Colbert on the Ert
Ah, Thursday night. Stephen lived for Thursday nights now. He sat, most certainly not thinking of Other Things, and went to start the show.
“Hello, Island Nation. You’ll have to forgive me; I’m a little distracted today. Ordinarily I would tell you why, but...
Let’s just move on.
I am in the running for Island Council, and I urge you all to vote for me! More on this story as it unfolds.
Thank you to everyone who came to the wedding I put on recently. Even though no one brought gifts, I’m sure Onyx and ...Chloe appreciated your presence.
Segueing nicely, my guest tonight was the minister to perform the wedding ceremony. I’ll ask him what it’s like to help lonely dogs get into Heaven.
Stephen: Thank you for joining me today, Mr Tribbiani.
Joey: [leans into microphone and puts on a deep television voice] And thank you for inviting me to join you again, Mr Stephen. It's been a pleasure.
Stephen: It's been three seconds.
Joey: Three seconds of unimaginable splendoooooor. [lowers his voice and leans over to Stephen] Dude, hype it up a little. Can't use this face to pull in the audience over the radio, so come on, give me something to work with here! [back to the microphone] The last second esssspeciallly. How was it for you, Stevie?
Stephen: ...Don't call me that. And look, I ask the questions around here. [pause, thinking] When did you decide to become a minister?
Joey: You're right, Stephen, I do have a blockbuster coming out Memorial Day Weekend 2002 which I'm starring in. It's called Over There and it's a World War Eye epic and it'll be coming to a theater near youuuu.
Stephen: That has nothing to do with being a minister--are you even a minister at all?! Were you lying? Lying under the eyes of God about God?
Joey: [startled] What? No! No. I'm an internet minister, I got ordained on the 'net. My best friends were getting married and kept getting spit on and I'm not gay or a spitter and I really wanted to be the one to marry them. So I ministerized myself. For them.
Stephen: Oh, oh I see. So now any average Joe - pun not intended - can become a man of the cloth. That's great, that's really--do you even believe in God?!
Joey: Well, sure. Sometimes. I mean, I pray a lot. Uh... Thank God.... Oh MY God. God is in the...[pause]...food. Y'know, like any other minister. And don't underestimate the process. Those internet guys asked a lotta tough questions.
Stephen: [condescending laugh] Sir, I highly doubt that the process is harder than the real thing. There is, after all, the rule of abstinance.
Joey: Hey, I abstinence all the time. And on Sundays, I don't work. You wanna know why? Because it's God day. So I do like him and watch TV.
Stephen: Really. You don't have sex?
Joey: Of course I have sex. I'm not Chandler. [shout-out] Hey Chandler! Mon! Pheebs! Rachel! Ross! Miss you guys.
Stephen: I don't think they can hear you.
Joey: [louder] CHAN --
Stephen: Anyway, so you don't practise abstinence.
Stephen: NAILED!
Joey: You know, I don't really know what abstinence means but I do know whatever it is I probably wouldn't have to practise it. Sex comes real easy to me, we're like that. But I get...[gestures to Stephen]
Stephen: You know, I'm not a fan of books, but for you, I would make an exception. Find a dictionary, sir.
Stephen: Moving on, what are your future plans on the island?
Joey: Oh, uh. [clears his throat] Well, I drew a picture of myself and sent my resume into that director so I'm hoping to hear back from him sometime. I really want a part in that play.
Joey: Do you wanna read lines with me later? I got the script, look [rustling paper] Asher won't be Juliet but he said you might fit the bill... So?
Stephen: You know, that's flattering, but I'm afraid I'm busy. Got a show and all, you know how it is. But hey, good luck.
Joey: Can I borrow your dog?
Stephen: [pause] You can have the dog for all I care.
Joey: Really? That's the nicest thing anybody's done for me since I got here. Oh [chokes up] my God. You know, you're a real friend, Stephen. Thanks. Yasmine's got a new sister!
Stephen: ...Okay, I think we're out of time.
Joey: Oh oh, okay, can I just say something?
Stephen: I suppose so...
Joey: [into the mic] Ladies and gentlemen, though he might not have the face for television--
(Stephen: I HAVE A TV SHOW!)
Joey: --I'd just like to say that I'd be happy to act alongside this man here, Stephen Colrawr, because he truly is the nicest person I've ever met. Except for the kid who cried at the wedding, he's pretty cool. But he hasn't given me a dog. Anyway, I'd like you all to join me in a round of applause for Stephen Colrawr! [applauds enthusiastically] Yeah! Yeah! Memorial Day Weekend 2002!
Joey: Oh and one more thing. This time just for the ladies [long pause] ...........How you d---
[quite a long pause, mostly silent]
Well, folks, I’m afraid that Mr Tribbiani had to leave in a hurry. I thank him for finding the time to join me this evening. Good night.”
After Stephen shut off the equipment he sat there for a moment, head in his hands. God, but he could not stand Joey. Never again would he resort to having that guy on his show. His show was for serious discussions, not... Joey.
(open post if you want it. Oh, and Mr Halpert? You’re next on the guest list. ;D)
“Hello, Island Nation. You’ll have to forgive me; I’m a little distracted today. Ordinarily I would tell you why, but...
Let’s just move on.
I am in the running for Island Council, and I urge you all to vote for me! More on this story as it unfolds.
Thank you to everyone who came to the wedding I put on recently. Even though no one brought gifts, I’m sure Onyx and ...Chloe appreciated your presence.
Segueing nicely, my guest tonight was the minister to perform the wedding ceremony. I’ll ask him what it’s like to help lonely dogs get into Heaven.
Stephen: Thank you for joining me today, Mr Tribbiani.
Joey: [leans into microphone and puts on a deep television voice] And thank you for inviting me to join you again, Mr Stephen. It's been a pleasure.
Stephen: It's been three seconds.
Joey: Three seconds of unimaginable splendoooooor. [lowers his voice and leans over to Stephen] Dude, hype it up a little. Can't use this face to pull in the audience over the radio, so come on, give me something to work with here! [back to the microphone] The last second esssspeciallly. How was it for you, Stevie?
Stephen: ...Don't call me that. And look, I ask the questions around here. [pause, thinking] When did you decide to become a minister?
Joey: You're right, Stephen, I do have a blockbuster coming out Memorial Day Weekend 2002 which I'm starring in. It's called Over There and it's a World War Eye epic and it'll be coming to a theater near youuuu.
Stephen: That has nothing to do with being a minister--are you even a minister at all?! Were you lying? Lying under the eyes of God about God?
Joey: [startled] What? No! No. I'm an internet minister, I got ordained on the 'net. My best friends were getting married and kept getting spit on and I'm not gay or a spitter and I really wanted to be the one to marry them. So I ministerized myself. For them.
Stephen: Oh, oh I see. So now any average Joe - pun not intended - can become a man of the cloth. That's great, that's really--do you even believe in God?!
Joey: Well, sure. Sometimes. I mean, I pray a lot. Uh... Thank God.... Oh MY God. God is in the...[pause]...food. Y'know, like any other minister. And don't underestimate the process. Those internet guys asked a lotta tough questions.
Stephen: [condescending laugh] Sir, I highly doubt that the process is harder than the real thing. There is, after all, the rule of abstinance.
Joey: Hey, I abstinence all the time. And on Sundays, I don't work. You wanna know why? Because it's God day. So I do like him and watch TV.
Stephen: Really. You don't have sex?
Joey: Of course I have sex. I'm not Chandler. [shout-out] Hey Chandler! Mon! Pheebs! Rachel! Ross! Miss you guys.
Stephen: I don't think they can hear you.
Joey: [louder] CHAN --
Stephen: Anyway, so you don't practise abstinence.
Stephen: NAILED!
Joey: You know, I don't really know what abstinence means but I do know whatever it is I probably wouldn't have to practise it. Sex comes real easy to me, we're like that. But I get...[gestures to Stephen]
Stephen: You know, I'm not a fan of books, but for you, I would make an exception. Find a dictionary, sir.
Stephen: Moving on, what are your future plans on the island?
Joey: Oh, uh. [clears his throat] Well, I drew a picture of myself and sent my resume into that director so I'm hoping to hear back from him sometime. I really want a part in that play.
Joey: Do you wanna read lines with me later? I got the script, look [rustling paper] Asher won't be Juliet but he said you might fit the bill... So?
Stephen: You know, that's flattering, but I'm afraid I'm busy. Got a show and all, you know how it is. But hey, good luck.
Joey: Can I borrow your dog?
Stephen: [pause] You can have the dog for all I care.
Joey: Really? That's the nicest thing anybody's done for me since I got here. Oh [chokes up] my God. You know, you're a real friend, Stephen. Thanks. Yasmine's got a new sister!
Stephen: ...Okay, I think we're out of time.
Joey: Oh oh, okay, can I just say something?
Stephen: I suppose so...
Joey: [into the mic] Ladies and gentlemen, though he might not have the face for television--
(Stephen: I HAVE A TV SHOW!)
Joey: --I'd just like to say that I'd be happy to act alongside this man here, Stephen Colrawr, because he truly is the nicest person I've ever met. Except for the kid who cried at the wedding, he's pretty cool. But he hasn't given me a dog. Anyway, I'd like you all to join me in a round of applause for Stephen Colrawr! [applauds enthusiastically] Yeah! Yeah! Memorial Day Weekend 2002!
Joey: Oh and one more thing. This time just for the ladies [long pause] ...........How you d---
[quite a long pause, mostly silent]
Well, folks, I’m afraid that Mr Tribbiani had to leave in a hurry. I thank him for finding the time to join me this evening. Good night.”
After Stephen shut off the equipment he sat there for a moment, head in his hands. God, but he could not stand Joey. Never again would he resort to having that guy on his show. His show was for serious discussions, not... Joey.
(open post if you want it. Oh, and Mr Halpert? You’re next on the guest list. ;D)