(no subject)
YEAY!! MEGADETH IS TOURING WITH NEVERMORE AND FEAR FACTORY!! LYNYRD SKYNYRD IS TOURING! TESTAMENT IS RUMORED TO START A NA TOUR IN THE FALL! I'M GOING TO METAL FEST! I'M GOING TO OZZFEST! I'VE BEEN TO SUBLIMINAL VERSES! THIS PROVES TO BE AN EXCITED CONCERT YEAR! AHAHAHAHAHA!
Anyhow...i feel kind of strange lately. Weirdly because I feel pretty happy lately, which isn't normal. I mean it is actually because I've felt random happiness through out the months and it always ends up going into sadness again with the snap of the finger, but it doesn't seem that way. No. No not at all. I mean aside from my random drunkenly created sadness last night that didn't seem to make even any sense to me, I simply feel good.
The transition from Cali trip back to Massness is still kind of stuck if that means anything. I still go outside to smoke (rule for the bus and motels), and my eating habits are still quite fucked. As for the time thing...don't get me started on the time thing. I'm sitting down thinking it's noon and when i look at the clock it's like 5. GAH! Aside from that I half expect to see a palm tree or a star bucks around the next corner. Negative. Not here. At least the wheather here is improving. last couple of days we reached 55ish-60 which is good. Gives us all the chance to get the hell out of these houses and do outside shit. In any case, I don't think I'll be returning to Cali for any reason until the summer...unless i randomly decide to pack up and move to the aunts or unless I'm invited to something in one way shape or form.
I'm worried about my great grandmother though. Mama is slowly losing her mind. It sucks, but after 6 months of killing myself over this the sadness has been beat. Let's face it. This is something that I've known would happen since I was 13. Mama is old. She's going to die soon. It's unfourtiante but it's life so I deal.
I've been contemplating something for the past couple days. I hate medication. I really do. It was forced upon me since I was 5 from doctors and parentals, and once I hit 18 I said "fuck you" and threw the prozac, lith, Zyprexa, depekote, addy all out the window. Too much shit. Yet it's weird and starting to confuse me because I'm actually thinking of VOLUNTEERING to go back on Zy. I mean i know I have to control a lot of things in my head because sometimes I lose my emotions and such due to my problems and I cause more problems that simply shouldn't be caused. At the same time I've been suggesting it to people that suffer from the same things I do. I never used to do that. It's strange. Then again I'm the kind of person that will only go through that if it's a last resort. I pride myself on practicing self control...even if I'm not good at it. So I think I'll take more time to find other things to ease myself besides pills. Like walks. Journals. Video games. And my close friends. In any case, if anyone has ever thought about it and wants to know how to deal with that kind of stuff I'm always open to conversation. Zyprexa isn't even that bad really come to think of it.
Hmmmmmmmm.........mom bought cup cakes. time to leave.
Anyhow...i feel kind of strange lately. Weirdly because I feel pretty happy lately, which isn't normal. I mean it is actually because I've felt random happiness through out the months and it always ends up going into sadness again with the snap of the finger, but it doesn't seem that way. No. No not at all. I mean aside from my random drunkenly created sadness last night that didn't seem to make even any sense to me, I simply feel good.
The transition from Cali trip back to Massness is still kind of stuck if that means anything. I still go outside to smoke (rule for the bus and motels), and my eating habits are still quite fucked. As for the time thing...don't get me started on the time thing. I'm sitting down thinking it's noon and when i look at the clock it's like 5. GAH! Aside from that I half expect to see a palm tree or a star bucks around the next corner. Negative. Not here. At least the wheather here is improving. last couple of days we reached 55ish-60 which is good. Gives us all the chance to get the hell out of these houses and do outside shit. In any case, I don't think I'll be returning to Cali for any reason until the summer...unless i randomly decide to pack up and move to the aunts or unless I'm invited to something in one way shape or form.
I'm worried about my great grandmother though. Mama is slowly losing her mind. It sucks, but after 6 months of killing myself over this the sadness has been beat. Let's face it. This is something that I've known would happen since I was 13. Mama is old. She's going to die soon. It's unfourtiante but it's life so I deal.
I've been contemplating something for the past couple days. I hate medication. I really do. It was forced upon me since I was 5 from doctors and parentals, and once I hit 18 I said "fuck you" and threw the prozac, lith, Zyprexa, depekote, addy all out the window. Too much shit. Yet it's weird and starting to confuse me because I'm actually thinking of VOLUNTEERING to go back on Zy. I mean i know I have to control a lot of things in my head because sometimes I lose my emotions and such due to my problems and I cause more problems that simply shouldn't be caused. At the same time I've been suggesting it to people that suffer from the same things I do. I never used to do that. It's strange. Then again I'm the kind of person that will only go through that if it's a last resort. I pride myself on practicing self control...even if I'm not good at it. So I think I'll take more time to find other things to ease myself besides pills. Like walks. Journals. Video games. And my close friends. In any case, if anyone has ever thought about it and wants to know how to deal with that kind of stuff I'm always open to conversation. Zyprexa isn't even that bad really come to think of it.
Hmmmmmmmm.........mom bought cup cakes. time to leave.