Love...and James
So I've been thinking. About the whole "love" thing. I mean I've gotten to the point where I trust James enough that I say it to him, and I know I mean it. But does he mean it the same way? He is always saying that he wants us to last a long time, but I really don't want to lose him. I almost feel like I am going head first into a sheet of ice instead of a pool of water. Like just one slip up and I'll be crushed. I don't think I could handle getting dropped after feeling this happy, or comfortable with a guy again. The last time it happened, I ended up calling Michael (my bestest friend in the whole world) and cried to him over the phone. I felt so stupid. Because here I was, his strong friend who never cries, and I was running to him when he had no words of wisdom to pull me outta my slump. It was akward to talk to him about it, but I needed to tell him because he normally makes me laugh. I know I know Brian, James is trustworthy. And believe me I trust him with my life, but still its a chick thing...or at least my thing. I almost always worry about if I'll be what makes a good relationship end. But I really don't want this one to end. I'd do whatever it takes to keep James. He means that much to me. But I don't think he knows that. I mean he knows that he means a lot to me, but I don't think he knows that he is my world. Or just how much I've opened up to him. He got to read some of my poetry after just 2 months, where as my mom, whom I've known almost a full 16 effin years hasn't read anything other then the one I put in the yearbook. I could tell him anything. And sometimes I wonder, if I mean as much to him as he does to me. I wouldn't even doubt it. Just last Friday James, mom and I were in Papa Murphy's, and mom frustrated me to the point that I walked out of the store, and not two seconds later James was out the door trying to get me to go to him so that he could comfort me and calm me down. He always does it, and it always makes me feel like everything just suddenly got better right in that instant. I'd do the same for him if I could, but I never really get to see him...I can try to comfort him over the phone, but thats not the same as having someone come up to you give you a hug and then listen to why your frustrated. And then to look in his eyes. I HATE holding eye contact with him. I could get lost in them. I mean frekin ay! They are soo deep, its almost like he does the same thing I do, mask emotion, but you can see it in the eyes. Being with him is like nothing I've ever felt. I don't like it when he has to leave, but yet I look forward to the next time I get to see him. Its only been about 4 days since I saw him last, but still it feels like an eternity. I remember being so upset last night when dad said he couldn't come here, and I couldn't go up to his house today, I want to see him so effin badly. I'm a gonner, hook, line and sinker. I've fallen. In the words of New Found Glory "And its all downhill from here". I say this, cuz well, I've fallen deep, and it can go deeper down, or it could all end all too soon, and I could be left broken again. Well this is getting long, so I guess I can write more tomorrow.
♥ Ari
♥ Ari