Maybe I'm amazed
So I'm still stuck on this song, it still makes me think of the girl that I just will never be with.
yea never say never right, I'm not a child anymore. I'm not ignorant. am I? I don't know
this song I want at my wedding. it is "Maybe I'm Amazed" by JEM. it's a Cover yes, but a good one you should check out (it's on Music From the O.C. Mix 2). It's a great love song, a perfect slow song for that first dance with a newly married future wife.
I don't know why I think this, guys don't think about this stuff.
so why am I.
it's not like my internal clock is ticking, is it?
I don't know.
anyhow she's singing about her lover and how he's the only one for her, and maybe that's why I like it.
maybe that's why I like it so much.
I want to be that guy she's singing about to someone.
someone as pretty and beautiful as well the girl I cannot be with.
She doesn't realize it but I would walk to and through the ends of the earth/world for her.
She doesn't even have to say anything to make me feel all warm and gushy and wussy inside.
UGH. it's been over a year I'm pretty certain.
I know at first I felt this way, but it's been so long I wonder if I've forgotten how to well love.
I've been snapping at my mom left and right, granted we're all under a lot of stress at home (and myself at work as well). with the move and everything.
I know out of all the things I could possibly do in my time off the only thing I really want to do is spend it with her, doing pretty much anything. grab a bite, a movie, have a night in enjoying a movie, a concert even. A museum even, anything. I just don't care anymore.
Why is it I always want what I cannot have. I want my father back, well that won't happen. I want to be rich and successful and able to provide everything my family wants and needs. I want to go back to school. I want to do what I like to do, and I want to do it all day. and when I get home at night I want to do the one thing I haven't done in so long. no not play world of warcraft.
I want to feel the warmth radiating from her next to me. I'm tired of being alone. I have been for most of my adult life. I've never really quite fit in. I'm eccentric. I was called eclectic the other day even.
I want to feel a sense of belonging. and I'm not talking about with god, or with the world, no nothing that big. just a sense of belonging.
Even hanging around my best friend doesn't feel right anymore, his girlfriend is always over and they're constantly messing around and shoving their great relationship in my face.
I see a million things that other guys do that I would never even dream of doing, with or to their significant other... is that it? am I supposed to be an asshole to people?
I have my moments but they are becoming much fewer and further in between. The repetitiveness of life is killing me ever so slowly. I need a change, I need it now, I need it badly.
my quit smoking date is set at november 11th. it's my cousin's baby mama's wedding shower and the guys are going to go off and do our own thing (I'm betting alcohol will be involved).
I need a spiritual, mental, and physical epiphany right now. I'm young and I won't be young for ever I need to see the world and form my ideals.
I'm starting to give up on love.
and that is depressing me even more. I've always feared that I'm destined to become some kind of hermit, with no loved ones.
I am beginning to accept the fact that if I don't create a change in my lifestyle and habits, that the best thing I can hope for is for it all to come crashing down like the house of cards that it is and just end.
I wish I was a happier person.
but whenever I happen to be happy there is always something or someone to crush those feelings fast and hard, sometimes even myself.
The saying goes: "Life is what you make it." right, so that's all fine and dandy, but no one tells you how to actually make it happy.
oh go to church, find a girlfriend, or hobby. no thanks on church, I just can't take the holier than thou people. girlfriend? hah believe me I've tried to be happy with mediocre relationships. but I can't be. I mus be an elitist asshole for wanting better, for knowing I deserve better.
it's this nagging voice telling me you can have better when you are physically better.
I'm trying to start working on that, No more fast food. no more Soda. I need to start waking up earlier and walking, and then running. maybe that would have a positive effect on my outlook. People tell me it would. but what they don't tell you is that it's fucking simple to tell someone that but to actually do it is entirely another thing.
It's like when I went to a gym and there are dozens of attractive and fit people there already, and they all give me the evil eye for trying to better myself. The look that says why are you here, why are you looking at me, I'm beautiful I can stare if I want to, and you're hideous and shouldn't even be here. kind of look.
people make me feel like I'm girl crazy, but I'm not! it's nice not having a girlfriend, my money is all my own, which means it's actually all going to pay my bills and that's it, not presents to myself, no splurging. pay the bills, work day in and day out, all week long, just to pay someone else for what!? sitting at a desk somewhere else calling people up telling them they owe money.
I paid my credit card debt off (from like 5 years ago) about 2 weeks ago now: I still haven't received a letter from that law office clearing me. I'm starting to think it was a scam. and if so I'm royal fucking pissed off. if the letter I'm expecting doesn't come in by next week I am going to be making some calls and cussing some heads off.
this entry is a novel. and no one reads my novels.
just as well though. I'm at work and wishing something would happen that would send me home. I've been doing the same shit every day, saying the same shit, every day. I'm not cut out for this same shit different day thing. I need something different. from day to day.
Ruts are not good for me.
I'm starting to wonder if I have some form of A.D.D.
And here I sit, not even 3:00 yet and all I can think about is getting out of this place. but why? I'm just going to go home and do the same damn thing I do usually.
I wish just once I could come home to loving arms, and a warm embrace.
yea never say never right, I'm not a child anymore. I'm not ignorant. am I? I don't know
this song I want at my wedding. it is "Maybe I'm Amazed" by JEM. it's a Cover yes, but a good one you should check out (it's on Music From the O.C. Mix 2). It's a great love song, a perfect slow song for that first dance with a newly married future wife.
I don't know why I think this, guys don't think about this stuff.
so why am I.
it's not like my internal clock is ticking, is it?
I don't know.
anyhow she's singing about her lover and how he's the only one for her, and maybe that's why I like it.
maybe that's why I like it so much.
I want to be that guy she's singing about to someone.
someone as pretty and beautiful as well the girl I cannot be with.
She doesn't realize it but I would walk to and through the ends of the earth/world for her.
She doesn't even have to say anything to make me feel all warm and gushy and wussy inside.
UGH. it's been over a year I'm pretty certain.
I know at first I felt this way, but it's been so long I wonder if I've forgotten how to well love.
I've been snapping at my mom left and right, granted we're all under a lot of stress at home (and myself at work as well). with the move and everything.
I know out of all the things I could possibly do in my time off the only thing I really want to do is spend it with her, doing pretty much anything. grab a bite, a movie, have a night in enjoying a movie, a concert even. A museum even, anything. I just don't care anymore.
Why is it I always want what I cannot have. I want my father back, well that won't happen. I want to be rich and successful and able to provide everything my family wants and needs. I want to go back to school. I want to do what I like to do, and I want to do it all day. and when I get home at night I want to do the one thing I haven't done in so long. no not play world of warcraft.
I want to feel the warmth radiating from her next to me. I'm tired of being alone. I have been for most of my adult life. I've never really quite fit in. I'm eccentric. I was called eclectic the other day even.
I want to feel a sense of belonging. and I'm not talking about with god, or with the world, no nothing that big. just a sense of belonging.
Even hanging around my best friend doesn't feel right anymore, his girlfriend is always over and they're constantly messing around and shoving their great relationship in my face.
I see a million things that other guys do that I would never even dream of doing, with or to their significant other... is that it? am I supposed to be an asshole to people?
I have my moments but they are becoming much fewer and further in between. The repetitiveness of life is killing me ever so slowly. I need a change, I need it now, I need it badly.
my quit smoking date is set at november 11th. it's my cousin's baby mama's wedding shower and the guys are going to go off and do our own thing (I'm betting alcohol will be involved).
I need a spiritual, mental, and physical epiphany right now. I'm young and I won't be young for ever I need to see the world and form my ideals.
I'm starting to give up on love.
and that is depressing me even more. I've always feared that I'm destined to become some kind of hermit, with no loved ones.
I am beginning to accept the fact that if I don't create a change in my lifestyle and habits, that the best thing I can hope for is for it all to come crashing down like the house of cards that it is and just end.
I wish I was a happier person.
but whenever I happen to be happy there is always something or someone to crush those feelings fast and hard, sometimes even myself.
The saying goes: "Life is what you make it." right, so that's all fine and dandy, but no one tells you how to actually make it happy.
oh go to church, find a girlfriend, or hobby. no thanks on church, I just can't take the holier than thou people. girlfriend? hah believe me I've tried to be happy with mediocre relationships. but I can't be. I mus be an elitist asshole for wanting better, for knowing I deserve better.
it's this nagging voice telling me you can have better when you are physically better.
I'm trying to start working on that, No more fast food. no more Soda. I need to start waking up earlier and walking, and then running. maybe that would have a positive effect on my outlook. People tell me it would. but what they don't tell you is that it's fucking simple to tell someone that but to actually do it is entirely another thing.
It's like when I went to a gym and there are dozens of attractive and fit people there already, and they all give me the evil eye for trying to better myself. The look that says why are you here, why are you looking at me, I'm beautiful I can stare if I want to, and you're hideous and shouldn't even be here. kind of look.
people make me feel like I'm girl crazy, but I'm not! it's nice not having a girlfriend, my money is all my own, which means it's actually all going to pay my bills and that's it, not presents to myself, no splurging. pay the bills, work day in and day out, all week long, just to pay someone else for what!? sitting at a desk somewhere else calling people up telling them they owe money.
I paid my credit card debt off (from like 5 years ago) about 2 weeks ago now: I still haven't received a letter from that law office clearing me. I'm starting to think it was a scam. and if so I'm royal fucking pissed off. if the letter I'm expecting doesn't come in by next week I am going to be making some calls and cussing some heads off.
this entry is a novel. and no one reads my novels.
just as well though. I'm at work and wishing something would happen that would send me home. I've been doing the same shit every day, saying the same shit, every day. I'm not cut out for this same shit different day thing. I need something different. from day to day.
Ruts are not good for me.
I'm starting to wonder if I have some form of A.D.D.
And here I sit, not even 3:00 yet and all I can think about is getting out of this place. but why? I'm just going to go home and do the same damn thing I do usually.
I wish just once I could come home to loving arms, and a warm embrace.