My baby's got a secret
I'm finding myself less apt to write these days, and it's been troubling me, but I think I may have pinpointed a part of the reason, which may or may not actually be helpful to me, or to you, my ever-faithful reader.
I've noticed a trend in myself to swing wildly from being incredibly secretive, to feeling an uncanny urge to tell everyone in the world every last little thing about myself, and back again. It is important to me that those closest to me really know who I am, if for no other reason than that I know how utterly devastating it can be for relationships, and for my own self-esteem, when they do not. I'm fully aware that I can play any number of roles for weeks, months, even years, in a vain attempt to please someone else, to conform, to be accepted, or just because I'm afraid to let people get too close, and it isn't a trap I want to fall into again. It isn't a trap I'm going to fall into again. But living in a world where you have to be yourself is frightening, and I'm not very good at it yet. So there are times when I have things I may want to say, but then the fear creeps in, and that need for secrecy asserts itself, and so I say nothing. This is true in many aspects of my life, but nowhere is it more apparent than in my writing, or lack thereof.
There are other reasons, of course, some of them I've even identified, but, at least for the time being, I'm keeping them to myself.
I've noticed a trend in myself to swing wildly from being incredibly secretive, to feeling an uncanny urge to tell everyone in the world every last little thing about myself, and back again. It is important to me that those closest to me really know who I am, if for no other reason than that I know how utterly devastating it can be for relationships, and for my own self-esteem, when they do not. I'm fully aware that I can play any number of roles for weeks, months, even years, in a vain attempt to please someone else, to conform, to be accepted, or just because I'm afraid to let people get too close, and it isn't a trap I want to fall into again. It isn't a trap I'm going to fall into again. But living in a world where you have to be yourself is frightening, and I'm not very good at it yet. So there are times when I have things I may want to say, but then the fear creeps in, and that need for secrecy asserts itself, and so I say nothing. This is true in many aspects of my life, but nowhere is it more apparent than in my writing, or lack thereof.
There are other reasons, of course, some of them I've even identified, but, at least for the time being, I'm keeping them to myself.