I've been here for a few hours. I have lost track of time slightly. I go to the bathroom, and my legs shake as I go, as if I am recovering from some long illness. I look at my eye in the mirror. The skin has begun to darken around it, and by tomorrow I think it will be swollen shut.
I call Tez. As soon as he speaks, I say abruptly:
"Can you come to the apartment? I need you."
I hang up before I hear his reply, because I don't think I can bear to speak any more. Not yet.
I feel very tired, suddenly. I lie down on the sofa, and I think I must fall asleep, because the next thing I am aware of is the sound of a key turning in the door. I don't get up.
Feel sick with anxiety the whole time I'm driving over. What the fuck's happened to him? For all his talk about not going out in the field any more, it's not like his life's exactly risk-free.
Open the door half-expecting to find him bleeding to death or something. He's on the sofa, but he doesn't look up.
"Fuck, Al, what happened?" Kick the door shut and go across to his side. "Al?"
Someone's punched him, that's plain enough. Doesn't look like he's damaged anywhere else - not that I can see - but he's pale and his eyesocket's swelling purple-red.
"It's done. I told her I'm leaving."
Go very still next to him. It's done. Holy fuck.
"And she..." Reach out and don't-quite-touch the injury. "I don't need to ask you how she took it, then. And you should get some ice on that."
"I don't need to ask you how she took it, then. And you should get some ice on that."
I snort, and persuade myself to sit up.
"I'm just lucky she didn't pull a gun on me. It would have been appropriate, since our relationship began at gun point." A laugh bubbles out of me, and I sniff hard. "Fuck." Some of the numbness is beginning to fade now Tez is here, and I wish I had a drink. "It was terrible," I say quietly. "I have rarely felt such a degree of self-loathing as I do now," I add reflectively. "I'm sorry if I worried you," I say, "calling like that."
"I'm just lucky she didn't pull a gun on me. It would have been appropriate, since our relationship began at gun point."
"I'm glad she didn't," I say drily. I don't know how they met - have never asked about their history. Maybe one day, when the immediacy of it's faded. It strikes me just how long we might have together, how much time.
"It was terrible. I have rarely felt such a degree of self-loathing as I do now. I'm sorry if I worried you, calling like that.""Scared the crap out of me," I say, standing up. "Thought you were dying or something
( ... )
I could say something melodramatic and self-indulgent, but I do not. Besides, although I feel terrible, I have felt worse. Just not for a long time.
He gives me ice wrapped in a dishcloth, and I press it to my eye. I think the damage is done, but the coldness is soothing.
"And - fuck, Al, self-loathing I know."
I nod.
"What a pair we make," I say, tone dry.
"Did you - tell her why you're leaving? Should I start running now?"
I laugh slightly at his last question.
"She's known about you for a while," I say. "Whatever Lily is, she's not stupid." I pause. "But I don't think she knew how - serious this had become. We talked about everything else first -" - well, I am not sure talked is the right word - "and then I thought it was fairest to say it all in one go, and so I told her I - am in love with you." I breathe out. "That's when she did this," I say, gesturing at my eye. I put the dishcloth back against it and shift along so there's more room for Tez
( ... )
...I'm fucked, aren't I. I'm fucking dead, once Al's gone.
"She said a lot of things, most of which I deserved. Fuck, Tez, what sort of man leaves his wife six weeks after she's given birth? I have plumbed remarkable new depths of selfishness."
Selfishness, to leave a woman he no longer loves? Perhaps, under the circumstances. There was a time we used to throw it in each other's faces, what each of us is. Not now. I keep quiet, let him continue.
"The worst of it, I think, is that part of me is relieved. I would have gone mad if I had not done it. But you know that, don't you?"Look at him steadily as he sets the ice aside. "Yes," I say, calmly. "So maybe you're not selfish. Lily's hardly going to be out on the street because you've left her, and your kids - you think they need a mad father?" And I think I'd've left him, if he hadn't done it, for more than one reason
( ... )
"So maybe you're not selfish. Lily's hardly going to be out on the street because you've left her, and your kids - you think they need a mad father?"
I shrug with one shoulder.
"Perhaps. Or it could be that is something I use to put aside guilt. I don't know," I say quietly. "I used to think I knew what a good father was -" - which was mostly what my father was not - "but now I am not sure."
"I'd've left, you know. Not going to stick about and watch you fucking do that to yourself, and me."
I snort.
"As always, I appreciate your candour." I look at him thoughtfully. "I don't think, once, you would have done so." I think - aside from recently - we are both... healthier than we have been in some time.
"Glad you did."
I lift his hand and kiss the back of it.
"Yes," I say, and I sigh. "Fuck." I scrub at my face again. "I'm going to move in here, I think. I need to talk to Lily about seeing the kids..." I breathe out. "Tomorrow. Or the day after. When she's had a chance to -" I am about to say calm down, but I'm not precisely sure
( ... )
"But to suddenly have this - love, and a wife, and a child, all at once? It staggered me."
That could have been me and Danika, I think. Not that I feel in love with her, but I could easily have convinced myself I did. Perhaps I shouldn't say, right now, that now I understand something of why a kid'd make you make those choices.
"I nearly broke her wrist today. I grabbed her arm to keep her from hitting me again, and I was furious with her, and I thought I could just twist - I didn't do it, of course. But fuck, I told her I was leaving her and I nearly - "
It's the of course that surprises me. Never imagined he'd have any scruples about hurting someone - even a woman, even his wife
( ... )
"And I wouldn't've fucking blamed you if you had. You were both - emotional, and she'd hit you. Considering what she's capable of..." But you didn't, Al, whatever you felt. That means something, surely."I shake my head, because this isn't the point, not really. He offers me a Xanax, and I stare at the packet for a moment. I am tempted to refuse, but that is just self-flagellation, is it not? And I can't exactly have a shot of whisky. So I take one of the pills and dry swallow it
( ... )
He takes the pill, thank christ. Makes me less worried that he's going to come apart completely.
"But...it would have been kicking her when she was down, in the worst possible sort of way. I've done that to other people, but I never thought I would do it to her."
I'd scoff at that, if he wasn't so - fragile, and wouldn't people find that a strange word for him? Especially remembering that night, and how he was to me. Don't know if we'd all be in this situation if she hadn't treated him the way he did. Remember him talking about how he thought so no longer loved him.
"It's the sort of thing my father was very good at."
--Ah. It makes sense, then. "You didn't do it," I tell him again, fiercely, "though you wanted to. You're not the man your father was." Wish I was better at this. I can bandage wounds and give him pills, but I'm out of my depth when it comes to saying the right thing
( ... )
"You didn't do it, though you wanted to. You're not the man your father was."
I don't say anything to that.
"Fuck, Al. I don't know. You told her, it's done. It's over."
It's over. Such small words for what has happened here, and it's not quite true. There is still much to be done. And I feel that strange mingled sense of relief and dread and guilt.
"Want me to stay with you, for a couple of days?"
"Please," I say. I can't pinpoint exactly when it was that I found I could say please and I'm sorry to Tez. It does not make me feel weak as it would with others. "I would - like that." I lean in and kiss him. "Thank you," I say, and not just for the offer. "One thing," I add, "that is good about my new - situation, is that you can stay here more often. If you like." It is ridiculous to be shy about asking, given that we are planning to be living together in a few months, but nonetheless my tone is a little reticent.
"Please. I would - like that. Thank you." He kisses me, and I smile in relief. Better than the state I feared he was falling into; so much better than what I feared I'd find on the drive over.
"One thing that is good about my new - situation, is that you can stay here more often. If you like."
He sounds almost diffident. "I'd like. I...we still need to be careful, of course. But - yes." And on that note: "So...the next step." Strange, to be sitting here with my lover - boyfriend? - partner? - talking about faking his death.
"I'd like. I...we still need to be careful, of course. But - yes."
I nod. Of course. It's why I have barely been back to his apartment since the day I told him I was leaving Lily. We can't let his workmates know about our relationship. I am glad, though, that he wants to stay.
"So...the next step."
"I think the less you know about what exactly I do the better," I say soberly. "But..." I find myself able to smile genuinely for the first time today. "We should talk about what we are doing after I leave town. I've been thinking about where to go." I lean against him, taking comfort in the feel of him against me. "How do you feel about Spain?"
"I think the less you know about what exactly I do the better."
Sounds ominous, but I keep my worry to myself.
"But...we should talk about what we are doing after I leave town. I've been thinking about where to go." He leans up against me, and I put my arm around him. "How do you feel about Spain?"
Look at him in surprise. Spain? "I - I hadn't thought so far - never been to Europe - " So far from Danika and Brigit? And his kids? God. "I...." I'm nonplussed.
I've been here for a few hours. I have lost track of time slightly. I go to the bathroom, and my legs shake as I go, as if I am recovering from some long illness. I look at my eye in the mirror. The skin has begun to darken around it, and by tomorrow I think it will be swollen shut.
I call Tez. As soon as he speaks, I say abruptly:
"Can you come to the apartment? I need you."
I hang up before I hear his reply, because I don't think I can bear to speak any more. Not yet.
I feel very tired, suddenly. I lie down on the sofa, and I think I must fall asleep, because the next thing I am aware of is the sound of a key turning in the door. I don't get up.
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Open the door half-expecting to find him bleeding to death or something. He's on the sofa, but he doesn't look up.
"Fuck, Al, what happened?" Kick the door shut and go across to his side. "Al?"
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"It's done," I say simply. "I told her I'm leaving."
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"It's done. I told her I'm leaving."
Go very still next to him. It's done. Holy fuck.
"And she..." Reach out and don't-quite-touch the injury. "I don't need to ask you how she took it, then. And you should get some ice on that."
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I snort, and persuade myself to sit up.
"I'm just lucky she didn't pull a gun on me. It would have been appropriate, since our relationship began at gun point." A laugh bubbles out of me, and I sniff hard. "Fuck." Some of the numbness is beginning to fade now Tez is here, and I wish I had a drink. "It was terrible," I say quietly. "I have rarely felt such a degree of self-loathing as I do now," I add reflectively. "I'm sorry if I worried you," I say, "calling like that."
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"I'm glad she didn't," I say drily. I don't know how they met - have never asked about their history. Maybe one day, when the immediacy of it's faded. It strikes me just how long we might have together, how much time.
"It was terrible. I have rarely felt such a degree of self-loathing as I do now. I'm sorry if I worried you, calling like that.""Scared the crap out of me," I say, standing up. "Thought you were dying or something ( ... )
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I could say something melodramatic and self-indulgent, but I do not. Besides, although I feel terrible, I have felt worse. Just not for a long time.
He gives me ice wrapped in a dishcloth, and I press it to my eye. I think the damage is done, but the coldness is soothing.
"And - fuck, Al, self-loathing I know."
I nod.
"What a pair we make," I say, tone dry.
"Did you - tell her why you're leaving? Should I start running now?"
I laugh slightly at his last question.
"She's known about you for a while," I say. "Whatever Lily is, she's not stupid." I pause. "But I don't think she knew how - serious this had become. We talked about everything else first -" - well, I am not sure talked is the right word - "and then I thought it was fairest to say it all in one go, and so I told her I - am in love with you." I breathe out. "That's when she did this," I say, gesturing at my eye. I put the dishcloth back against it and shift along so there's more room for Tez ( ... )
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...I'm fucked, aren't I. I'm fucking dead, once Al's gone.
"She said a lot of things, most of which I deserved. Fuck, Tez, what sort of man leaves his wife six weeks after she's given birth? I have plumbed remarkable new depths of selfishness."
Selfishness, to leave a woman he no longer loves? Perhaps, under the circumstances. There was a time we used to throw it in each other's faces, what each of us is. Not now. I keep quiet, let him continue.
"The worst of it, I think, is that part of me is relieved. I would have gone mad if I had not done it. But you know that, don't you?"Look at him steadily as he sets the ice aside. "Yes," I say, calmly. "So maybe you're not selfish. Lily's hardly going to be out on the street because you've left her, and your kids - you think they need a mad father?" And I think I'd've left him, if he hadn't done it, for more than one reason ( ... )
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I shrug with one shoulder.
"Perhaps. Or it could be that is something I use to put aside guilt. I don't know," I say quietly. "I used to think I knew what a good father was -" - which was mostly what my father was not - "but now I am not sure."
"I'd've left, you know. Not going to stick about and watch you fucking do that to yourself, and me."
I snort.
"As always, I appreciate your candour." I look at him thoughtfully. "I don't think, once, you would have done so." I think - aside from recently - we are both... healthier than we have been in some time.
"Glad you did."
I lift his hand and kiss the back of it.
"Yes," I say, and I sigh. "Fuck." I scrub at my face again. "I'm going to move in here, I think. I need to talk to Lily about seeing the kids..." I breathe out. "Tomorrow. Or the day after. When she's had a chance to -" I am about to say calm down, but I'm not precisely sure ( ... )
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That could have been me and Danika, I think. Not that I feel in love with her, but I could easily have convinced myself I did. Perhaps I shouldn't say, right now, that now I understand something of why a kid'd make you make those choices.
"I nearly broke her wrist today. I grabbed her arm to keep her from hitting me again, and I was furious with her, and I thought I could just twist - I didn't do it, of course. But fuck, I told her I was leaving her and I nearly - "
It's the of course that surprises me. Never imagined he'd have any scruples about hurting someone - even a woman, even his wife ( ... )
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"But...it would have been kicking her when she was down, in the worst possible sort of way. I've done that to other people, but I never thought I would do it to her."
I'd scoff at that, if he wasn't so - fragile, and wouldn't people find that a strange word for him? Especially remembering that night, and how he was to me. Don't know if we'd all be in this situation if she hadn't treated him the way he did. Remember him talking about how he thought so no longer loved him.
"It's the sort of thing my father was very good at."
--Ah. It makes sense, then. "You didn't do it," I tell him again, fiercely, "though you wanted to. You're not the man your father was." Wish I was better at this. I can bandage wounds and give him pills, but I'm out of my depth when it comes to saying the right thing ( ... )
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I don't say anything to that.
"Fuck, Al. I don't know. You told her, it's done. It's over."
It's over. Such small words for what has happened here, and it's not quite true. There is still much to be done. And I feel that strange mingled sense of relief and dread and guilt.
"Want me to stay with you, for a couple of days?"
"Please," I say. I can't pinpoint exactly when it was that I found I could say please and I'm sorry to Tez. It does not make me feel weak as it would with others. "I would - like that." I lean in and kiss him. "Thank you," I say, and not just for the offer. "One thing," I add, "that is good about my new - situation, is that you can stay here more often. If you like." It is ridiculous to be shy about asking, given that we are planning to be living together in a few months, but nonetheless my tone is a little reticent.
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"One thing that is good about my new - situation, is that you can stay here more often. If you like."
He sounds almost diffident. "I'd like. I...we still need to be careful, of course. But - yes." And on that note: "So...the next step." Strange, to be sitting here with my lover - boyfriend? - partner? - talking about faking his death.
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I nod. Of course. It's why I have barely been back to his apartment since the day I told him I was leaving Lily. We can't let his workmates know about our relationship. I am glad, though, that he wants to stay.
"So...the next step."
"I think the less you know about what exactly I do the better," I say soberly. "But..." I find myself able to smile genuinely for the first time today. "We should talk about what we are doing after I leave town. I've been thinking about where to go." I lean against him, taking comfort in the feel of him against me. "How do you feel about Spain?"
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Sounds ominous, but I keep my worry to myself.
"But...we should talk about what we are doing after I leave town. I've been thinking about where to go." He leans up against me, and I put my arm around him. "How do you feel about Spain?"
Look at him in surprise. Spain? "I - I hadn't thought so far - never been to Europe - " So far from Danika and Brigit? And his kids? God. "I...." I'm nonplussed.
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