The joys of picking up
You know i was thinking to myself, how hard it is for a guy to pick up. Its to be honest a right fucking bitch. Lets break it down:
9pm: Drinks with friends at home and feed. Talk about plans of action for the night.
Cost: $30
State of mind: Sober but getting slightly tipsy.
1030pm: Head out to the clubs and pubs to meet potential ladies.
Cost: $15 taxi fare
State of mind: Drunk
1130pm: In night clubs, see potential girl on dance floor.
Cost: Nothing at this stage.
State of mind: Invincible
1135pm: After an intense 5 minute ass grinding session you manage to coherently piece 3 sentences together to bring her back to the bar to buy more drinks.
Cost: $50 (2 jager bombs/tequila shots/bourban and cokes etc) PLUS drinks for friends to avoid cock blocking antics.
State of mind: World blurring slightly at edge of vision. Feeling confident much similiar to a peacock on display during mating season.
1140pm: Offer her to buy more drinks
Cost: $25 (2 more shots)
State of mind: Like a hybrid of David Hasselhoff and Fabio with John Holmes in the Bedroom.
1145pm: See above
1230am: Whisper seductively in her ear that you should go somewhere more private. She is drunk and semi conscious and agrees like you had just whispered the first 3 sonnets of shakespeare to her from the ground to her balcony window.
Cost: $25 (Taxi fare)
State of mind: Conan the barbarian in the playboy mansion.
State of Body: Fatigued, alcohol levels lowering rapidly, tiredness kicking in but energy levels still high.
2am: Finally reach home where rapid disrobing of clothes begin.
Cost: Sweeet nothing. Unless she is a prostitute.
State of mind: That black man on viagra in a room full of naked women scene.
State of body: Hangover kicking in. Body clock shutdown countdown begins. Max 2 hour battery life remaining.
215am: Girl is not sure about having sex and wants to talk about feelings.
Cost: Might not be a good idea to bribe at this stage to further your cause...
State of mind: Desperately trying to recall hostage negotiation scenes from action movies where hero manages to talk criminals out of committing crime.... With a Desert eagle.
State of body: Hangover in full swing. Feeling reflux symptoms from drinks and food. Nausea from excessive alcohol. Room starting to spin slightly. Max 1.5hr battery life.
245am: Girl finally agrees to continue on with the sex. She slurs seductively that she is ready and if you have a condom.
Cost: $12 for the packet of condoms u had purchased earlier 12 months ago.
State of mind: Angelic voices sing and float around with harps as you envisage the garden of eden opening in front of you in a blazing light.
State of Body: Numb. 1.2hrs battery life left.
300am: Finally find condom amongst ham in wallet and manage to half roll it onto throbbing member.
Cost: Lose 3pts in coolness factor over lack of direction in finding condom and managing to get it onto penis.
State of mind: Restless.
State of body: Who the fuck cares? YOUR ABOUT TO FINALLY GET SOME PUSS-Y! CLEAR OUT THE COBWEBS! GET SOME HAM!
301am: Realise that the condom takes away 90% of your sensitivity.
Cost: Your reputation if you dont stay hard. Nothing worse than a dud root.
State of mind: Panic. Desperately conjuring up images of pornographic films, pictures, anything to keep the blood flowing to your ailing soldier.
State of Body: Flesh is weakening. Battery life lost exponentially. 45 minutes Battery life left,
305am: Increase the speed of your ravaging to maintain ailing erection. Lack of fitness results in a stitch in side after 3 minutes of jackhammering.
Cost: Reputation is on the line. Its do or die.
State of mind: Lance armstrong doing the tour de france. Just keep on trucking.
State of Body: Stitch in side. Short of breath. Loss of sensation below waist. Reflux, Nausea, dizziness, tiredness. Battery life 30 minutes remaining.
315am: Girl is writhing underneath in wat appears to be pleasure. Little moans of pleasure (or pain) escape from her mouth. She seems to be enjoying it until you explode a half hearted orgasm. Your penis instantly collapses.
Cost: You did it! your reputation is intact! you stayed hard and u did the hard yards.
State of mind: Elation, and mental fatigue.
State of Body: Short of breath, intense feeling of tiredness post orgasm, Reflux, Nausea, Dizziness, Fatigue. Battery life 10 minutes.
320am: Girl complains that she didnt get to finish her orgasm. Expecting you to do the hard yards to get her there.
Cost: Possible raising status of reputation.
State of mind: Thinking about female anatomy, fighting tiredness back while at the same time weighing up pro's and cons.
State of Body: Are you fucking serious? No way in hell am i moving.
325am: Half heartedly use ur hands to locate clitoris to begin stimulation to bring to orgasm girl.
Cost: So not worth it. You could be sleeping right now.
State of mind: Factories, machinery, pistons.
State of body: Like a kenyan runner running the tour de france
400am: Girl FINALLY orgasms. Body collapses in puddle of sweat and jelly as girl tries to cuddle post coitally.
Cost: Too much. Waaay too much.
State of mind: .......
State of Body: Please wait, hibernation mode activated. Imminent shutdown in 5,4,3,2.......
9pm: Drinks with friends at home and feed. Talk about plans of action for the night.
Cost: $30
State of mind: Sober but getting slightly tipsy.
1030pm: Head out to the clubs and pubs to meet potential ladies.
Cost: $15 taxi fare
State of mind: Drunk
1130pm: In night clubs, see potential girl on dance floor.
Cost: Nothing at this stage.
State of mind: Invincible
1135pm: After an intense 5 minute ass grinding session you manage to coherently piece 3 sentences together to bring her back to the bar to buy more drinks.
Cost: $50 (2 jager bombs/tequila shots/bourban and cokes etc) PLUS drinks for friends to avoid cock blocking antics.
State of mind: World blurring slightly at edge of vision. Feeling confident much similiar to a peacock on display during mating season.
1140pm: Offer her to buy more drinks
Cost: $25 (2 more shots)
State of mind: Like a hybrid of David Hasselhoff and Fabio with John Holmes in the Bedroom.
1145pm: See above
1230am: Whisper seductively in her ear that you should go somewhere more private. She is drunk and semi conscious and agrees like you had just whispered the first 3 sonnets of shakespeare to her from the ground to her balcony window.
Cost: $25 (Taxi fare)
State of mind: Conan the barbarian in the playboy mansion.
State of Body: Fatigued, alcohol levels lowering rapidly, tiredness kicking in but energy levels still high.
2am: Finally reach home where rapid disrobing of clothes begin.
Cost: Sweeet nothing. Unless she is a prostitute.
State of mind: That black man on viagra in a room full of naked women scene.
State of body: Hangover kicking in. Body clock shutdown countdown begins. Max 2 hour battery life remaining.
215am: Girl is not sure about having sex and wants to talk about feelings.
Cost: Might not be a good idea to bribe at this stage to further your cause...
State of mind: Desperately trying to recall hostage negotiation scenes from action movies where hero manages to talk criminals out of committing crime.... With a Desert eagle.
State of body: Hangover in full swing. Feeling reflux symptoms from drinks and food. Nausea from excessive alcohol. Room starting to spin slightly. Max 1.5hr battery life.
245am: Girl finally agrees to continue on with the sex. She slurs seductively that she is ready and if you have a condom.
Cost: $12 for the packet of condoms u had purchased earlier 12 months ago.
State of mind: Angelic voices sing and float around with harps as you envisage the garden of eden opening in front of you in a blazing light.
State of Body: Numb. 1.2hrs battery life left.
300am: Finally find condom amongst ham in wallet and manage to half roll it onto throbbing member.
Cost: Lose 3pts in coolness factor over lack of direction in finding condom and managing to get it onto penis.
State of mind: Restless.
State of body: Who the fuck cares? YOUR ABOUT TO FINALLY GET SOME PUSS-Y! CLEAR OUT THE COBWEBS! GET SOME HAM!
301am: Realise that the condom takes away 90% of your sensitivity.
Cost: Your reputation if you dont stay hard. Nothing worse than a dud root.
State of mind: Panic. Desperately conjuring up images of pornographic films, pictures, anything to keep the blood flowing to your ailing soldier.
State of Body: Flesh is weakening. Battery life lost exponentially. 45 minutes Battery life left,
305am: Increase the speed of your ravaging to maintain ailing erection. Lack of fitness results in a stitch in side after 3 minutes of jackhammering.
Cost: Reputation is on the line. Its do or die.
State of mind: Lance armstrong doing the tour de france. Just keep on trucking.
State of Body: Stitch in side. Short of breath. Loss of sensation below waist. Reflux, Nausea, dizziness, tiredness. Battery life 30 minutes remaining.
315am: Girl is writhing underneath in wat appears to be pleasure. Little moans of pleasure (or pain) escape from her mouth. She seems to be enjoying it until you explode a half hearted orgasm. Your penis instantly collapses.
Cost: You did it! your reputation is intact! you stayed hard and u did the hard yards.
State of mind: Elation, and mental fatigue.
State of Body: Short of breath, intense feeling of tiredness post orgasm, Reflux, Nausea, Dizziness, Fatigue. Battery life 10 minutes.
320am: Girl complains that she didnt get to finish her orgasm. Expecting you to do the hard yards to get her there.
Cost: Possible raising status of reputation.
State of mind: Thinking about female anatomy, fighting tiredness back while at the same time weighing up pro's and cons.
State of Body: Are you fucking serious? No way in hell am i moving.
325am: Half heartedly use ur hands to locate clitoris to begin stimulation to bring to orgasm girl.
Cost: So not worth it. You could be sleeping right now.
State of mind: Factories, machinery, pistons.
State of body: Like a kenyan runner running the tour de france
400am: Girl FINALLY orgasms. Body collapses in puddle of sweat and jelly as girl tries to cuddle post coitally.
Cost: Too much. Waaay too much.
State of mind: .......
State of Body: Please wait, hibernation mode activated. Imminent shutdown in 5,4,3,2.......