hollamadolla
well its strange to post when nothing serious has been going on in my life-- but are any of these posts significant in any way? i thought not.
this is a long entry so don't read it if you don't really give a shit
i havent seen eric at all which is weird, except at this show i went to that he played at. i think i might go to another show of his on thursday but i dont know. he goes crazy at those shows, its a side of him i never expected to see because he's kind of a subdued person when he's not dancing around like a maniac and doing pushups on the floor as a form of dance. whatever.
i had a really bad night the other night and here's why. i have a serious problem that i need to start thinking about, i smoke every day. and now, at this point, i've smoked almost every day for a year. i've probably taken a total of 8 days in the past year not smoking. the other night i decided i needed to not smoke. i did stupid shit and i felt really bad about it and then i just was so sad the whole fucking night because i couldnt handle the outpour of emotions that has been so absent since i started smoking pot. everytime i approach a delicate or emotionally taxing situation, my excuse to get out of it is smoking pot. for example, the whole thing with eric was so distant to me because i never gave a shit about myself. i was just like "whatever he can do what he wants with me" and i never thought of myself. the truth of the matter is that i AM lonely and i shouldn't have taken that situation for granted. this whole lack of emotion thing is a really good way for me to lose friends and lose myself. i cannot fathom how many people i've lost maybe not as a result of smoking, but in the year i have been smoking. obviously theres a connection, i need to figure it out. i need to sit down after a couple days of not smoking and map out this shit because i DO miss my old life where i didn't depend on anything.
i think it has a lot to do with the fact that i lost pat. after marianna left over the summer, it was harder than i imagined it would be. she's so good to me, and she understands me--the same way i felt about pat. i allowed myself to become dependant on a drug. then, i lost pat. that was so ridiculously hard on me that i didnt know how to handle it. i just put it in the back of my mind, and i didn't think about it, and i didn't think about how much i depended on him. however, my goal in life has been to be independednt and not have to depend on ANYONE. in turn, its made me dependant on a drug that i now have a massive problem controlling. i haven't spoken to or seen pat in months. i speak to his girlfriend (who i wasnt even friends with before) more than i speak to him. i talk to her basically to make sure he's doing well and that he is living his life to the fullest, because for gods sake i know i'm not. i'm addicted to a drug that is making my life so blank and boring and emotionless. thats not me! that isnt how i am supposed to be feeling. i want to say that losing pat made me smoke more than i had in the past. i think thats the point at which i started to smoke every day without fail. since then, i've taken very few days off. i miss pat more than he will ever know, my best friend of 12 years disappeared.
i thought about him a lot the other night when i didn;t smoke. i can't believe how different i am when i dont smoke. i'm on all these rx drugs and they have stopped working because i smoke so much. i think he is the reason i've felt so alone this past year. in like 3 months, i will not have seen pat for a year. thats ludicrous, i used to see him, or at least talk to him while i'm in mass every day. thats over i guess.
good news- i didn;t smoke yesterday and i was ok. i think its because i kept myself occupied and i fell asleep at 8 pm. i'm gonna try to go today without smoking too, but its going to be hard and taxing. the only way to fix this problem is to self-motivate and tell myself that i don't need pot to stay alive. because, i guess for the last year, i have needed it to survive. it took me a year to get over a 2 year relationship with a crappy boyfriend. how long would it take me to get over pat? 6 years? thats bullshit. i haven;t dealt with the problem because i'm so emotionally blank at this point.
after this weekend, i'm thinking about just flushing my pot and not smoking for a couple of weeks. dan, alex, and dustin are coming this weekend which is so good, i miss them, i miss alex-she;s been my girl through the whole pat thing and one of my best friends that has been more reliable than alot of my friends who abandoned me in the past year. and dan-- i get to see him. wow. he's coming to see me. so i'm planning on smoking this weekend, no doubt, but i'd like to try to stop after that and start living my life again, even if it result in lying in bed 14 hours a day feel;ing sorry for myself, because at least i won't be smoking my problems away. i'm so excited for this weekend. i love those 3, we've really been a tight clique at home, and at least two of us are always together and being happy with each other. i need people like them to reassure me that i'm doing something right in my life.
everyone has been telling me "you really have your shit togehter", in terms of doing ficom, the play, my homework, giving my friends here advice and stuff like that. i don't have my shit together, i'm just a liar to everyone and i'm addicted to drugs.
this is a long entry so don't read it if you don't really give a shit
i havent seen eric at all which is weird, except at this show i went to that he played at. i think i might go to another show of his on thursday but i dont know. he goes crazy at those shows, its a side of him i never expected to see because he's kind of a subdued person when he's not dancing around like a maniac and doing pushups on the floor as a form of dance. whatever.
i had a really bad night the other night and here's why. i have a serious problem that i need to start thinking about, i smoke every day. and now, at this point, i've smoked almost every day for a year. i've probably taken a total of 8 days in the past year not smoking. the other night i decided i needed to not smoke. i did stupid shit and i felt really bad about it and then i just was so sad the whole fucking night because i couldnt handle the outpour of emotions that has been so absent since i started smoking pot. everytime i approach a delicate or emotionally taxing situation, my excuse to get out of it is smoking pot. for example, the whole thing with eric was so distant to me because i never gave a shit about myself. i was just like "whatever he can do what he wants with me" and i never thought of myself. the truth of the matter is that i AM lonely and i shouldn't have taken that situation for granted. this whole lack of emotion thing is a really good way for me to lose friends and lose myself. i cannot fathom how many people i've lost maybe not as a result of smoking, but in the year i have been smoking. obviously theres a connection, i need to figure it out. i need to sit down after a couple days of not smoking and map out this shit because i DO miss my old life where i didn't depend on anything.
i think it has a lot to do with the fact that i lost pat. after marianna left over the summer, it was harder than i imagined it would be. she's so good to me, and she understands me--the same way i felt about pat. i allowed myself to become dependant on a drug. then, i lost pat. that was so ridiculously hard on me that i didnt know how to handle it. i just put it in the back of my mind, and i didn't think about it, and i didn't think about how much i depended on him. however, my goal in life has been to be independednt and not have to depend on ANYONE. in turn, its made me dependant on a drug that i now have a massive problem controlling. i haven't spoken to or seen pat in months. i speak to his girlfriend (who i wasnt even friends with before) more than i speak to him. i talk to her basically to make sure he's doing well and that he is living his life to the fullest, because for gods sake i know i'm not. i'm addicted to a drug that is making my life so blank and boring and emotionless. thats not me! that isnt how i am supposed to be feeling. i want to say that losing pat made me smoke more than i had in the past. i think thats the point at which i started to smoke every day without fail. since then, i've taken very few days off. i miss pat more than he will ever know, my best friend of 12 years disappeared.
i thought about him a lot the other night when i didn;t smoke. i can't believe how different i am when i dont smoke. i'm on all these rx drugs and they have stopped working because i smoke so much. i think he is the reason i've felt so alone this past year. in like 3 months, i will not have seen pat for a year. thats ludicrous, i used to see him, or at least talk to him while i'm in mass every day. thats over i guess.
good news- i didn;t smoke yesterday and i was ok. i think its because i kept myself occupied and i fell asleep at 8 pm. i'm gonna try to go today without smoking too, but its going to be hard and taxing. the only way to fix this problem is to self-motivate and tell myself that i don't need pot to stay alive. because, i guess for the last year, i have needed it to survive. it took me a year to get over a 2 year relationship with a crappy boyfriend. how long would it take me to get over pat? 6 years? thats bullshit. i haven;t dealt with the problem because i'm so emotionally blank at this point.
after this weekend, i'm thinking about just flushing my pot and not smoking for a couple of weeks. dan, alex, and dustin are coming this weekend which is so good, i miss them, i miss alex-she;s been my girl through the whole pat thing and one of my best friends that has been more reliable than alot of my friends who abandoned me in the past year. and dan-- i get to see him. wow. he's coming to see me. so i'm planning on smoking this weekend, no doubt, but i'd like to try to stop after that and start living my life again, even if it result in lying in bed 14 hours a day feel;ing sorry for myself, because at least i won't be smoking my problems away. i'm so excited for this weekend. i love those 3, we've really been a tight clique at home, and at least two of us are always together and being happy with each other. i need people like them to reassure me that i'm doing something right in my life.
everyone has been telling me "you really have your shit togehter", in terms of doing ficom, the play, my homework, giving my friends here advice and stuff like that. i don't have my shit together, i'm just a liar to everyone and i'm addicted to drugs.