intelligent, independent woman," Danica told herself, her voice a soft monotone as she sipped at a drink, playing with the straw. "I can do and be whatever I want. The world is my oyster."

If she was to have any chance of finding a man to settle down with and marry she was going to have to start working for it though. She could practically hear her biological clock tick-tocking and she'd be positively heart broken if she didn't get her perfect two point four children soon

[thegreat_ashby]

"Et tu, Danica?!" Lew shouted over the music, eyes bugged, a look of betrayal overwhelming his features. Dancing on a table? WITH A CROSS!? And why was she laughing?! This wasn't the least bit funny! Where in God's name was her brother? "What's the matter with you?! Has everyone here lost their collective minds?!"

[vvdanicavv]

"Lew!" Danica beamed, spinning but making sure her attention was on him. She danced like it was May Day, not showing too much off but making sure she was noticeable.

When he yelled at her though, her face fell a little and she slowed, torn. Should she demand that he respect her and give her equal rights or should she admit the truth: that all men were superior to women and that she should obey him? The second option would take the look of horror off his face and then then maybe he'd finally ask her to go steady.

She stuck out her lower lip and blinked huge puppy dog brown eyes at him. "I'm sorry, Lew-Lew. Honey-bunny." Pale arms reached out in hopes he'd help her down. "The book told me to do it. I think it might be evil." She whispered the word, as if the Devil himself might have been listening.

[thegreat_ashby]

He did help her down (Lew was nothing if not a gentleman, after all) but the look stayed. It only worsened when he got a good look at the book she was referring to. "Well of course it's evil!" It wasn't a Bible.

"Danica, if you need a book to give you step-by-step instructions on how to be independent, then that sort of defeats the purpose, doesn't it? You become dependent on that book. That's exactly what they want."

[vvdanicavv]

"Oh, jeepers!" Lew was right. Danica clung to his neck for protection, hoping that if God was watching, he wouldn't smite her while she was with such a good, righteous man. "My name is Danica Talos and I'm a self-help book addict!" She blurted quickly, hold tightening with fear. They said admitting it was the first step to recovery. "I banish you! Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee..." She looked to Lew for approval as she spoke, sniffling a little from his expression. "...pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen."

[thegreat_ashby]

"That's my girl," he said with a nod, finally letting a smile appear. There was hope for her yet. It was a shame the same couldn't be said for the rest of the sinners they were sharing air with. "You should consider burning that book. Or lining a birdcage with it."

[vvdanicavv]

The sniffles stopped when she saw the smile and she gazed into Lew's eyes, seeing the wisdom there. It wasn't even hidden. Danica wished her brother was more like her Lew but instead, he was the wild one, off with his boots and his horse, not a care in the world. No repenting for his sins at all. She sent a silent prayer for his soul as she lay her head on Lew's shoulder.

"I think I'm too weak," she admitted, wondering whether they were being too intimate considering they weren't joined in the bonds of holy matrimony. "If I touch it it might seduce me again. Will you burn it for me? Or find the bird?" Joey Tribbiani had a really, really cute one but she wasn't sure if that came with a cage or not.

[thegreat_ashby]

"But you're not!" Lew insisted firmly, grabbing her by the shoulders and giving her a gentle shake. Maybe he'd rattle some of that sense loose, he knew it was in there somewhere. "Strong, intelligent, independent woman - remember? You have to burn it. If it's not this book, it'll just be another one trying to seduce you -- you know what a vile temptress that bookshelf can been -- and I won't always be there. You have to be able to defend yourself."

[vvdanicavv]

Danica nodded along, along to it all, thinking maybe she'd met the most remarkable man alive. Every word made sense, spoke to her on another level. Strong, intelligent, independent wom-- "Wait, what? You won't always be here?" Her voice squeaked, needy hands grabbing onto his clothes. "Are you dumping me?" She didn't care if she sounded clingy, mostly because she was. Her bottom lip quivered. "I can't believe you're dumping me! We hoohoo'ed!" He tricked her into hoohooing with him!

[thegreat_ashby]

"There. I won't always be there, by the bookshelf, to protect you from it." He had a life. And apparently a relationship he had no idea existed? Well, one outside of his relationship with God. "I didn't know that we were an item, so I can't dump you!"

[vvdanicavv]

Well, there was logic that stumped poor Danica's weak female mind. It was strange; up until this morning she hadn't given Lew much thought but suddenly it seemed important, imperative even, that she was in a loving, stable relationship if she was going to indulge in the more sexual aspects of life.

"No you can't," she agreed, tears streaming down her face. "I don't just hoohoo willy nilly, you know!" Just as soon as she'd started crying, she stopped, grabbing at him again eagerly, no sense of personal space. "Let's make a baby!" Like it was the most wonderful idea in the world.

[thegreat_ashby]

"Good! Neither do I. Not... anymore, I mean. No more willy nilly hoohooing." It was all part of the whole turning over a new leaf thing. A pure leaf. Totally sin free. The old Ashby was history. Did she just say baby?

"HERE?!" he squeaked. "Now?! We're standing in The House That SIN Built and there's not enough of that going on so you want to add public sex?!" No child of his would be conceived in this den of iniquity!

[vvdanicavv]

Danica didn't need the reassurances, she was far too trusting now, making up for all those years spent with a suspicious eye over her shoulder.

"No, silly," she laughed, rubbing a comforting hand on his chest to calm him down. She wondered if maybe he'd let her burp him, just once, for practise. "Umm, my brother still has his boat." She crossed her legs like an awkward Catholic school girl, peering up through her eyelashes.

[thegreat_ashby]

"Shouldn't we start off, um," he swallowed around the lump in his throat, glancing down at her hand and then back up again, "small? Like with a gold fish? Possibly a pill bug?"

[vvdanicavv]

Could she breast feed a pill bug? Could she clothe and walk and teach a goldfish to read? Could she sing them songs and take them to the park and throw them birthday parties with lots of homemade cake? No. With her newfound clumsiness she'd probably just sit on their makeshift baby. By accident, of course.

"We were put on this planet to reproduce, Lew." Her voice was soft yet persuasive, loaded with emotion. "That's God's plan. Don't you see it? Don't you feel God's plan?" She tapped his chest where his heart would be. "Besides, I can't be the only one at the mother's group with a pill bug for a baby!"

[thegreat_ashby]

"God's plan? When I found you, you were dancing on a tabletop. What part of His plan was that listed under?" It was clear that she was easily swayed to the dark side. Lew really wasn't sure if he could successfully raise a baby with someone who succumbed so easily to temptation. What if their child inherited that? "We're not married, your brother hates me. You add all that up and I'm not sure it would make for a suitable environment for a baby."