It's official. I'm insane. Seriously, wth?
*omgheaddesk*
Title: The Sad Footnote
Warnings: implied molestation, implied sex, hints of SasuNaru and implied OroSasu, implied violence, zomgcrack.
Note: Inspired from The Flying Car sketch by Kevin Smith.
~ * ~
Sasuke snuck into Konoha late, two weeks after he left. His departure still echoed in his mind, turning his back on his friends, teachers and the village that had nurtured him from a small, pale child to a hard-eyed youth.
"Sasuke... what?" he heard, and mentally, cringed. It was Naruto, his best and closest friend. "You're back already? I thought it would be years. Ero-Sennin said..." Naruto shook his head mentally. "I mean, it's great! You're back."
Sasuke looked away. He couldn't face his friend. Not after everything he'd done.
"Sasuke... c'mon," Naruto said, reaching out to tug on his friend's sleeve. "Did something else happen? Something bad?" The spot Sasuke had driven the Chidori through ached slightly, reminding him that Sasuke's departure had been pretty bad to begin with.
"It's hard to talk about," Sasuke muttered. It dawned on the pale ninja that Naruto, as accepting and understanding as he was, might understand why Sasuke had left... the *real* reason why Sasuke had left. "Let's go... somewhere."
"I know a good place," Naruto exclaimed, grabbing Sasuke by the wrist. Naruto was absolutely elated. Sasuke was *back*! Anything that Sasuke needed to tell him was welcome compared to the years he'd thought he needed to wait before seeing his best friend again.
Naruto led Sasuke to his favorite thinking spot, on the roof of a low building. Sitting down comfortably, he gestured for Sasuke to sit. The pale ninja did so, trying to collect his thoughts, to explain away every terrible thing he'd done to Naruto.
You carry the Uchiha curse within you, Itachi had said to him, so long ago, when he'd gone through their family like a terrible god, striking down every last Uchiha, or every last one, with one exception: his small brother, Sasuke. You must live, live with hate and cowardice, until one day, you seek me out to right the terrible wrong our family has perpetuated for generations. Grow strong, little brother, because all I see in your future is pain.
"I told you, when we started training, that I wanted to kill a certain person," Sasuke began slowly. "Do you remember?"
"Yeah, that scary bastard, Itachi," Naruto agreed. "He wanted me for... to..." Naruto didn't want to say it outloud. For the demon in me.
Sasuke shook his head. "Itachi was always smarter than me, better in every way. There was something, though, that I could do, and he couldn't. That's why he left me alive."
You're smart too, Sasuke, Naruto thought, nodding his understanding. Smarter than Itachi, because you didn't murder your family, even though it made you almost as crazy as him. "What was it?"
Sasuke sighed, staring at his hands a moment. "A long time ago, a mighty prophet came to our clan, telling us the future of Konoha. He said that Konoha had a great destiny, and that it would be our clan to usher in the great era. People in the clan were afraid of what we had to do, so we tried to hide the prophecy. My brother, though, knew. He hated the family for trying to protect us, and for holding back all of Konoha. He said that I would know what I had to do when the time came." Sasuke looked away from Naruto's earnest, understanding gaze. "I wasn't supposed to make friends, like you or Sakura or Kakashi. I wasn't supposed to have all those people chase after me, trying to bring me home."
"We couldn't just let you go, Sasuke," Naruto argued. "No person is all by himself, I mean, even if you don't talk to some people a lot, you're still *there*, in their lives, making things different. Plus, I think destiny is kinda stupid, isn't it? Everything set out for you, and you don't get to make any choices? That seems dumb. That's why I slugged Neji so hard." Naruto grinned. "I knocked the destiny right out of him." He clapped Sasuke on the back. "Now, what kind of destiny sent you off to ol' Snakebreath?"
Sasuke winced at the nickname Naruto had chosen for Orochimaru. He didn't know what a snake's breath smelled like, but he didn't imagine it smelled like oreos and milk, like the Sannin's did. "The prophet promised that we would have a certain device, capable of transporting people through the air, like birds. It would make travelling from country to country a lot faster and safer. Who knows, maybe ninja wouldn't be needed to escort people places? The secret of that device has sent all kinds of people to the ends of the earth to find it. Orochimaru spent years trying to find it."
"I thought he was looking for jutsu," Naruto frowned. "And he made himself immortal so he'd have enough time to find them all."
Sasuke waved dismissively. "That's what he told the Hokage and Jiraya so they'd stop raiding his room for porn. The only jutsu Orochimaru looked into was how to do weird things with his tongue."
"Creepy, but understandable," Naruto said wisely, thinking of the jutsu he'd created. "Go on."
"The secret of this device was only to be divulged to members of my clan, and that means only Itachi and I could do it. Itachi had already refused, so it was left to me." Sasuke took a deep breath. "So, I went to Orochimaru like that, so I could hear what he wanted for the device." Sasuke shivered, remembering. Naruto put a hand on his shoulder.
"It's ok, I'm here," Naruto said comfortingly. Sasuke smiled faintly at his friend.
"He told me that what he wanted was a substantial portion of my tissue. For research. He wanted to cut off my foot... with a hacksaw."
"Your foot..?" Naruto exclaimed. "Well, I guess if you had that flying device, you wouldn't have to walk, and I guess a medical-nin could fix your foot. I see people wandering around here with missing fingers, toes, eyes... Ibiki's head looks like Asuma's ashtray."
"That's what I managed to convince myself of, that with the device it wouldn't matter if I could walk, even if it would make being a member of ANBU very hard, having only one foot. So, I agreed to trade my left foot for the device. Then, he told me that no sleeping techniques or anasthetic would be used until after the operation."
"I knew it was psycho, but that's a little much," Naruto said. "You wanted the sleep stuff after the operation though, right?"
"I did... at first," Sasuke continued. "Then, Kabuto let it slip that the reason Orochimaru uses anasthetic is so that he can..." Admitting it was painful. "Molest me."
Naruto nearly fell off the roof. "I *knew* it! Sasuke, you didn't--"
"Kabuto told me I'd be a homophobe if I didn't go through with it. Then, he bragged that all of his research partners would get a chance at me." Sasuke shuddered. "I'm not-- I don't hate gay people, but it's not the same as if I'd wanted to do it. Besides, Kabuto likes knifes. A *lot*."
"So you left?" Naruto asked. "Oro-perv wanted to hack off your foot, then knock you out so he and his friends could play the ponies, all so you could get a flying car?!" he cried, after working through the whole explanation.
"Yeah..." Sasuke muttered. He'll hate me, I know he will. Itachi said I would be the sad litle footnote in the history of Konoha. He heard an angry feminine sounding squawk from down below.
"Sasuke?" Naruto asked after a moment.
"Yeah?" Sasuke asked warily.
"What's a car?" Naruto asked. "I've never seen one."
"Uhh..."
"Naruto, how many times do I have to *tell* you, don't sit on my roof and then start yell--" Sakura yelled, stomping around the front of the house to look up at them. "Sasuke! You're back!"
Sasuke jumped down, so Sakura could launch herself towards him in a joyous hug. He smiled at his pink-haired friend. It *was* nice to see her again. Naruto, however, was gone. By morning, everyone will know. I'm doomed.
End.
Title: The Difference Between Right And Wrong
Warnings: Masturbation, zomgcrack, cheap joke.
Summary: His mother had always told him that if he kept doing it, he'd go blind...
Note: Am I the only one who thought of this, the second they talk about "if Itachi uses it too much, he'll go blind"? Maybe I'm just a pervert, But, I'm *your* pervert. *beams*
~ * ~
His mother had always told him if he did "it" too much, he'd go blind. Itachi had always been a serious child. Who wouldn't be, as the son of the head of ANBU, Konoha's secret police, born strongly resembling that man, complete with premature wrinkles of concern.
At first, he'd been fine. He'd excelled at all kinds of things: school, ninja skills, the family's 'secrets'. Then, almost as if overnight, his body had begun to change. His voice began to squeal and squeak like his baby brother's. His body started growing hair in weird places. He couldn't ask his parents questions about it, they wouldn't understand. No one understood a young teenage boy. How could they?
Instead, he'd avoided his little brother, who constantly asked for help with things like shiruken training, in favor of locking himself in his room, doing "it". When he thought of certain people, like his best friend, "that place" would begin to twitch. The longer he thought about it, the more "that place" would twitch, demanding attention in a manner that was more nagging that anything his brother could accomplish. Meditation would not help, and there was only so much ice-cold water he could stand. After all, he wasn't a frigid Hyuuga.
So, he would do "it". His mother was really beginning to get annoyed, when first her best tea towels disappeared without a trace, then, more and more socks. Really, the fireball technique that Uchihas excelled at was useful for more than just combat. Ashes were so much easier to hide.
It took a while, but Itachi realized that no one, not in his entire clan, could understand him. His best friend did *not* like the idea of Itachi doing "it" every time he thought of him. His little brother had the misfortune of looking like his mother, so he could be mistaken still for a girl under the right circumstances. His father... his father greatly disapproved of "it". He said that "it" was a waste of time and effort, time better spent towards Itachi's duties in ANBU.
Itachi had a plan to fix that, though. As long as he didn't go blind, like his mother had told him. Surely, though, doing "it" wouldn't make him lose his vision, only age could do that.
Couldn't it?
End.
Title: The Sad Footnote
Warnings: implied molestation, implied sex, hints of SasuNaru and implied OroSasu, implied violence, zomgcrack.
Note: Inspired from The Flying Car sketch by Kevin Smith.
~ * ~
Sasuke snuck into Konoha late, two weeks after he left. His departure still echoed in his mind, turning his back on his friends, teachers and the village that had nurtured him from a small, pale child to a hard-eyed youth.
"Sasuke... what?" he heard, and mentally, cringed. It was Naruto, his best and closest friend. "You're back already? I thought it would be years. Ero-Sennin said..." Naruto shook his head mentally. "I mean, it's great! You're back."
Sasuke looked away. He couldn't face his friend. Not after everything he'd done.
"Sasuke... c'mon," Naruto said, reaching out to tug on his friend's sleeve. "Did something else happen? Something bad?" The spot Sasuke had driven the Chidori through ached slightly, reminding him that Sasuke's departure had been pretty bad to begin with.
"It's hard to talk about," Sasuke muttered. It dawned on the pale ninja that Naruto, as accepting and understanding as he was, might understand why Sasuke had left... the *real* reason why Sasuke had left. "Let's go... somewhere."
"I know a good place," Naruto exclaimed, grabbing Sasuke by the wrist. Naruto was absolutely elated. Sasuke was *back*! Anything that Sasuke needed to tell him was welcome compared to the years he'd thought he needed to wait before seeing his best friend again.
Naruto led Sasuke to his favorite thinking spot, on the roof of a low building. Sitting down comfortably, he gestured for Sasuke to sit. The pale ninja did so, trying to collect his thoughts, to explain away every terrible thing he'd done to Naruto.
You carry the Uchiha curse within you, Itachi had said to him, so long ago, when he'd gone through their family like a terrible god, striking down every last Uchiha, or every last one, with one exception: his small brother, Sasuke. You must live, live with hate and cowardice, until one day, you seek me out to right the terrible wrong our family has perpetuated for generations. Grow strong, little brother, because all I see in your future is pain.
"I told you, when we started training, that I wanted to kill a certain person," Sasuke began slowly. "Do you remember?"
"Yeah, that scary bastard, Itachi," Naruto agreed. "He wanted me for... to..." Naruto didn't want to say it outloud. For the demon in me.
Sasuke shook his head. "Itachi was always smarter than me, better in every way. There was something, though, that I could do, and he couldn't. That's why he left me alive."
You're smart too, Sasuke, Naruto thought, nodding his understanding. Smarter than Itachi, because you didn't murder your family, even though it made you almost as crazy as him. "What was it?"
Sasuke sighed, staring at his hands a moment. "A long time ago, a mighty prophet came to our clan, telling us the future of Konoha. He said that Konoha had a great destiny, and that it would be our clan to usher in the great era. People in the clan were afraid of what we had to do, so we tried to hide the prophecy. My brother, though, knew. He hated the family for trying to protect us, and for holding back all of Konoha. He said that I would know what I had to do when the time came." Sasuke looked away from Naruto's earnest, understanding gaze. "I wasn't supposed to make friends, like you or Sakura or Kakashi. I wasn't supposed to have all those people chase after me, trying to bring me home."
"We couldn't just let you go, Sasuke," Naruto argued. "No person is all by himself, I mean, even if you don't talk to some people a lot, you're still *there*, in their lives, making things different. Plus, I think destiny is kinda stupid, isn't it? Everything set out for you, and you don't get to make any choices? That seems dumb. That's why I slugged Neji so hard." Naruto grinned. "I knocked the destiny right out of him." He clapped Sasuke on the back. "Now, what kind of destiny sent you off to ol' Snakebreath?"
Sasuke winced at the nickname Naruto had chosen for Orochimaru. He didn't know what a snake's breath smelled like, but he didn't imagine it smelled like oreos and milk, like the Sannin's did. "The prophet promised that we would have a certain device, capable of transporting people through the air, like birds. It would make travelling from country to country a lot faster and safer. Who knows, maybe ninja wouldn't be needed to escort people places? The secret of that device has sent all kinds of people to the ends of the earth to find it. Orochimaru spent years trying to find it."
"I thought he was looking for jutsu," Naruto frowned. "And he made himself immortal so he'd have enough time to find them all."
Sasuke waved dismissively. "That's what he told the Hokage and Jiraya so they'd stop raiding his room for porn. The only jutsu Orochimaru looked into was how to do weird things with his tongue."
"Creepy, but understandable," Naruto said wisely, thinking of the jutsu he'd created. "Go on."
"The secret of this device was only to be divulged to members of my clan, and that means only Itachi and I could do it. Itachi had already refused, so it was left to me." Sasuke took a deep breath. "So, I went to Orochimaru like that, so I could hear what he wanted for the device." Sasuke shivered, remembering. Naruto put a hand on his shoulder.
"It's ok, I'm here," Naruto said comfortingly. Sasuke smiled faintly at his friend.
"He told me that what he wanted was a substantial portion of my tissue. For research. He wanted to cut off my foot... with a hacksaw."
"Your foot..?" Naruto exclaimed. "Well, I guess if you had that flying device, you wouldn't have to walk, and I guess a medical-nin could fix your foot. I see people wandering around here with missing fingers, toes, eyes... Ibiki's head looks like Asuma's ashtray."
"That's what I managed to convince myself of, that with the device it wouldn't matter if I could walk, even if it would make being a member of ANBU very hard, having only one foot. So, I agreed to trade my left foot for the device. Then, he told me that no sleeping techniques or anasthetic would be used until after the operation."
"I knew it was psycho, but that's a little much," Naruto said. "You wanted the sleep stuff after the operation though, right?"
"I did... at first," Sasuke continued. "Then, Kabuto let it slip that the reason Orochimaru uses anasthetic is so that he can..." Admitting it was painful. "Molest me."
Naruto nearly fell off the roof. "I *knew* it! Sasuke, you didn't--"
"Kabuto told me I'd be a homophobe if I didn't go through with it. Then, he bragged that all of his research partners would get a chance at me." Sasuke shuddered. "I'm not-- I don't hate gay people, but it's not the same as if I'd wanted to do it. Besides, Kabuto likes knifes. A *lot*."
"So you left?" Naruto asked. "Oro-perv wanted to hack off your foot, then knock you out so he and his friends could play the ponies, all so you could get a flying car?!" he cried, after working through the whole explanation.
"Yeah..." Sasuke muttered. He'll hate me, I know he will. Itachi said I would be the sad litle footnote in the history of Konoha. He heard an angry feminine sounding squawk from down below.
"Sasuke?" Naruto asked after a moment.
"Yeah?" Sasuke asked warily.
"What's a car?" Naruto asked. "I've never seen one."
"Uhh..."
"Naruto, how many times do I have to *tell* you, don't sit on my roof and then start yell--" Sakura yelled, stomping around the front of the house to look up at them. "Sasuke! You're back!"
Sasuke jumped down, so Sakura could launch herself towards him in a joyous hug. He smiled at his pink-haired friend. It *was* nice to see her again. Naruto, however, was gone. By morning, everyone will know. I'm doomed.
End.
Title: The Difference Between Right And Wrong
Warnings: Masturbation, zomgcrack, cheap joke.
Summary: His mother had always told him that if he kept doing it, he'd go blind...
Note: Am I the only one who thought of this, the second they talk about "if Itachi uses it too much, he'll go blind"? Maybe I'm just a pervert, But, I'm *your* pervert. *beams*
~ * ~
His mother had always told him if he did "it" too much, he'd go blind. Itachi had always been a serious child. Who wouldn't be, as the son of the head of ANBU, Konoha's secret police, born strongly resembling that man, complete with premature wrinkles of concern.
At first, he'd been fine. He'd excelled at all kinds of things: school, ninja skills, the family's 'secrets'. Then, almost as if overnight, his body had begun to change. His voice began to squeal and squeak like his baby brother's. His body started growing hair in weird places. He couldn't ask his parents questions about it, they wouldn't understand. No one understood a young teenage boy. How could they?
Instead, he'd avoided his little brother, who constantly asked for help with things like shiruken training, in favor of locking himself in his room, doing "it". When he thought of certain people, like his best friend, "that place" would begin to twitch. The longer he thought about it, the more "that place" would twitch, demanding attention in a manner that was more nagging that anything his brother could accomplish. Meditation would not help, and there was only so much ice-cold water he could stand. After all, he wasn't a frigid Hyuuga.
So, he would do "it". His mother was really beginning to get annoyed, when first her best tea towels disappeared without a trace, then, more and more socks. Really, the fireball technique that Uchihas excelled at was useful for more than just combat. Ashes were so much easier to hide.
It took a while, but Itachi realized that no one, not in his entire clan, could understand him. His best friend did *not* like the idea of Itachi doing "it" every time he thought of him. His little brother had the misfortune of looking like his mother, so he could be mistaken still for a girl under the right circumstances. His father... his father greatly disapproved of "it". He said that "it" was a waste of time and effort, time better spent towards Itachi's duties in ANBU.
Itachi had a plan to fix that, though. As long as he didn't go blind, like his mother had told him. Surely, though, doing "it" wouldn't make him lose his vision, only age could do that.
Couldn't it?
End.