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He's determined to go out on the weekend, not wanting to spend Saturday cooped up alone, and he's got a few friends who didn't know Marcus well enough to be invited to the wedding. Hell, he's got a few friends now who don't even know Marcus at all.
So he sends out a few texts and makes plans for a night of drinking and debauchery. It'll be good, getting out and distracting himself. Maybe he'll meet someone, and maybe this time he'll be able to focus on them instead of the person he really wants, because Marcus will be officially out of his life.
He fully expects to wake up feeling like shit on Saturday morning, but on Friday morning he's still good. He wakes up relatively happy, showering, eating a quick breakfast, and he's just about to change into his proper work clothes when there's a knock at his door.
Without thinking, Esca jogs from the bedroom to the front hall, shouting “be there in a second!”
He assumes it'll be Mrs. Helm, or one of the landlords to finally fix the front step, so he's not prepared when he rounds the corner and sees Marcus standing on the other side of his screen door.
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I can't wait to see what Marcus really wants, and I am also happy that he came to Esca and that Esca did not seek him out again. The ball has been and still is in Marcus's court. As it should be.
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Loving how you build up the tension in the countdown to the wedding and loving Cottia for being the annoying friend who loves Esca and is there for him.
And Marcus. *shakes head and sighs*
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I adore your Cottia, and am so proud of Marcus for taking the step toward Esca. I'm interested to see what he's gonna do with that step!
Nonnie, ILU, just in case you didn't know ;)
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They're the first words out of Esca's mouth when he finally forces himself to open the door. Not “hi” or “how are you?” or “what took you so long?” or “you're finally here, thank god, thank god, thank god.” He can't bring himself to say those words. Can't bring himself to say anything that might get him hurt again.
He'd debated whether or not he should even open the door when he spotted Marcus on the other side. After screeching to a halt on the hardwood floor, he backed up quickly, standing behind the wall between the front hall and the kitchen, cursing himself for being such a coward.
Leave it to Marcus to show up the day before his wedding. Nineteen days had passed since that morning at the coffee shop. Nineteen days since he'd seen Marcus cry and heard him admit that he'd always planned to leave. Nineteen days since Esca had his heart broken a second time, and he'd left Marcus behind.
“I wanted to talk to you.”
“You're about nineteen days too late,” Esca sighs. He holds the door open, but makes no motion to step back and let Marcus inside.
“I'm sorry, Esca, please,” Marcus pleads, “I'm so sorry.”
His hair looks even shorter than Esca had seen it last, likely freshly cut for the wedding. His eyes are tired, and his face looks weary, and Esca has to fight every instinct telling him to hug Marcus and bring him inside and make whatever hurt he's feeling go away. Esca fights it with everything he has, because he's been hurt too, and there's no way he's going let himself be hurt again.
“You have to go,” Esca says firmly, not even saying Marcus's name out of fear his voice might break. “I can't do this again. Whatever you want to talk about, I don't want to hear it.”
“Esca - ”
“I can't.”
“Please - ”
“Marcus, I can't.” And that does it. His voice breaks on Marcus's name, and he's closing the door in Marcus's face.
Marcus remains at the door, his head down, showing no intention of moving. His stubbornness grates at Esca, and without thinking he finds himself marching to his bedroom and tugging open the bottom drawer of his dresser. He yanks out the red blanket and heads back to the door.
Marcus raises his head when the door begins to open, hope registering on his face, and Esca shoves the blanket at him, forcing it into his arms.
“You forgot that last time,” Esca says just before closing the door again. “If you want the rest, it's in the basement. Mrs. Helm can unlock it.”
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Marcus knocks again, and Esca ignores it.
He focuses on the last part of his regular morning routine, pouring coffee into a travel mug, and his hands are shaking by the time he's reaching for the sugar.
“Fuck.”
He tosses the spoon into the sink and heads for his bedroom, intentionally averting his gaze as he passes between the kitchen and the front hall. If Marcus is still standing at the door with a pitiful expression on his face, Esca doesn't want to know.
He throws off his pajama pants and t-shirt, and redresses quickly before checking himself in the mirror. His hands are still shaking, so he shoves them into his pockets, and focuses on his face. He looks tired, and he's staring back at himself, wide-eyed, his brows stuck halfway up his forehead in a look of perpetual surprise.
He takes a deep breath and blows out a gust of air.
Marcus doesn't knock again, at least, and Esca takes it as a sign that he's not going to push it.
He's feeling a bit calmer when he heads back to the kitchen to grab the coffee and his keys, and when Esca finally braves a look at the door he's relieved to find Marcus is gone.
Relieved, and sad.
That's it then.
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A litany of whispered curses fall from Esca's mouth before he turns away from the door.
He heads back into the kitchen to drop his keys and coffee back on the counter, and takes a seat at the table. Esca sits there for a moment, weighing his options. He could head outside anyway, and just try to ignore Marcus. He could slip out the back door, but his car is at the front of the house so he'd still have to see Marcus. Either way would likely result in Marcus trying to talk to him again, and Esca knows that any sort of pleading from Marcus might break his resolve.
Marcus and his stupid fucking bullheadedness. Esca knows Marcus will wait. How long, he's not sure, but if Marcus is sitting there, Esca is sure he's planning to wait.
Fine. Esca will just wait longer.
He calls his boss and gives a rambling excuse about his car not starting and how he'll just work from home, and then he's stomping into the living room and setting up his laptop on the coffee table.
He attempts to work, willing himself to stop looking at the clock on his screen, but after thirty-five minutes and barely two lines of script he's standing and heading for the door.
Esca glances out again, and Marcus is still sitting in the same position, hands tucked under the blanket as if he's trying to keep them warm.
As Esca watches, Mrs. Helm appears from her side of the lawn, approaching Marcus with her familiar smile. She always liked Marcus better - he was the one who volunteered to mow her lawn for her, and always pulled up the weeds from her flowerbed without being asked. Esca stands back a bit, hiding in the shadow as he watches them converse, and for a moment he wishes he could hear what they were saying. She's still smiling at Marcus, and Esca can tell by the tilt of Marcus's head that he's smiling back at her, or at least trying to. She gestures to the driveway, and the broken front step, and then to her flowerbed, and Esca can only imagine what she's saying as she rambles to Marcus for several minutes. Finally, as the conversation ends Marcus nods and gives her a wave as she heads back to her house. Esca steps back again, afraid Marcus is going to turn around, but he doesn't. Marcus stays where he is, lowers his head, and waits.
Esca lets out a sigh of frustration and heads to his room. If Marcus is planning to sit there for hours, then maybe Esca can hide out in there. He's exhausted anyway, after the last two days of non-stop work, and he could use the time to catch up on sleep.
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As soon as he's in his bed his mind is on Marcus, remembering the first time Marcus stayed over, when they'd both had a bit too much to drink and he'd hidden Marcus's keys. Marcus could've stayed in the spare room, but they'd passed out in Esca's bed sometime after four in the morning, and when Esca woke he was wearing Marcus's sweater, and a still-sleeping Marcus was plastered to his side. They weren't together yet -hadn't even talked about it- but it felt so comfortable and right, and Esca watched Marcus sleep, and when they got up Marcus made him breakfast.
His mind skips to the first time they'd fucked around. Marcus had been so nervous, and Esca had been so turned on by it he'd come before they'd managed to get their clothes off. Marcus's trembling hand on his cock had been enough to set Esca off, and afterwards they'd laughed so hard over it. It got better after that, as Marcus became less nervous and Esca managed to calm his cock down enough to last.
Before he can stop himself he's remembering everything. The first few nights after Marcus moved in, when Esca would lie awake at night just to listen to him breathe, glad that Marcus was finally with him and not going anywhere. All the times he was sick, and Marcus would bring him tea and soup, and sleep on the couch so Esca could have the entire bed to himself. The nights Marcus woke up in pain, and Esca would lie awake with him for hours, rubbing Marcus's leg to help ease the ache.
Esca would've done it forever, he's sure of it, and he wasn't lying when he said it to Marcus. He'd never loved anyone the way he loved Marcus, and he knows no one has ever loved him the way Marcus loved him.
Or, at least, that's what he'd always thought.
Esca glances at the clock. It's been just over an hour since Marcus first knocked on his door, and as Esca gets out of bed and heads for the front hall he decides to stop fighting it. If his heart wants to hear Marcus's side of things, then he'll try to listen.
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“Hi.”
Marcus looks a bit fearful, but Esca knows him well enough to see the hope in Marcus's face as he glances up.
“Esca, I'm sorry.”
“I know, you've said that.”
“I called off the wedding.”
“Okay.”
“Can I explain?”
Esca shrugs, taking a seat at Marcus's side. “You can try.”
“I thought I was doing the right thing,” Marcus's voice shakes as he begins speaking. “For my family, for my father and our family name, I thought it was something I had to do, and I never thought it would hurt you.”
“You should've told me.”
“I thought- ” Marcus pauses, tears welling in his eyes. He looks at Esca for a moment before confessing, “I thought if I told you, I'd never have a chance with you.”
“So you lied to me instead?”
“I wasn't thinking! I was trying to be a proper son, and do what I thought my father would want. If I could go back and change it all, I would, Esca. I'd do it all over, and I'd be better. I'd never hurt you.”
“Marcus, I loved you, and you just left. And yeah, people leave all the time, relationships end all the time. But you, Marcus? Us? I thought we were different. I thought that was it, and we were together, and you'd never leave me. But then you did.”
“I didn't want to.”
“But you did it anyway. When you left I thought you'd just pulled some notion out of thin air, falling out of love with me suddenly and deciding to move on, but now I know you'd always planned to leave. I gave you my heart, Marcus, and you broke it. I gave you everything.”
“I gave you everything too,” Marcus says, and Esca can see him breaking. “All I ever wanted was you, and I tried so hard to give you everything and be everything for you while we were together, so I could hold onto it and remember it.. after.”
“You could've told me,” and it's Esca's turn to break, “if I'd known I would've tried to remember it all too.”
“You would've wanted it? Even if- ?”
“Of course I would.” Esca wipes a tear from his face. “I loved you. Fuck, Marcus, I don't know what I did to make you doubt me.”
“I've never doubted you, I just, I never understood why you wanted me.”
Esca lets out a sob against his knees, a horrible mix of laughing and crying. “You were the best friend I ever had. You'd stand your ground and piss me off, then make me laugh, and you were always so fucking loyal, Marcus. And so fucking sweet. That was why I wanted you, all those reasons. That's why it killed me when you left. But if I'd known, if I knew from the beginning that it wasn't forever- ”
“Esca, I'm so sorry,” Marcus reaches for his hand, but stops himself as if he's afraid of Esca's reaction, “I can't even tell you how sorry I am.”
Esca keeps his hands around his knees, not opening himself to Marcus's touch. “So what now?”
Marcus shrugs, looking lost. “I don't know. I hadn't thought any further than seeing you.”
“Because I don't know if I can do it again.” Esca gestures between them. “This, I mean.”
“Okay,” Marcus nods, wiping a tear from his cheek. “Okay, I know.”
It kills Esca to say it, and it hurts even more to see Marcus's reaction. Esca's heart wants him to hug Marcus and bring him inside, but Esca's brain is screaming at him to protect his stupid reckless heart.
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“We're talking now, yeah?”
Marcus nods, smiling a little.
“So what made you change your mind?”
“I finally went and talked to my uncle. Asked him about my father, and told him why I was getting married. I thought he was going to hit me.”
Esca can't help the laugh the escapes him. “What'd he say?”
“He said our family name has a place in history, so it'll never be forgotten. And he'd never had his own children, but he would've been proud to call me his son. And if he were my father, he'd never want me to sacrifice my own happiness for someone else, especially not for him.”
Esca watches Marcus for a moment. “He's always seen you as a son, you know.”
“I know, I should have realized it before.” Marcus finally looks up at him. “There are a lot of things I didn't realize until now.”
“Does he know about us?”
“Yeah, and he wasn't surprised. He'd already figured us out, he just never knew why I didn't tell him.”
“What about Victoria?”
“She's angry, especially because I was the one who pushed for the wedding. And I told her about us, which didn't surprise her either. She said it was something about the look on my face every time I mentioned you.”
Esca cringes. “Suppose she hates that I showed up then, yeah?”
“No, she actually really likes you. It's me she's angry with.”
“So that's it then?”
Marcus nods, his fingers fiddling with the red blanket.
“Are you going back?”
“Just to get my stuff, but I don't have much there anyway.”
“And then?”
“I don't know.” Marcus stares down at his feet, tapping the broken supports where the step used to sit. “This finally broke off?”
“Sort of,” Esca admits, “I pulled it off after I got back from seeing you.”
Marcus gives him a look of surprise. “You did?”
Esca gestures behind himself to where the broken step still sits. “Tossed it up there and it's been there ever since.”
“Did you call the landlords?”
“Yeah, but you know them, useless arses.”
Marcus nods, smiling to himself. “They should've fixed it ages ago anyway.”
“That's what I keep telling them.”
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It's an odd thing to say about such a rundown house, but Esca understands, because he'd probably miss the place too if he left. It was their home together, and there are a lot of memories inside, and if Esca's completely honest with himself, it's one of the main reasons he didn't move after Marcus left. He wasn't ready to let those memories go.
“I used to dream about it,” Marcus continues, interrupting Esca's thoughts. “I'd dream I was coming home from work, and I'd feel so happy because I knew you'd be inside waiting for me. But then I'd get to the door and someone else would be living here, and I'd wake up terrified because I didn't know where you were.”
“I was always here.”
“I know. Sometimes I'd call Cottia just to make sure you were okay.”
It surprises Esca to hear it. He always assumed Marcus left and never looked back.
“She never told me that.”
“I asked her not to.” Marcus still isn't looking at him, staring at his feet as he confesses his heart to Esca. “I was so lost. I thought I could do it. I thought I could move on and have a different life, but my heart was always here.”
“So why didn't you come back?”
“I was trying to make it work, and I figured you'd moved on anyway. But then when you showed up that day..”
“I couldn't move on,” Esca admits. “I kept trying, but I missed you so much, and then I heard about the wedding.”
Marcus just nods, and Esca nudges him with his elbow.
“I heard from Placidus, you know.”
Marcus's head snaps up in horror. “Are you serious?”
“Yeah, smug prick, seemed to want to rub it in.”
“God, Esca, I'm sorry,” Marcus says, and he falls quiet again, turning to looking at his hands. “I mean it, for everything. I'm so sorry.”
“I know.”
Marcus looks to him again, tears on his cheeks, and Esca recognizes the familiar pause, the breath before Marcus speaks. “Esca, can I come home?”
The words hit Esca harder than he expected, tears filling his eyes as he nods. He stands, reaching for Marcus's hand, and pulls Marcus up with him. “C'mon.”
Marcus follows him into the house, his hand gripping Esca's tightly as Esca leads him down the hall and into the bedroom. Marcus's breathing is ragged, as if he can't quite stop himself from crying.
Esca pulls him onto the bed, and they lie there, quiet, just needing to be close to each other.
He's missed the feel of Marcus, and as Esca pushes his face into Marcus's neck his heart aches at the familiar scent of him. Marcus, too, seems to be exploring, remembering, and he touches Esca's hair, twirling a stray piece of it in his fingers before his hand slides to Esca's back, smoothing soothing circles over it.
As they lie there together, Esca begins to realize the fifteen months apart don't matter, and the hurt seems to fade, because Marcus is there now and they're both where they should be. They'll figure the rest out.
They fall asleep in their clothes, the red blanket ending up tangled around their feet, and when they wake up Marcus is spooked for a minute, hugging Esca tight, as if he's afraid he'll disappear at any moment. “Am I really here?”
“Yeah,” Esca kisses him, “you're home.”
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