(no subject)
FUCK YOU MS NG FOR GIVING ME THAT MANY PROBLEMS ON A QUIZ AND FUCK YOU SUBSITUTE FOR TALKING TO US SO MUCH EVEN THOUGH WE CLEARLY WERE KILLING OURSELVES OVER THAT QUIZ.
AHH. much better.
so the time is coming closer to when my life is going to take an inevitable turn. presently i am barely getting to know people who i should have befriended long ago, and the people who i should keep the closest seem to be the ones who are the most distant. since the beginning of this year, a tiny anxiety loomed in the back of my head: wondering why the people who were once my confidants were acting differently towards me and and now wondering why my circle of friends has become more like small groups of people being alone together. confrontation has become minimal: a hug here, a "lets chill sometime" there, a drunken apology/confession. what happened to presence? i dont feel it from anyone anymore and i am guilty of sometimes not being present myself. what has been done? something i know, but its not working. its not working and thats frustrating the hell out of me. i am optimistic. i cope with changes and understand that other friendships arise out of common circumstances. i think of all the possible reasons which could explain why the only person whos friendship with me has not changed is enrique. i tell people its my fault. i tell them ill hang out with them and do. nothing is fucking changing for me. i could cope with not having everyone be my best friend, i understand that people confide in those who know them better, which is why i dont let it get to me (although once in a while it still hurts). Even when the person i feel i knew better than everyone else began to talk to me about her personal life less and less, i put myself in her shoes and told myself that she wanted to do things on her own now. i will always be there for her. But what has happened now? I go to school in the mornings and dont know where to sit. I dont think there is a girl out there who knows exactly what i did last weekend. i cry and we hug but the day goes on and we dont talk afterwards and nothing changes. NOTHING IS CHANGING RIGHT NOW!!! having a boyfriend to talk to is great, especially one which readily listens. but he is not a girl, a friend, my girlfriend. though i do look forward to meeting people in college, i do not want to permanently replace my girlfriend by someone from kentucky. i want to go back home and see her, and laugh and dance and hug and cry. i didnt even expect to write about this on lj. i guess its stupid and hypocritial for me to post it for the world to see. however, i cannot tell one person the way i write it here, for here i am not talking to you, or her, or her. and enrique has heard enough about it from me. i just get frustrated. sometimes i think that i dont NEED a girlfriend for survival and i know for sure that my life is not going to go down the drain without one...but something is missing. whatever. hopefully the length of this entry will dissuade anyone from reading it, even though i still am making it public. noone reads ljs anymore anyway.
AHH. much better.
so the time is coming closer to when my life is going to take an inevitable turn. presently i am barely getting to know people who i should have befriended long ago, and the people who i should keep the closest seem to be the ones who are the most distant. since the beginning of this year, a tiny anxiety loomed in the back of my head: wondering why the people who were once my confidants were acting differently towards me and and now wondering why my circle of friends has become more like small groups of people being alone together. confrontation has become minimal: a hug here, a "lets chill sometime" there, a drunken apology/confession. what happened to presence? i dont feel it from anyone anymore and i am guilty of sometimes not being present myself. what has been done? something i know, but its not working. its not working and thats frustrating the hell out of me. i am optimistic. i cope with changes and understand that other friendships arise out of common circumstances. i think of all the possible reasons which could explain why the only person whos friendship with me has not changed is enrique. i tell people its my fault. i tell them ill hang out with them and do. nothing is fucking changing for me. i could cope with not having everyone be my best friend, i understand that people confide in those who know them better, which is why i dont let it get to me (although once in a while it still hurts). Even when the person i feel i knew better than everyone else began to talk to me about her personal life less and less, i put myself in her shoes and told myself that she wanted to do things on her own now. i will always be there for her. But what has happened now? I go to school in the mornings and dont know where to sit. I dont think there is a girl out there who knows exactly what i did last weekend. i cry and we hug but the day goes on and we dont talk afterwards and nothing changes. NOTHING IS CHANGING RIGHT NOW!!! having a boyfriend to talk to is great, especially one which readily listens. but he is not a girl, a friend, my girlfriend. though i do look forward to meeting people in college, i do not want to permanently replace my girlfriend by someone from kentucky. i want to go back home and see her, and laugh and dance and hug and cry. i didnt even expect to write about this on lj. i guess its stupid and hypocritial for me to post it for the world to see. however, i cannot tell one person the way i write it here, for here i am not talking to you, or her, or her. and enrique has heard enough about it from me. i just get frustrated. sometimes i think that i dont NEED a girlfriend for survival and i know for sure that my life is not going to go down the drain without one...but something is missing. whatever. hopefully the length of this entry will dissuade anyone from reading it, even though i still am making it public. noone reads ljs anymore anyway.