...i'm not sure
i posted 3 xanga entries in a row about cory. well, so i dont annoy all those ppl, i'm going to leave one in here.
he almost broke up with me. partially b/c of the distance, yes, but mostly b/c of some retired therapist's advice based on his innate nature to revolve his life around women... me in particular.
and ppl why i dont like the advice of strangers. if he broke up with me, i would be drowning in pools of despair. i dont know what i would've done... i prolly would have just started throwing myself at guys who seemed mildly interested and let them do as they wished.... or i would've started cutting again. lol... it prolly would've been both.
i dont know how to deal with certain emotions, and i wouldn't have understood his reasoning if he broke up with me. mostly b/c it's something that doesn't need to be broken up over.
OK, big deal, he's in SC. i can wait for him... he's worth it. his problem is that, though he meant it, he said "i love you" too soon. yeah, well i meant it too. so we both have to restrain from saying it. i can handle that b/c i know how i feel and i know he feels it too. another issue was that he's not gonna be able to talk to me all the time cus he will be working like ALL the time. ok fine... that's what emails for, and so long as i hear from him once a week (preferably not the same day each week), i'll be able to deal with that too. the main thing was that he's making me his top priority. that's not my fault - but i was going to be punished b/c of it and he was gonna wait (on the advice of some random old lady walking a dog - the former therapist) til he got back to NY and we'd start dating again -- except i wouldn't have been able to handle the rejection - not after i'd finally found some one i could so completely care about. he's having trouble concentrating on work and he's getting all sorts of violently jealous b/c my ex is visiting this weekend and it's affecting him so badly he's worried that he won't be able to do his job(s) properly - he doesn't wanna fuck up his life again, he doesn't wanna make the same mistake.
but for that he was sincerely considering ending the relationship. cus apparently i dont think about him every free second of the day and i dont wanna talk to him every chance i get and i dont not to things i should be doing b/c of him. it hurts so much to feel this way. I want him to be a part of my life, and i'm working on removing him from being the focus. I told him to do the same and that if he didnt stop making me top priority, he'd do no good for either of us. for me, he's it... and i think i'm it for him too, but he does need to set his life straight. i understand that, and i'm willing to wait, so long as i'm not the last on his priority list... it should read something like this:
-work/make money
-pay off loans and debts
-settle differences (or try to) w/ppl(family)
-me
-come back to NY
-get a house, etc...
i completely understand what he needs to do, and i want him to be the best person he can be.
i don't know, i'm just really scared, despite my efforts and desire to make this work, that he won't put in the same effort and that he'll just give up when it gets a little too tough for 10 mins.
he told me i was his world, i told him i shouldn't be. i'm such a hypocrite b/c he is my world.
he almost broke up with me. partially b/c of the distance, yes, but mostly b/c of some retired therapist's advice based on his innate nature to revolve his life around women... me in particular.
and ppl why i dont like the advice of strangers. if he broke up with me, i would be drowning in pools of despair. i dont know what i would've done... i prolly would have just started throwing myself at guys who seemed mildly interested and let them do as they wished.... or i would've started cutting again. lol... it prolly would've been both.
i dont know how to deal with certain emotions, and i wouldn't have understood his reasoning if he broke up with me. mostly b/c it's something that doesn't need to be broken up over.
OK, big deal, he's in SC. i can wait for him... he's worth it. his problem is that, though he meant it, he said "i love you" too soon. yeah, well i meant it too. so we both have to restrain from saying it. i can handle that b/c i know how i feel and i know he feels it too. another issue was that he's not gonna be able to talk to me all the time cus he will be working like ALL the time. ok fine... that's what emails for, and so long as i hear from him once a week (preferably not the same day each week), i'll be able to deal with that too. the main thing was that he's making me his top priority. that's not my fault - but i was going to be punished b/c of it and he was gonna wait (on the advice of some random old lady walking a dog - the former therapist) til he got back to NY and we'd start dating again -- except i wouldn't have been able to handle the rejection - not after i'd finally found some one i could so completely care about. he's having trouble concentrating on work and he's getting all sorts of violently jealous b/c my ex is visiting this weekend and it's affecting him so badly he's worried that he won't be able to do his job(s) properly - he doesn't wanna fuck up his life again, he doesn't wanna make the same mistake.
but for that he was sincerely considering ending the relationship. cus apparently i dont think about him every free second of the day and i dont wanna talk to him every chance i get and i dont not to things i should be doing b/c of him. it hurts so much to feel this way. I want him to be a part of my life, and i'm working on removing him from being the focus. I told him to do the same and that if he didnt stop making me top priority, he'd do no good for either of us. for me, he's it... and i think i'm it for him too, but he does need to set his life straight. i understand that, and i'm willing to wait, so long as i'm not the last on his priority list... it should read something like this:
-work/make money
-pay off loans and debts
-settle differences (or try to) w/ppl(family)
-me
-come back to NY
-get a house, etc...
i completely understand what he needs to do, and i want him to be the best person he can be.
i don't know, i'm just really scared, despite my efforts and desire to make this work, that he won't put in the same effort and that he'll just give up when it gets a little too tough for 10 mins.
he told me i was his world, i told him i shouldn't be. i'm such a hypocrite b/c he is my world.