(no subject)

[thatgirl_____]

impossible for there is not even enough paper in the world to spill out how i really feel, and say all the things i long to say, but lucky enough for me there is enough of other resources to get out what i need, But for somereason i still have not found peace within.WHere to even begin i have no idea but inorder to get anywhere i need to. The begingin is so far back but is what has molded my present..Everything i write is the honest truth and the honest way i preceive it and re-act to it. The past 6 years of my life is as far back as i can remeber in detail the tears of pain that would drip from my beautiful face were formed from his actions, his words, his presence and even his name being mentioned for never was it in a postive way. I need to get this out for if i dont i feel another melt down and life can turn around more quickly then you can count to three, like the night i found out he was a druggie throughout his whole entire life from the way age of about 16 till now, his present age 54. I fear he wont even make it to 55.I fear truefully that he wont be there to walk me down the isle, at the same time im so angrey and hurt that i dont even want him to be there to witness one of the happiest days of my life, one that the joy cant be captured in a photograph. One of those you have to be there moments. Thats the last thing he deserves from me. BUt then see here it gfoes again i feel bad, maybe i think im tryna be a better person for its the right thing to do, but im so sick, ever so sick of just doing the right thing to create a happy atmospher, but its all based on a lie that my family fears the publics reaction.Nobody in the family even knows how to deal with this, i dont but i feel i have a better grasp on it for i went through the struggles of addiction, or what they would call the verge of being addicted, but i pulled myself out for i have him as my reasons to not even wanting that life.What i truely dont understand and i wish he could speak to me, is why, why at this point in your life do you need it, granted its a diese that you say you have no controll over, but you do , you have a daugheter that longs for a father. But the sad part is i dont even know if i could be it anymore, a daughter that is to you for the only reason i act the way i do is i fear the hate i fear the fights i fear the drama. I finally in my life feel so good about myself, well thats a lie but im working on feeling good about im self, im working twoards a better me.  IM working towards the real me and i thihnk thats why it hurts so much is becasue im afraid to fall back again from his problems. THey are not my own, but at the same time they are for this is my family and so badly do i belive in family, but at the same time i donttttttttttt
grrrrrrrrrr...what i want is to hard to find, why cant it float my way.

my thoughts  race rapidly but catch one another like the tortis and the the hare, i always feel like my time is running out that i need to feel it all today i want it all now, but the worst part about it all is know i deserve it but somehow i always fuck it up

who am i fooling, things will never get better.