An insightful entry for once...
Have I fallen into depression again? No, it's not that extreme, and I hope it never really gets to be like that again. That's one point in my life that I would prefer not to visit again. But yes, sadness has struck Johann once again. Where does this sadness come from? Many many things. Unhappiness with lots of things. All this unhappiness got me to thinking... what is really good in my life. What things do I really appreciate? What should I be thankful for? I always thought the best way to get over something bad is to "look on the bright side" or so I've been told so many times. So I decide to try that. In my talks with Izzy, she mentions things like my health. Well, I guess the fact that I'm still breathing is a pretty damn good thing, but besides that... I'm not sure there is much else that is good. I recently visited the doctor. And now it's official: I'm not just shy, I filled out some long ass questionnaire and the answers I provided has me diagnosed with general/social anxiety. Yes, that lil bouncy puff of whatever in those Zoloft commercials, that's me. I took the medication, then my car broke down, so I'm already off it for a week. Doesn't matter much since I didn't feel a damn difference anyways. Well, what did matter is what I found out about my overall health. According to my body composition and all that other good stuff, I am officially morbidly obese. For those who don't know the definition of morbid: one of the 3 definitions off of dictionary.com says that morbid means "Gruesome; grisly." I'm well over the 40 BMI thingy meaning I'm up there at the level of those 700 pound people. Well, clearly I'm not that bad yet, but I guess those "freshmen 15" was the straw the broke the camel's back. I didn't worry about this too much. I mean hell, I felt pretty damn good. Just to make sure things didn't get too out of hand, I visited the gym three times a week. I guess the problem was more of a psychological one. I felt okay, so I had no real problems with my weight and how I looked. Well that was before all the reality checks that smacked me across my face as I entered UM. You know how the stereotypical UM student is: that little blonde haired blue eyes girl or that abercrombie model-looking guy. Still that wasn't even what led me to my current state. No, it was once again the damn romance department. The advice I get is always "if you look, you'll never get it." But this advice comes from women, and things are totally different there. As a guy, it's your role in society to look. Very few girls have the ovaries to approach and introduce themselves to guys. Hell, it was only last week when I was asked if it was too forward for a girl to approach a guy. So, if I take this advice of sitting around and "not looking", then I can bet that 40 years from now, I'll be on social security still sitting around and not looking. This lil plan doesn't work for guys. So yeah, I've been actively looking. Not too much at first, because not too many people at UM interested me. (I'm gonna use aliases for names from here on out) Back when we were in lockdown, one girl caught my eye... we'll call her Angela. I saw Angela as she passed by my room during lockdown. From that day, I would run into her about once a month. DAMMIT! Can my roommate stop yawning so loud?!? Anyways, I'll continue... I ran into her every now and then, but it was never really an opportunity to approach her. And besides, approaching a girl is something I know nothing about. But really, who was I supposed to learn it from? My non-existant father? The boys in my all-boys Catholic high school? See, besides reading books and stupid ass articles online, I've never really found out how to really approach a girl. I don't know what to say, what to tell her, anything! After "Hi, I'm Johann" I'm dead stuck. But that wasn't much of a problem since I never really ran into her. Except for one fateful day when I was visiting a friend on the second floor. For some reason, fate perhaps, I decided to go up the stairs instead of take the elevator. On my way to the stairs I passed the room right by the stairs, and out the corner of my eye, there she was... Angela. I ran my ass up the stairs and instantly talked to my friend whom I just visited, asking for the name of the girl in that room. She is a member of the infamous college facebook, so I read about her and IMed her that night. See, there I go. I can't approach a girl in real life, but things are a little easier online. Still, I was stuck not knowing what to say and all that crap. So anwyays, eventually we got to know each other, and inevitably, I entered the friend zone. The story goes on... I meet her friend, end up in the friend zone there, too. But in a way, it didn't bother me too much after getting to know them. With comments such as "I need dick", I'm not sure that these are really the types of girls I would want. Fuck that, I know I don't want a girl like that. That comment is flat out hoe-ish! Anyways, time passes, and I forget about those two, and eventually, I met another girl. This girl has a story behind her as well. This girl, we'll call Marcia. Now I've been struck by Marcia since my first day here at UM. See, they had an event called Horizons held by the Multicultural Students Association. She caught my attention when she called out that she was from Haiti. Since my ex best friend is from there, it interested me that she was from there as well. If you know me, then you know that I'm an ass-man. And well, anybody who knows this "Marcia" know that she has an ass like whoa! But when I'd run into her on campus, I'd get either ignored or some kind of a cold look. So, I never really wanted to deal with her, though every time I saw her, she'd always turn my head (and no, not just cuz of her ass). Once this whole facebook thing got going, I saw her on it. Now "Marcia's" real name is a very beautiful, unique name. You won't find it on babynames.com (I already searched). I knew who she was and everything and through facebook, I now knew her screen name. I knew I didn't have the balls to ever talk to her in real life, so I thought this might be my only chance. But how the hell was I supposed to go about doing this? "Hey, duh... I saw you like 4 months ago and I've been watching you as you pass by every day" Sorry, but that just screams out "STALKER!!!" So, that wouldn't work. It took another month before I can get a chance to talk to her. What happened was there was a concert performed by Wyclef Jean and being from haiti, she went all out in the way she was dressed. She got pulled up on stage by Wyclef's opening act. Unable to resist, I took a picture of her. Don't think I'm crazy or anything, I took like 40 pictures, and that just happened to be one of them. So, a few days later, I contacted her on AIM. I put on my little innocent act like "duh, are you that girl who was on stage" when in fact I knew quite a bit about her. I sent her the pic and that's when we started talking. Throughout the first semester, we were talking as friends, and I never really expected anything to evolve at all. This girl is very pretty and I knew that I don't have a snowball's chance in hell with her. Problems occurred this semester when we started having real conversations. After these conversations, I started liking her. I hated it. She was basically everything I would want in a woman. I mean everything. From physical appearance to every aspect of her personality. It was the worst feeling ever. You know how everybody has that feeling about a soul mate? That one person who is just perfect for them? Well, imagine finding that one perfect person, and knowing that you will NEVER EVER have a chance with her. It's not gonna happen. I hated that, but I still tried cuz hey, you never know. So, I slowly started falling for her, then boom, there goes the friend zone once again. I knew it was inevitable and once you're in, you can't get out... but I was still determined. In my mind, she was the one. Then, I heard the news that made me lose all hope. She was currently hungry for this guy who there was no possible way I could compete with. So as Marcia and I remain friends, I still wonder, why can't I ever find anybody. Is it really that hard? Nice guys finish last, but I know a few guys who actually are nicer and have a LOT more patience than I do... but they have had/currently have girlfriends. All this leads to one thing: physical appearance. Here's where I connect things back to my orignal point (if there was really any one point in the first place). Physical appearance seems to be one of the biggest problems I have. It's a health risk, and now I'm realizing that it's probably one of the main reasons I can't get a single female soul to like me. I thought about this for a while. Today, it hit me about 3 hours ago. That's when I got inspired to write down all the shit swirling through my head. I took some pics of myself in my room. Every pic repulsed me. I always saw myself in a mirror and never thought I really looked bad. But after looking at these pics, I saw so many flaws. Every possible thing that could be wrong was in those pics. I mean everything. Small ass eyes, a big ass head, a wide ass nose, FUCKING REPULSIVE looking razor bumps under my chin, D-cup women's breasts, gigantic stomach, huge ass... I hated everything I saw. Worst part about it is there is not much I can do about it. Doctors tell me how obese I am and don't even tell me a recipe for a sandwich that would help me out. They just go and say "you're fat" and leave. THANK YOU, fuckin asshole. Like I didn't feel like shit before I came here. Now, I'm feeling even worse. So, doc tells me I'm fat and doesn't suggest jack shit. Where am I supposed to look for weight loss information? It's fuckin everywhere. Fad diets, dumbass workout machines, the works. I wish I knew what really worked. But even if I do, I'm stuck with this damn meal plan and the shit we get served at Chartwells. I can't have a salad EVERY day, and sandwiches get old after a while. So I'm eating crap every day and how the hell am I gonna work out? How many fat people do you see running? NONE!!! Why? cuz that shit's hard for us big people. So, what am I to do? I'm lost. I have no clue what to do about anything! This razor bump removal cream isn't working. I'm eating like crap. Arrgh!!! Now I have this fuckin essay to do. Everything sucks.