(no subject)

[the__turtle]

i hate examining my life because i know i will always find things that i choose not to see. like for one, how me and briana dont really even talk anymore...or here's another- how i always seem to get hurt with one thing or another. so im going to be completley honest right now and from here on out. sorry if it hurts anyone but im sick of pretending and stuff. briana-we have both changed so much since last year. last year at the end of the year and over summer im pretty sure we were inseparable. we were so alike in every aspect. i think we were the nicest girls ever too..we hardly ever said anything negative to each other...we kept each other's secrets, borrowed each other's crap, talked about EVERYTHING, had sleepovers, shopped, laughed with each other, cried with each other(more than normal people would do.. lol), we really never used to fight either. then boom! everything changed..and i dont want to say its because you went to chandler or antyhing like that..but thats when i feel like we separated a little bit. i really dindt understand why you went there...idk but when you did i was ilke so upset we hardly talked. and thats when i got super close with tim. and thigns were okay with sean agian then too. and then you came back..and i honestly feel like when you came back you were an entirely different girl. i know i was way different too when you came back probbaly as well because i had been hangning out with a boy now. idk everything was just different. i had gotten closer with ryan more than ever because i dindt know where else to turn... idk i felt like the only place i saw you was at church..and even there where i should have felt entirely close to you i still felt like there was a wall between us. and then someone said maybe your part of briana's life was to bring her back to church, lawren like ryan did to you. and i was like...uhh no bri and i were supposed to be best friends. we were like freaking twins bri! ppl seriously used to call me briana and you lawren ..wtf lol. idk...i just miss last year so much..sitting in biology with you at the lab stations drawing all over our worksheets and talking about how dramatic our guy friends were...i miss eating noodles with you every single sleep over we had and putting cherry juice on my popcorn. i miss when we didnt say negative shit to each other. it seems like now every effing word that comes from our mouth to each other is so sarcastic and mean i cant take it. im not goign to lie to you. i feel like you have gotten meaner. im definately not saying its a bad thing briana because ppl do need to toughen up to survive...i know i did..i know i got meaner as well...i just wish we didnt toughen up to each other you know? i wish we werent mean to each other and yeah i knwo you are joking around when you say stuff..but bri we are the same we both get our feelings hurt over stupid stuff..im different in the sense that yeah..now im dating sean kenny..the boy we talked about last year for endless hours..and you two DONT get along i can tell. ifdk aksldjf;lakjdsf;lajsdf;lajsd;lf omg i really dont know how to say this to you without sounding so bitchy but idc. im going to....briana you were never as outgoign as you are now .last year you wouldnt be caught dead screaming out in class and stuff....idk i blame myself for that one lol because i have always been a loud mouth in class. so sorry bout that. idk i just wish i didnt rub off on you so much...youve rubbed off on me too though so its like the same from both ends i guess? idk if that made any sense but i tried. idk if we can even fix things now that all of this has been said. i know we have said that we would try and everything..but really what have we accomplished bri? nothing. we still have not hung out in over three months. ...so pretty much i think we need to examine ourselves briana. both of us. we need to figure out who we really are and who we want to be and see if we are really even compatible with one another..we need to see if how we were last year is our true selves or if what we have become this year is really us. because if it is idk how we are going to work out as beign as close as we were. we will always have a bond because fortunately the Lord is just flipping sweet like that and will always be sisters in Christ but like...earthly wise..we need to reconsider evertying. or maybe not reconsider but actually take everything into account right now. we need to completely lay ourselvers out on a table and study it. and yeah it may take a heck of a lot of praying but its goign to be worth it because i think something will actually findally be done. im sick of beating around the bush with you. i cant stand being in a tepid state where everything is so undecided. i think its fair to say we have both gotten really hurt because of this whole ordeal and i think its true when i say we are both sick of it. i know i am and im pretty positive you are too. im sick of not having a girl-friend its pathetic. idk who you want to be briana...is it the briana that never says one mean thing and is considered a complete sweetheart or is briana who constantly has her nose in a book or is it briana who dances all the time idk which it is. ..lets jsut figure it out for both our sake. i think i just wrote a lot im sorry. tim-i think your the coolest asian ever. i just have such a hard time putting up with your mood swings....i mean yeah i have them too but i try not to take them out on my close friends..i feel like every other day we get a fight about something completely retarded and im so tired of it. you have been by my side through a lot..i mean you and briana were the ones i ran to wehn i had problems with ryan the entriely time i dated him...i ran to you when sean and jared decided to hate me last year, i ran to you wehn i just really needed someone to talk to me. no one understands us...like...ppl say they do but no one knows tim. i mean we got so close when it was just me and you in the beggining of the year.you make me laugh so much i seriously think you are the funniest person i know..but neways, you never saw tim without lawren. you never saw lawren without tim. i think thats why we're prone to fight so mcuh. but u know what...thats really no excuse. we shouldnt have to go thru that crap just cuz we're close. tim you are a really dedicated person and yes i admire you for that, but i have this complex that you try to compete with me...thats one thing that is irritating because tim im not in this for a competition. im in it for a long lasting freindship. all i want is to have you as my friend like you have been. there is no need for either of us to get hurt. antiblawtimorean! :) sean- im like so grateful for you. not just because your a cute boyfriend lol but because your an awesome friend. im so glad we were friends before we started going out. you were seriously someone i looked up to last year. your morals are amazing. idk sometimes i dont think you realize how attatched i got to you last year. you were my big brother who was constatnly looking out for me and i just honestly loved you for that. then when i pretty much got left in the dust when we didnt talk for so long guess who i ran to and guess who was there for me...briana and timothy. thats why i put up with the stuff i do.thats why i fight to stay friends with them. they stayed by my side through a time that was really hard for me. i lost an older brother who i honestly looked up to sooo much. im not putting you on a guilt trip thats the last thing i want you to think but i just want you to know the reason why i hang on to them so much. i just want to be the friend to them as they were to me you know? i know your situation and the reason why you did that last year so im not mad about that at all i mean we have alreayd talked about it i just had to bring it up so you knew the reason. but on the brighter side im really glad we're together, and also, i will never stop being your lil sis who looks up to you for everything she does. i will always and forever be here for you<333 amanda-i think your such a sweetheart. im glad we have been talking more and more. i know we talked last year but it was mainly on the computer we never really hung out or anything. im really excited about doing teen council with you in august! i think you have the biggest heart ever and i just love it when you smile cuz its like so contageous lol Val and the girls at the lunch table- yeah yeah you probably wont read this lol but im getting things off my chest. i dont hate any one of you. i actally really enjoyed eating lunch with you guys when i did..it was nice being around girls for a change when briana was not in school. i actally appreciate you guys being my friend for that matter. sorry if i ever said antying to hurt any of you.

omgsh i feel so much better right now. but knowing my luck one of you guys will get pissed off from what i said and then its going to go to the crap hole so i guess i should enjoy this feeling while it lasts.
love always,
Lawren