Coming To Terms (2/4)
Title: Coming To Terms
Author: thanku4urlove
Pairing: Takaki/Inoo
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Slight cursing, discussions about sexuality, kissing
Genre: Slice of life? Romance
Summary: It's the end of 2014. Takaki Yuya is twenty-four, and seven years into his career as a member of the Johnny's group "Hey! Say! JUMP". He loves his job and his group mates too, but is unsure of his relationship with Inoo Kei. The things he knows about his feelings and the things he knows about himself aren't adding up, and all he wants is to make sure Inoo doesn't get hurt while he's trying to figure it all out.
About phone calls, self-acceptance, and being in love.
A/N: Halfway through already! The porn warning particularly applies to this chapter. Additional warnings in this chapter for mentions of Suda Masaki, mentions of Miura Haruma, and mentions of Yamada's dad.
This chapter can also be read on AO3 here! (x)
Previous Part: 1
Since they weren’t hanging out at work anymore, and they didn’t hang together at all outside of work, Takaki didn’t really see much of Inoo in the weeks that followed. They filmed two long and very involved music videos for their project Koro Sensations, then jumped immediately into rehearsals for Johnny’s Countdown. The coming of the new year was very distracting, 2014 drawing to a close, and roughly a week later Yuto became very sparse, beginning filming for a movie.
The whole group knew about Pink and Gray, but all of them underestimated how much of his time it would take up. And not just with filming it, and doing promotional spots and photoshoots; Yuto became close with the cast, declining invitations from the members because he already had plans with the other actors.
It didn’t particularly offend Takaki, but it was surprising and unexpected, occasionally becoming an item of gossip in the group. Yabu had a theory that Yuto might have a crush on Kaho, the actress in the movie, but Takaki never heard Yuto talk about her. All of his stories were about the things he did with Suda Masaki, his co-star and fast new friend. Yamada occasionally went out with them, also friends with Suda Masaki, and he didn’t have any interesting details to report. Takaki didn’t think much of it until the night of the movie’s wrap party came, and the JUMP group chat got some text messages from Yuto at nearly three in the morning.
The first one was very sweet, an extremely drunk Yuto trying to tell the group how much he loved them all, a plethora of misspellings in the nearly screen-length paragraph of text, with some confusing uses of emojis. The next one was a blurry photo of the three main actors of the movie, Yuto in the middle and holding his phone, with Suda Masaki on one side and the girl on the other, a stray arm over her head that must have belonged to someone else.
The last text was another picture, sent almost an hour later, and taken by someone else. The quality of the photo wasn’t the best, but Takaki was still able to make out what was happening, recognizing Yuto easily and using the similarities in hairstyle and clothes from the previous picture to place the other person as Suda Masaki. Suda Masaki was in Yuto’s lap, and the two of them were tangled up in a very enthusiastic kiss.
Takaki blinked down at the picture in the weak light of the morning, confused and surprised and unsure of how to react. When he got to work, he found the others feeling rather similarly, looking around at each other, all of them knowing they were thinking about the same thing but not quite knowing what to say.
Yuto was late that morning, and his face was already red as he walked into the practice room, bending nearly in half in a bow as soon as he passed the threshold.
“I’m sorry!” He said, head still directed at the floor. “I--I shouldn’t have sent those texts.”
Takaki found himself wondering if Yuto had sent them on purpose, or even remembered sending them at all.
“It’s okay.” Hikaru said after an uneasy moment at the formality of the apology, Chinen tacking on,
“Yeah, it’s not like we’ve never seen your tongue before.”
That got a couple of laughs, Yuto straightening up. He still looked heavily embarrassed, putting a hand on the back of his neck.
“Are you guys dating?” Daiki asked, sounding intrigued, but Yuto shook his head.
“I… I mean, I don’t really know. We didn’t talk about it much. And I mean, we were drunk, so…” He trailed off. “I’m not sure. I guess I’ll have to call him.”
He shrugged, and Takaki almost couldn’t believe how incredibly nonchalant Yuto was being with all of this. There had never been anything from Yuto, any hints or notions that he might be interested in guys; he’d certainly never come out to any of them. And he was definitely embarrassed, still looking a little uncomfortable, but Takaki could tell that the discomfort wasn’t coming from the part in the equation that Suda Masaki was playing, just that the text messages had been drunken and a little inappropriate.
“Yuto…” Keito’s voice was a little hesitant and uneasy. “Who took the photo?”
“Kaho did. We were the only three left, and she was laughing at us.” Yuto seemed to catch onto the full implications of the question a moment later, turning more towards Yabu and Hikaru instead of Keito to answer and straightening up a bit as he spoke. “But she only took them on my phone, and there are only three. I checked with her this morning, just in case.”
Takaki hadn’t noticed how tense Inoo had been holding himself until he relaxed, the movement from him completely stealing Takaki’s attention for a moment. Something about Yuto’s words had relieved him, and a moment later Inoo was storming towards Yuto, a playful lilt in his voice, but serious too.
“You got me so worried! As soon as I woke up this morning I was checking all of the tabloid sites like a crazy person!” He said, jabbing Yuto in the chest with his finger, Yuto rubbing at the poked area with a laugh. “You made me see a lot of weird stuff that I didn’t want to look at so early in the morning.”
“I’m sorry!” Yuto exclaimed back at him, and the whole group was laughing now; the stress in Yuto’s posture had all faded, and he just looked like someone who had stayed up way too late partying--which, as they knew, was true. “No, it’s all okay. I’ll probably have to delete the pictures though, huh? If I don’t want anyone to find them.”
“Or use a new phone, if you want to keep them.” Yamada said with a shrug. They all seemed to be moving on, moving past this incident, but Takaki was still flabbergasted by the complete breeze-over they’d done about Yuto’s-apparently different-sexuality. It didn’t bother him, so he didn’t want to make it a big deal, but he still wanted to know. Thankfully, Chinen piped up, and he wasn’t one to beat around the bush.
“So, you like guys now?” He asked, and Yuto blinked at him for a moment before falling into a very thoughtful expression.
“Huh.” He said, and a couple of them laughed. It was almost like he hadn’t thought to consider it. “I…”
He stood there a moment more, seemingly lost in thought, and when he spoke again his voice was softer and musing, as though he was thinking aloud.
“I mean… Girls.” He said, heavy emphasis on the word, tilting his head slightly to one side. “I definitely like girls. But also… I really liked that kiss. I like…” He kept trailing off, kept stopping and starting, obviously thinking through it. “I guess so, yeah. Yeah! I do.”
It was all Takaki had to keep his mouth from falling open. That was so… So casual. Did it not have to be a big deal? Did it not… Change everything? To see yourself in a different way?
Yuto did go through the next couple of days obviously lost in thought about it, but the self-discovery wasn’t in any way a private process; the next day they were in the middle of learning a new set of choreography, going through it count by count, when Yuto completely stopped where he was standing, dropped his arms, and let out a loud curse. The whole room turned to stare at him, but he was staring at Yamada.
“Are… You alright?” Yamada asked, noticing the look. Yuto’s mouth was open, slightly slack with surprise.
“I had a crush on you!” He exclaimed, pointing. “When I was a kid!”
Yamada’s mouth dropped open too. “Seriously?”
“Is that why you two were so insufferable back then?” Chinen asked, his eyebrows raised. “Is that what romance does to people?”
“It is.” Inoo said, his voice slightly lowered, and while Chinen laughed, Takaki felt something in his gut twist a little. “Consider yourself lucky, Chinen.”
“Trust me, I do.” Chinen answered. The confession didn’t seem to make things awkward in the slightest, Yamada asking him questions about the past crush, Yuto answering them openly, both of them incredulous. Seeing all of it, and seeing the group be so unbothered by it all, did make Takaki relax a bit. He let himself think about Inoo more, and think about his feelings, instead of just letting his mind wander there when he was about to drift off to sleep. Because it wasn’t as though he didn’t want to have these feelings; he just wanted the feelings to be okay. To feel okay. To not scare him so much.
However, as was bound to happen, he had an epiphany at nearly midnight when he was waking up early the next morning, and really should be sleeping instead. He shot straight up as though waking from a dream, the haze of sleep gone from his brain. Straight people probably didn’t have to work this hard--as hard as he was working--to convince themselves that they were straight.
It felt a bit like an earth-shattering revelation, and felt a bit like simply realizing he was a giant idiot, but then again, that was what most epiphanies were.
On his next day off, Takaki decided he was going to dig a little deeper. He wasn’t expecting any visitors but he triple-checked his front door anyway to make sure it was locked, drawing the blinds, feeling incredibly awkward as he sat down on his couch and opened up his laptop.
So, he wasn’t straight. And he liked Inoo. And he liked doing… Physical things with Inoo. And Inoo was a guy, so… He liked doing physical things with guys. And, following all of that logic--logic that, to him, felt extremely sound all the way around--he should like seeing guys do physical things to each other. Right?
Wanting, finding, and watching porn was not a new concept to Takaki. He did it less often now than he had when he was younger, when he’d just gotten an apartment all to himself and didn’t have someone that he was making out with on a regular basis, but still. He had what he liked to watch, and websites that he liked to go to.
This search was going to be entirely new territory. Were there… Keywords he needed to use? Keywords he needed to avoid? Takaki’s first instinct when feeling this clueless about any problem had always been to ask for help, but he didn’t want to call anyone about this. Not even Inoo. Even though Inoo could probably give him some actual advice.
Inoo probably did this, Takaki realized, probably watched the porn that Takaki was searching for and… Well, did what people did when they watched porn. That mental image wasn’t one he’d anticipated, was not the way he’d expected his brain to go, so he shook off the thought as best he could. It did, though, give him the motivation he needed to begin typing in the search bar.
It was a lot easier than Takaki expected to find gay porn. It caught him off guard, how quickly he was expected to actually choose a video to watch, and for a moment he didn’t know what to do. Finally, he just clicked on one.
Well, not quite. There’d been a little bit of thought put into it; none of the men in the thumbnail had been particularly buff and muscular, and the title had seemed rather tame. He frowned at the terrible acting and vague, slightly nonsensical dialogue, but an extremely weak attempt at plot wasn’t at all exclusive to gay porn-it was all stuff he’d seen before-and the men began kissing. Things escalated rather quickly after that.
Maybe it was just that he felt awkward, or wasn’t particularly in the mood, but-while very unable to look away-Takaki didn’t manage to get very turned on, either. Some parts of it had been good, sure, but that had been outweighed by how... Awkward it had seemed, and how foreign it was, some of the close-up shots looking so uncomfortable that he’d leaned away from the screen. One of the guys had been very whiny, the other not doing much more than muttering the same couple of phrases over and over again, and Takaki realized that if he was criticizing the “chemistry” between two porn actors, he felt it safe to say that he hadn’t been into it.
He didn’t think he could sit through another video, closing the tab. So. He hadn’t liked it. That didn’t bode well.
He tried to think over the parts, the parts that he’d found himself more into, but the whole thing was making him feel weird, and he quickly went instead to the list of feel-good movies-a different kind of feel-good movie-that he kept on his laptop.
If there was anything he liked but wouldn’t admit to, it was girly romance chick flicks. They just made him feel nice, and they were cute, and the couple was always happy at the end. The next one on his list was Kimi ni Todoke, one he’d been excited about, interested in seeing Miura Haruma in a movie.
He was about halfway through the movie, the porn incident in the back of his mind, when Takaki realized that the actual plot of the movie was in the back of his mind too. He wasn’t paying anything any attention, all of him completely focused on just watching Miura Haruma instead.
Looking at him brought Takaki back to his Gokusen days. It had been almost overwhelming, having to act opposite of someone so talented, someone who already had ten years of experience in television shows and movies, despite being a month younger than Takaki himself. But Haruma had been very nice, and fun to be around, Takaki always happy to see him, excited to work with him, even on long days and during night shoots. It had been captivating, when they filmed the fight scenes and Haruma would get in his face, grabbing at his shirt collar and pulling him close. The first couple of times they’d done scenes like that, the director had called for a cut, just to remind Takaki that he was supposed to look tough and mean and like he hated Haruma's character's guts.
Takaki had passed the fluttery feelings off completely as nerves, and while doubtlessly, some of them were, he was having the realization that some of them probably weren’t, too. It might not have been a strong crush, or even a very personal one, but it had been there.
The movie went on, now nearly completely forgotten, as Takaki began making a mental list of all of the men in his life that he’d found particularly attractive, past the standard “nice to look at.'' Men that, if the opportunity presented itself, he probably wouldn’t mind getting physical with. Some of the people on that list weren’t surprising, and some of them were-and one of them was Yamada’s dad, something Takaki would definitely have to re-examine some other time-but the length of the list was what was most unexpected. He’d been so caught up on Inoo, he’d convinced himself that Inoo was the only one.
Apparently, that wasn’t the case. Apparently, he actually liked guys. And, after he managed to turn his attention back to the movie, if he swooned whenever Haruma said something cute to the love interest girl, then that was his business.
The release date for JUMP’s fourth album was coming at them fast, the group having to work long days to get ready for it in time. They fell into a familiar pattern of collectively getting tired but powering through, taking turns encouraging each other and bringing the mood back up. The most fun part of the entire process was filming the music video for the album’s promotional song Kira Kira Hikare, spending the day goofing off and playing games. Inoo, however, seemed very tired, maybe not physically but definitely mentally, Takaki pulling him aside while the rest of the group was distracted, a hand on his arm.
“You alright?” He couldn’t help but ask, feeling too worried to leave the issue alone. Inoo raised his eyebrows in surprise.
“What?”
“What do you mean, what? Am I not allowed to care about you?” Takaki asked back, feeling a little indignant about how bewildering Inoo found his concern. He gave Inoo’s bicep a squeeze. “Because I do.”
Inoo’s face broke out into a smile at that, and his whole body relaxed, his eyes closing, his shoulders slumping, bowing his head to rest it against Takaki’s shoulder. Takaki couldn’t help himself, reaching up to tuck a bit of Inoo’s hair behind his ear, but at his touch Inoo drew back.
“I just didn’t realize you’d noticed, that’s all.” He said. “I’m fine.” Takaki was glad to see that it was true, that both Inoo’s tone and his expression-the smile from the moment before had faded slightly, but it was still there-were genuine. “Just didn’t sleep well last night.”
“Okay.” Takaki said, not wanting to press the issue, and Inoo looked at him for a moment. Takaki wondered briefly if Inoo was thinking about kissing him, because that was all Takaki wanted him to do, but Inoo didn’t lean even a centimeter closer. His expression brightened a bit instead, touching his fingertips to the hand Takaki had on his bicep. So Takaki let him go, Inoo leaving to go over to Daiki instead; Daiki and Yuto had somehow managed to drag at least half of the group into whatever stupidity they had going on. It was doubtlessly hilarious, Takaki considering joining them when he noticed Keito out of the corner of his eye. Keito was simply standing there, but he had obviously caught the interaction between Takaki and Inoo, a small smile on his face that was so telling that Takaki felt embarrassed. Because Keito knew.
Keito knew, and Keito seemed happy; happy for them, happy about them. Would the group be happy if they all found out? Would it be okay, the two of them allowed to openly date and be together around the rest of the members? They probably still wouldn’t have been able to kiss just now, with cameras following them through the making process of the music video, but they would be okay to do so during practice days, to hold hands and hug and lean into each other when the group was all together. The thought of it was appealing, Takaki able to see why Inoo no longer wanted to hide.
The thought of coming out to them all, however, was incredibly daunting. It was still scary, causing a strange panic to rise high in his chest when he considered it, despite now knowing that the members wouldn’t care. He knew they would be kind and even encouraging, but still. He just didn’t feel ready.
Besides, what if he and Inoo dated, and then broke up and everything was awful? Would they be pressured into being perfect and making it work, because they were in the same group? Or would the members be against the relationship for the same reason? It was all a confusing twist of what-ifs, and in the past Takaki had proven good about not letting hypotheticals bother him, but for some reason this was a fear he couldn’t shake. He tried to stay away from Inoo, to keep himself from doing anything that would make Keito eye them again, and ended up attracting the attention of someone else.
Maybe he’d overdone it, by point-blank refusing to join Inoo in the recording room for their unit song Pet Shop Love Motion like Yuto was doing with Chinen. He liked the song, he liked the song a lot actually, with its cute theme and cute lyrics, but when he refused the invitation and requested his own recording room to sing in, Yuto’s eyes went very narrow, a glint to them that Takaki immediately knew meant nothing good. He was waiting for some confrontation about it and it came sooner than he expected, Yuto stopping him from leaving the recording studio that day by grabbing Takaki’s bag before Takaki could get to it himself.
Takaki knew full well that he wouldn’t be able to win a game of keep-away against Yuto--the kid was too tall--so he didn’t even try.
“What?”
“Are you in a bad mood?”
The question caught Takaki off guard. “...no?” He said, confused now.
“Then what’s up with you?”
“I really don’t know what you mean.”
Yuto frowned at him.
“Is this about the recording thing today?” Takaki asked. “It’s really not a big deal, okay? I just wanted to record by myself.”
“I mean maybe, but you’ve been mean to Inoo lately.”
“I’m not mean to Inoo.”
“You’re being weird around him.”
“I’m not being weird.” This was going nowhere, and Takaki wanted to go home. He made a grab for his bag but Yuto jumped back a step and held it up over his head, so Takaki dropped his arm and sighed. He fell back on his old excuse. “Inoo and I just have never been that close, okay? It’s really not a big deal.”
If Takaki hadn’t liked the glint in Yuto’s eye before, he certainly didn’t like the look he had on his face now. But Yuto gave him his bag back and let him leave, so Takaki tried not to read too much into it.
Recording for the JUMPing CAR album was finished by the end of the week. They were all there for the last day of recording, talking over the final takes, the option open to record again anything that they weren’t happy with. As the meeting was coming to a close, Yuto, who had been talking quietly with Inoo the entire time, got up and left the room, Inoo following after him. When the meeting was over and Takaki had gotten to his feet, Keito approached him, frowning.
“Did you see where Yuto went?”
Takaki should have seen it coming, he thought; he knew what Keito looked like when he was acting and when he was genuinely concerned, but he himself was so preoccupied with where Inoo had gotten to that he was distracted enough to agree to help Keito find him; Yuto and Inoo had left together, so they were probably in the same place, right?
Takaki knew the recording studio pretty well at this point, checking doors on one side of the hallway as Keito looked down the other. There was a small closet up ahead, the door slightly ajar, Takaki approaching it with a sigh already in his chest.
“Yuto!” Keito called out, Takaki not realizing until it was too late that the name had been an exclamation, not a question. He rounded the corner of the closet door, then felt two hands on his back, shoving him inside. The door slammed behind him.
“What the--?!” The curses on his lips didn’t have time to come out as Takaki fell onto someone, both himself and the other person crashing into the back wall.
“I--what--Takaki?”
The voice was recognizable immediately, even in the dark and small space, but even so, a light clicked on a second later, dim and yellow.
“Inoo? What are you doing in here?”
“I could ask you the same question.” Inoo said, looking equally surprised.
“I’m here because someone pushed me! You were already in here!”
“I decided I wanted to come out of the closet again.”
Despite his confusion, Takaki couldn’t help but laugh at that, Inoo angling his face down and laughing as well.
“But really, Yuto asked me if I wanted to help him prank Keito. I was just going to jump out of the closet and scare him. It was stupid, but it seemed like it would be funny.” Inoo shrugged. “Besides, Yuto said he would film it, so it could go on the Making DVD.” He leaned against the back wall, fixing Takaki with a look. “Why are you here?”
“Keito asked me to help him look for Yuto. I came to look in the closet, and somebody pushed me.”
“Wait.” A contemplative frown was growing on Inoo’s face. “If Yuto set me up, and Keito set you up, then…”
Takaki realized what Inoo was saying, both of them coming to the same conclusion at the same moment, rushing the door. The handle turned, but the wood wouldn’t budge.
“Let us out!” Takaki yelled, pounding on the door.
“No!” Yuto yelled back. His voice was muffled, but so close that Takaki guessed he was probably holding the door closed. If it had just been him, Takaki would’ve tried overpowering him and pushing the door open, especially with Inoo’s help, but they were out of luck with Keito’s muscles added to the equation.
“What the hell is this?” Takaki asked.
“You guys have been fighting!” Yuto declared. “And you need to talk it out. This is what Chinen did with me and Ryosuke, and we’re best friends now. So I’m sure it’ll work.”
“Why does he think we’ve been fighting?” Inoo asked. Takaki was about to tell him about the conversation he and Yuto had had earlier in the week, interrupted by his phone buzzing. He had a text message from Keito, Inoo looking over his shoulder to read it as well.
Yuto asked me what was wrong after I accidentally walked in on the two of you, and I didn’t know what to say, so I said I’d seen you fighting with each other. I’m sorry!
“Well.” Inoo’s voice had a dry tone to it. “Usually when a kid walks in on two adults ‘fighting’, they’ve gotten a little further along than we had.”
If Takaki had been drinking water in that moment, he would have spit it out.
“Let us out!” Takaki demanded again.
“I will!” Yuto’s voice sounded farther away now. “Don’t worry, I’ll come back for you guys.”
This door didn’t have a lock on it; if Yuto was walking away, they should be able to get out. Turning the knob, Takaki pushed on the door again. Again, it didn’t budge.
“What-?” He started, but Inoo pointed to the floor. Shoved in the crack between the bottom of the door and the floor were four wedge-shaped door stops, keeping the door closed. Takaki tried to kick at one, but it was too thin, his foot slipping. He kicked the door instead, a spike of pain shooting through his foot.
“Don’t hurt yourself.” Inoo said, leaning back against the far wall again and watching Takaki wince and grab at his foot. He seemed completely resigned to being locked in the closet, so Takaki tried to relax too, at least a little. “I guess we’re stuck, for a while.”
Takaki nodded back, and silence permeated the tiny space, Inoo resting against the wall, his posture casual, Takaki standing there, holding his foot. Which felt stupid, so he put his foot back down. They were stuck there, and it wasn’t like Takaki didn’t want to talk to Inoo. He just had to think of something to say.