(no subject)
Ok. This is my post apologizing for my last post which was nothing but a mix of intense emotions and heat. But I've never done well with heat. And I've never done well with memories. The problem is that, recently, when I think of things that have happened to me...I mean, when I am reminded of them, I get sick.
Like, litterally, I vomit when I am reminded of the past. I just get really dizzy and nauseated and I don't want to think about it and I throw up when I see or smell or hear something that truly reminds me of it.
But what's worse is that I used to be able to get through that by thinking about all the things I have to look forward to. Shows, and friendships...but those are changing now too. A lot. And I don't think for the better. And it makes me so sad. So, completely miserable, so lost, so left without a sense of self, doubting the only thing I ever had true faith in. And I break down and I cry and I can't even think about it.
So now neither the past nor the future holds any comfort. And all I have is now, this second, this instant. And I just want to say thank you to all of you who make each second ok. Make it better, make it great infact, so that I don't have to think about the past and I don't have to worry about the future.
and you know who you are.
and I love you so much for it. So so much.
The thing is, a lot of stuff is changing right now. People too. People who used to be, well, everything. And I'm using my fancy vocabulary and manipulations to make it seem like it's okay with me. But it's not. It's tearing me apart. I don't how anybody can look at the state of the friendships between us and be okay with it. We all used to love eachother so much. And now I feel like everyday is filled with new lies and new betrayal and new loyalties. And we all know about it. But no one is going to say anything.
Except me. Now. This...
and just want to say, that I'm sad. I miss the feeling of security, is all. Just, as of this very second I can't tell you how anything is going to be for me. This is my millionth year to go to the same camp with the same people, but I can't tell you if it's going to be ok. Because all my best friends and true loves are staff now. And this is something like my 15th plus show, and I can't tell you if I'm going to be comfortable at all. Comfortable in the place I've spent the last 7 years of my life growing up with. I don't know. And I can't even tell you if the people that I would do anything for are going to be able to understand this at all. Where it came from, why it would affect me so much.
I've had so few things that had never changed. And I don't know if you know what it feels like, but moving every four years. Having another family member move out annually, having new strange men in the house every week, losing everything you ever loved and trusted again and again. It hurts. And it makes you only believe in what you've had forever.
And now I don't know what I have. Or who I have. I've lost it all now, officially. I'm not sure about anything. I have no trust in anything. I don't even know why it's worth finding something to truly love and trust anymore...because as it's turned out, I'm destined to lose it.
Apologies for the second emo rant in a row. But I needed to get this off my chest. I promise it will be the last for a while.
Like, litterally, I vomit when I am reminded of the past. I just get really dizzy and nauseated and I don't want to think about it and I throw up when I see or smell or hear something that truly reminds me of it.
But what's worse is that I used to be able to get through that by thinking about all the things I have to look forward to. Shows, and friendships...but those are changing now too. A lot. And I don't think for the better. And it makes me so sad. So, completely miserable, so lost, so left without a sense of self, doubting the only thing I ever had true faith in. And I break down and I cry and I can't even think about it.
So now neither the past nor the future holds any comfort. And all I have is now, this second, this instant. And I just want to say thank you to all of you who make each second ok. Make it better, make it great infact, so that I don't have to think about the past and I don't have to worry about the future.
and you know who you are.
and I love you so much for it. So so much.
The thing is, a lot of stuff is changing right now. People too. People who used to be, well, everything. And I'm using my fancy vocabulary and manipulations to make it seem like it's okay with me. But it's not. It's tearing me apart. I don't how anybody can look at the state of the friendships between us and be okay with it. We all used to love eachother so much. And now I feel like everyday is filled with new lies and new betrayal and new loyalties. And we all know about it. But no one is going to say anything.
Except me. Now. This...
and just want to say, that I'm sad. I miss the feeling of security, is all. Just, as of this very second I can't tell you how anything is going to be for me. This is my millionth year to go to the same camp with the same people, but I can't tell you if it's going to be ok. Because all my best friends and true loves are staff now. And this is something like my 15th plus show, and I can't tell you if I'm going to be comfortable at all. Comfortable in the place I've spent the last 7 years of my life growing up with. I don't know. And I can't even tell you if the people that I would do anything for are going to be able to understand this at all. Where it came from, why it would affect me so much.
I've had so few things that had never changed. And I don't know if you know what it feels like, but moving every four years. Having another family member move out annually, having new strange men in the house every week, losing everything you ever loved and trusted again and again. It hurts. And it makes you only believe in what you've had forever.
And now I don't know what I have. Or who I have. I've lost it all now, officially. I'm not sure about anything. I have no trust in anything. I don't even know why it's worth finding something to truly love and trust anymore...because as it's turned out, I'm destined to lose it.
Apologies for the second emo rant in a row. But I needed to get this off my chest. I promise it will be the last for a while.