just don't tell me that this doesn't mean the world
mine:
people are telling you
to let this go. part of you knows
exactly what they mean,
but the bigger part of you would rather
cut off your right arm. it's hard
to see what ought to be done
because things could go anywhere at this
point. something deep is preventing
you from turning this into a total
miracle. old parental trips have set up
patterns of disappointment that you
keep replicating in your relationships.
if you can penetrate and delete those
patterns, this soap opera could transform
itself into a dream come true.
yours:
nobody could have foreseen how all
of this would go, so don't get down on
yourself for not reading
the writing on the wall. if you think
it's too late to turn things around,
it's not.
when you try to rectify things, people
will call you a liar,
a hypocrite or worse. at the very least
they will say they've been misled.
you can be satisfied knowing
that you are none of the above and
only did what you thought was the right
thing at the time. whoever's upset
needs to see that they chose to go along
with this and stop blaming you.
random thoughts:
do you know how it feels to be wasting energy?
just wasting minutes and days. weeks. you get the idea.
how it is to feel like you could jump out of your skin?
i feel like that. but in a mentally charged
sort of way. more like eagerly anxious.
i'm feeling optimistic. oddly positive. calm. clammy.
more so with myself than anyone else. i think that's safe. r.
got a free haunted television from a dead woman.
it's intimidatingly large.
keep on having dreams. about all those old people.
what is my mind trying to figure out? am i trying to
forgive them or myself? maybe it's me trying to figure out
what to do now with the new old people.
i want to go on a trip. just drive
and see where we end up.
take a nap in the passenger seat.
good coffee. good company. sing really loud.
do some cry laughing. make a camp fire.
(paint a self portrait. build a house.)
have a new story to tell. new pictures to hang up.
i want to be in a relationship again. even with all the cute,
annoying, giddiness. i could do it again.
feel requited butterflies and see someone smile
at me like that again. i'd do things differently.
or at least tell myself i was.
be blunt and not naive. feel secure and not secretly terrified.
be real and not aloof.
i see now how there's no point to be anything
else. but honest and myself.
i'd rather someone stop talking to me
because they don't like me; than to have someone
adore what i'm trying to be.
got mutilated by my doctor yesterday.
my left breast will never be the same.
tattoo in the works. not there though.
something feels very different.
i hope i can listen and do something. stop the cycle.
tonight, second day of class
and first evening in a while
dedicated to mind numbing substances.
but this time it's not about blocking things out.
and i want you to know that it's okay.
it's probably better this way.
just don't do it again. stop the cycle.
i'll stop blaming you if you stop misleading.
i died for you one time, but never again.
maybe it's best to leave the past in the past.
you'll continue to be my muse
and i'll be your mistake.
i know that this is what you want
a funeral keeps both of us apart
you know that you are not alone
need you like water in my lungs
people are telling you
to let this go. part of you knows
exactly what they mean,
but the bigger part of you would rather
cut off your right arm. it's hard
to see what ought to be done
because things could go anywhere at this
point. something deep is preventing
you from turning this into a total
miracle. old parental trips have set up
patterns of disappointment that you
keep replicating in your relationships.
if you can penetrate and delete those
patterns, this soap opera could transform
itself into a dream come true.
yours:
nobody could have foreseen how all
of this would go, so don't get down on
yourself for not reading
the writing on the wall. if you think
it's too late to turn things around,
it's not.
when you try to rectify things, people
will call you a liar,
a hypocrite or worse. at the very least
they will say they've been misled.
you can be satisfied knowing
that you are none of the above and
only did what you thought was the right
thing at the time. whoever's upset
needs to see that they chose to go along
with this and stop blaming you.
random thoughts:
do you know how it feels to be wasting energy?
just wasting minutes and days. weeks. you get the idea.
how it is to feel like you could jump out of your skin?
i feel like that. but in a mentally charged
sort of way. more like eagerly anxious.
i'm feeling optimistic. oddly positive. calm. clammy.
more so with myself than anyone else. i think that's safe. r.
got a free haunted television from a dead woman.
it's intimidatingly large.
keep on having dreams. about all those old people.
what is my mind trying to figure out? am i trying to
forgive them or myself? maybe it's me trying to figure out
what to do now with the new old people.
i want to go on a trip. just drive
and see where we end up.
take a nap in the passenger seat.
good coffee. good company. sing really loud.
do some cry laughing. make a camp fire.
(paint a self portrait. build a house.)
have a new story to tell. new pictures to hang up.
i want to be in a relationship again. even with all the cute,
annoying, giddiness. i could do it again.
feel requited butterflies and see someone smile
at me like that again. i'd do things differently.
or at least tell myself i was.
be blunt and not naive. feel secure and not secretly terrified.
be real and not aloof.
i see now how there's no point to be anything
else. but honest and myself.
i'd rather someone stop talking to me
because they don't like me; than to have someone
adore what i'm trying to be.
got mutilated by my doctor yesterday.
my left breast will never be the same.
tattoo in the works. not there though.
something feels very different.
i hope i can listen and do something. stop the cycle.
tonight, second day of class
and first evening in a while
dedicated to mind numbing substances.
but this time it's not about blocking things out.
and i want you to know that it's okay.
it's probably better this way.
just don't do it again. stop the cycle.
i'll stop blaming you if you stop misleading.
i died for you one time, but never again.
maybe it's best to leave the past in the past.
you'll continue to be my muse
and i'll be your mistake.
i know that this is what you want
a funeral keeps both of us apart
you know that you are not alone
need you like water in my lungs