009 - SAY HELLO TO SMURF MD.

[the_house_rules]

[Public video.]

[House is sitting in the infirmary at a desk. He looks very blue.

This is not a metaphor, House is physically electric-fucking-blue.

And he's so pissed. But he's at that point just beyond pissed where the situation is so ridiculous that it seems marginally funny.

Elaborate, childish metaphors are his thing, so while much of this seems

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[the_house_rules]

House was still moving. Tortoises can't run, but they aren't immobile. He was slothing his way away from Snape, indignantly furious or certain that he was high and none of this was real, or perhaps he wasn't aware he was a turtle. The fact that House hadn't stopped escaping made it hard to tell, because you couldn't really get a response from him.

His mind was formulating responses but this was something like aphasia. The words were there, but his tortoise mouth was emitting a strange, discordant series of strange hisses and grunts. His mind, however, was saying, "SNAPE, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO. I AM GOING TO BITE YOUR FACE OFF AND SHIT IN YOUR ROOM AND EAT EVERYTHING YOU LOVE."

House was making an effort to uphold his wordless threat, and turned his head towards Snape with the kind of slow exaggeration only the extremely sarcastic and the ancient reptiles possess, and opened his blue turtle mouth wide. It was clear he was trying to bite Snape, who was too far away to be bitten, but that didn't mean he wasn't trying.

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[emptyyourself]

"Oh, no you don't." Snape took a step toward House to keep him from moving too far away, but then realized the open-mouth thing was an effort to bite him. His jaw dropped slightly for a moment, then he bared his teeth angrily.

He leveled his wand at House half-tempted to ignore his discussion with Martha and just kill the tortoise quickly and quietly right here in the corridor. His fist tightened around the wand as he wrestled with his own conscience; enough had happened to him in the past four months to throw it all away on this most brilliant opportunity...but House would just come back, like they all did, and Snape would be an inmate.

Finally, he lowered his arm.

"I'll get help," he said stiffly.

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[the_house_rules]

House felt like he should be in some greater state of disbelief over this. He was, at this point, somewhat used to the barge having all manner of people, some of them characters he recognized, though Snape was his first encounter with magic. He had believed Snape was the real Snape and not some actor in garb, but there was something about being physically transformed into a turtle that erased whatever doubt might have remained. That said, the experience wasn't entirely convincing, considering he'd hallucinated far less unusual ones. So he was still quite torn between believing what his senses told him was true, and opting to believe that he was imagining everything.

House stared up at Snape, who had leveled his wand at him, and was aware that Snape was considering killing him. "Do it. I fucking dare you. I'd probably just come back as myself through the death toll." It would be doing him a favor.

But instead, he didn't follow through. Wand lowered, he said he would get "help," which was not comforting. It meant that he would continue to be a turtle and also that Snape couldn't reverse the situation on his own. Or that he didn't want to. House wasn't stupid; it was easier to wait out the flood with a tortoise than with House as a human tearing through the halls, using the flood as a weapon.

While Snape stood around summoning help from the corners of this fucking ship on his journal, House inched closer in slow, eerily silent reptilian steps. Snape looked like a tool, standing there texting on his journal, like some overgrown emo kid with a smart phone.

House waited until the moment was perfect, until he'd snuck close enough that he wouldn't botch this. When he was in position, he stretched out his neck like a slo-mo replay and bit Snape's leg through his pants.

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[emptyyourself]

Snape should have been paying attention. He'd seen House threaten to bite him once already; he ought to have been keeping half an eye on the tortoise and maintaining a safe distance. Instead, he was caught up in his conversation with Martha Jones, which said all sorts of things about his priorities. Things he would not particularly want to consider later, when he was berating himself for letting a turtle bite him.

When he felt House's jaws clamp down on his thigh, he shouted - a wordless, surprised cry that was both pain and indignation - dropped his journal, and instinctively punched the vile, blue monstrosity on the head.

Certainly the most rational of responses.

"Have you lost your mind?" he seethed.

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[the_house_rules]

When Snape punched him in the head, a sound came from the tortoise not unlike a sad, painful groan played back more slowly than it was recorded. The reptilian eyes closed instinctively to protect himself from harm.

As it happened, he followed through with the self-preservation measure and withdrew completely into his shell. Feet. Front feet. Head. Tail.

And from inside, House stared out at Snape's feet, loathing him.

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[emptyyourself]

Snape glared at House with utter and complete hatred, then did something no one would have ever imagined him doing. Perhaps in the nightmares of Harry Potter fans and Harry Potter himself, or in the throes of an hallucination.

Snape picked up his journal with vehemence and then sat on House's shell.

"If you bite me again, I'll use your shell for a new pensieve." He peered over in the direction of House's hidden head. "They won't find the rest of you."

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[the_house_rules]

House was aware that Snape was sitting on his shell. He was also aware that there was no sensation of discomfort from it. It was like House was sitting under a table and Snape was on top of it. He was aware he was there, but it was nothing like being sat on.

House remained where he was, hating Snape with every ounce of his being. He was actively plotting revenge, trying to think of the best retaliation for these grievances. It seemed clear that theft was in order. Burdening Snape with things that didn't entrap him could probably be cleared away with a wave of his wand, so he would have to steal it. He would have to work the details out, but it was going to happen.

House made an effort to threaten Snape by snapping his jaws, but was disappointed that this made no sound.