Two Month Update
Hey.
Okay, let's see here. SRT, I need to shit or get off the pot. I do not want to leave all of the people I have been RPing with for five years or so but I'm not welcome at M3 anymore and there's nowhere else. But everyone who is in my cast on SRT are sort of a clique who don't answer my pages and talk to me like I am an ambulatory piece of shit, and furthermore, in trying to avoid the good versus evil question they made every conflict into the good versus evil question and sometimes a guy just wants to fight space monsters. And, I know, "Where were you with the zentraedi." but the Zentraedi thing was a weekend long and no one told me it was happening. All and all since +schedule became prominent I've felt like the humanity's been sucked out of MUSHing-no one talks about stuff anymore, they just go "Check +schedule noob.", which I freely admit is 90% me being stupid. It's not like anyone's rude about it, it's just...cold.
All and all I'm probably just delaying the inevitable and should man up and drop Shinji so someone active can play him. If I don't have some kind of revelation by Monday I will. Period, end of story, even if I hate ending my time with the character on such a sour note. My record for fixing sour notes is fucking terrible, and I need to learn to cut my losses. If I try to go back it'll be like Gate, anyway, where I wish I hadn't because it half spoils all of the good memories. I didn't know how important a place where I could go to pretend to be wise was for me until it was gone.
In other RPG news, I tried applying at a few Harry Potter places, and got a sound round of rejection. On one hand, wow, I'm not used to being blocked in at the gate and it is somewhat humbling. On the other hand, do I really want to play at a place where they think killing Hagrid off screen is a great idea? I only tried because I promised myself to try to get involved in a new social group this month. I do not know how I feel about failing so completely. Writing has been an exercise in frustration, as three or four stories scream in my head at once and none of them come out right, or at all, and no one wants to read them anyway.
Social life, I am what I am. I tried talking to a cute girl in my statistics class, but it didn't go well. I remembered she was interested in a certain career and I saw an add at the college for a seminar on getting started there, so I grabed a copy and gave it to her, and I think it freaked her out. Why is there no middle ground between "insultingly disinterested" and "creepy stalker"? It's not like I ripped the woman's shirt open and shouted "LOVE ME" at the top of my lungs, I got that she wasn't interested and I didn't bug her after that. I still miss Sarah, but I've kept my word with not trying to talk to her and I guess that's something. It's pathetic that I can't get over this chick.
I haven't had any luck finding stuff around the city to hang out at, and trying to do something like drive up to Boston for the LARP that's up there will just freak people out. I have to wonder if I'm sabotaging myself. I occasionally still talk to the M3 crowd but I get the strong feeling that it's an uncomfortable experience for them so I'm trying to tone it down. My biggest regret there is probably not clarifying something I said to Leo when I had the chance, and it'll only sound insincere now. But getting back to the earlier point, every time I really feel like I've connected with someone, it always ends up being me deluding myself. I pointed this out to my therapist and he didn't have anything to say, probably because there wasn't anything to say. On some level I know that my own self pity and fear are my worst enemies here, but I do not get how to take a step away from that lifestyle without tripping down the stairs and cracking my head open on the tile.
Physically, still fat, still ugly, still hairy. My mom put a picture of me on the internet so I can show people for sure. I pray more because I see a lot more people dieing or stuck in the hospital and I see health care crises on TV and it seems like I lose either way. Either my dad's income and job happiness take a substantial hit, or I have the familiar specter of no health care hang over my broke ass head for the rest of my days. I'm actually starting to enjoy driving, a bitter irony that I do my best to ignore the existence of. My dad likes to say that he would have been allowed to die under Obama's health care plan and I wonder if the business of keeping people in the hospital is going to sputter out in time to kill me when the tumor in my brain starts to grow. Or maybe I'll die like Uncle Timmy, a heart attack out of nowhere before I right all of the wrongs my inexplicable pride has caused.
Financially, I just lost the summer job that made me a whole five hundred bucks. I didn't realize how much I enjoyed taking care of those animals until I wasn't needed anymore, and I feel guilty to boot when I hear how Mister Reed described my services as "charity". I didn't ask for it, I knew it was, and I never should've taken it in the first place. I feel dirty and useless and like banging my head into an iron pole until it bends or my skull cracks. I continue to not even warrant the courtesy of a rejection letter from publishers. I am considering my options for the fall but they are slim, since not many jobs guarantee Monday and Tuesday nights off and there are more qualified people with more flexible schedules than myself. An artist expressed interest in reading a script I wrote. Took me a day to write a decent sample but for whatever reason it's been three weeks and I haven't been able to type it up. I seem to be doing okay in my classes but the grading is irregular so I do not know for certain. I am better at programming than I thought I would be but I will not know for sure until we actually work on Java.
Overall, doing better than I was in August, but I'm still dreading my 25th birthday next month. Twenty-five years. I'll try to journal a little more often so my next entry is not as huge.
Okay, let's see here. SRT, I need to shit or get off the pot. I do not want to leave all of the people I have been RPing with for five years or so but I'm not welcome at M3 anymore and there's nowhere else. But everyone who is in my cast on SRT are sort of a clique who don't answer my pages and talk to me like I am an ambulatory piece of shit, and furthermore, in trying to avoid the good versus evil question they made every conflict into the good versus evil question and sometimes a guy just wants to fight space monsters. And, I know, "Where were you with the zentraedi." but the Zentraedi thing was a weekend long and no one told me it was happening. All and all since +schedule became prominent I've felt like the humanity's been sucked out of MUSHing-no one talks about stuff anymore, they just go "Check +schedule noob.", which I freely admit is 90% me being stupid. It's not like anyone's rude about it, it's just...cold.
All and all I'm probably just delaying the inevitable and should man up and drop Shinji so someone active can play him. If I don't have some kind of revelation by Monday I will. Period, end of story, even if I hate ending my time with the character on such a sour note. My record for fixing sour notes is fucking terrible, and I need to learn to cut my losses. If I try to go back it'll be like Gate, anyway, where I wish I hadn't because it half spoils all of the good memories. I didn't know how important a place where I could go to pretend to be wise was for me until it was gone.
In other RPG news, I tried applying at a few Harry Potter places, and got a sound round of rejection. On one hand, wow, I'm not used to being blocked in at the gate and it is somewhat humbling. On the other hand, do I really want to play at a place where they think killing Hagrid off screen is a great idea? I only tried because I promised myself to try to get involved in a new social group this month. I do not know how I feel about failing so completely. Writing has been an exercise in frustration, as three or four stories scream in my head at once and none of them come out right, or at all, and no one wants to read them anyway.
Social life, I am what I am. I tried talking to a cute girl in my statistics class, but it didn't go well. I remembered she was interested in a certain career and I saw an add at the college for a seminar on getting started there, so I grabed a copy and gave it to her, and I think it freaked her out. Why is there no middle ground between "insultingly disinterested" and "creepy stalker"? It's not like I ripped the woman's shirt open and shouted "LOVE ME" at the top of my lungs, I got that she wasn't interested and I didn't bug her after that. I still miss Sarah, but I've kept my word with not trying to talk to her and I guess that's something. It's pathetic that I can't get over this chick.
I haven't had any luck finding stuff around the city to hang out at, and trying to do something like drive up to Boston for the LARP that's up there will just freak people out. I have to wonder if I'm sabotaging myself. I occasionally still talk to the M3 crowd but I get the strong feeling that it's an uncomfortable experience for them so I'm trying to tone it down. My biggest regret there is probably not clarifying something I said to Leo when I had the chance, and it'll only sound insincere now. But getting back to the earlier point, every time I really feel like I've connected with someone, it always ends up being me deluding myself. I pointed this out to my therapist and he didn't have anything to say, probably because there wasn't anything to say. On some level I know that my own self pity and fear are my worst enemies here, but I do not get how to take a step away from that lifestyle without tripping down the stairs and cracking my head open on the tile.
Physically, still fat, still ugly, still hairy. My mom put a picture of me on the internet so I can show people for sure. I pray more because I see a lot more people dieing or stuck in the hospital and I see health care crises on TV and it seems like I lose either way. Either my dad's income and job happiness take a substantial hit, or I have the familiar specter of no health care hang over my broke ass head for the rest of my days. I'm actually starting to enjoy driving, a bitter irony that I do my best to ignore the existence of. My dad likes to say that he would have been allowed to die under Obama's health care plan and I wonder if the business of keeping people in the hospital is going to sputter out in time to kill me when the tumor in my brain starts to grow. Or maybe I'll die like Uncle Timmy, a heart attack out of nowhere before I right all of the wrongs my inexplicable pride has caused.
Financially, I just lost the summer job that made me a whole five hundred bucks. I didn't realize how much I enjoyed taking care of those animals until I wasn't needed anymore, and I feel guilty to boot when I hear how Mister Reed described my services as "charity". I didn't ask for it, I knew it was, and I never should've taken it in the first place. I feel dirty and useless and like banging my head into an iron pole until it bends or my skull cracks. I continue to not even warrant the courtesy of a rejection letter from publishers. I am considering my options for the fall but they are slim, since not many jobs guarantee Monday and Tuesday nights off and there are more qualified people with more flexible schedules than myself. An artist expressed interest in reading a script I wrote. Took me a day to write a decent sample but for whatever reason it's been three weeks and I haven't been able to type it up. I seem to be doing okay in my classes but the grading is irregular so I do not know for certain. I am better at programming than I thought I would be but I will not know for sure until we actually work on Java.
Overall, doing better than I was in August, but I'm still dreading my 25th birthday next month. Twenty-five years. I'll try to journal a little more often so my next entry is not as huge.