"So maybe you're not selfish. Lily's hardly going to be out on the street because you've left her, and your kids - you think they need a mad father?"
I shrug with one shoulder.
"Perhaps. Or it could be that is something I use to put aside guilt. I don't know," I say quietly. "I used to think I knew what a good father was -" - which was mostly what my father was not - "but now I am not sure."
"I'd've left, you know. Not going to stick about and watch you fucking do that to yourself, and me."
I snort.
"As always, I appreciate your candour." I look at him thoughtfully. "I don't think, once, you would have done so." I think - aside from recently - we are both... healthier than we have been in some time.
"Glad you did."
I lift his hand and kiss the back of it.
"Yes," I say, and I sigh. "Fuck." I scrub at my face again. "I'm going to move in here, I think. I need to talk to Lily about seeing the kids..." I breathe out. "Tomorrow. Or the day after. When she's had a chance to -" I am about to say calm down, but I'm not precisely sure that is what will happen. "Process things."
I lean back into the sofa, but I link his fingers with mine.
"It all happened so fast, you know. When Lily and I got together." I'm not sure why I'm telling him this. I just feel like it - this - needs to be marked, somehow. "She was going to kill me." I take in his expression, and I give him an amused smile. "Clearly it did not work. And we - fell into everything, very suddenly and completely. It's hard to explain." I am not sure I can. "And then she found out she was pregnant. I've sometimes wondered if we would have stayed together if not for that. Not that I stayed with her because of Fiona. Not at all. But to suddenly have this - love, and a wife, and a child, all at once? It staggered me," I say.
"I nearly broke her wrist today," I say after a pause. "I grabbed her arm to keep her from hitting me again, and I was furious with her, and I thought I could just twist -" I let go of his hand. "I didn't do it, of course. But fuck, I told her I was leaving her and I nearly - " I cover my face with my hands.
"But to suddenly have this - love, and a wife, and a child, all at once? It staggered me."
That could have been me and Danika, I think. Not that I feel in love with her, but I could easily have convinced myself I did. Perhaps I shouldn't say, right now, that now I understand something of why a kid'd make you make those choices.
"I nearly broke her wrist today. I grabbed her arm to keep her from hitting me again, and I was furious with her, and I thought I could just twist - I didn't do it, of course. But fuck, I told her I was leaving her and I nearly - "
It's the of course that surprises me. Never imagined he'd have any scruples about hurting someone - even a woman, even his wife.
"You didn't," I say, practically. Try and keep him down to earth, because he's starting to freak out. "And I wouldn't've fucking blamed you if you had. You were both - emotional, and she'd hit you. Considering what she's capable of..." Shake my head. "But you didn't, Al, whatever you felt. That means something, surely."
Of all the things to get knotted up over. Not like I don't understand unreasonable guilt, though. For the first time since I stopped drinking I regret him not keeping booze here - he looks like he needs something fast.
Dig in the pocket of my jacket. Doctor gave me Xanax, for the times I really want a drink, but I don't like to take it. Last fucking thing I need's something else to get hooked on. "You want one of these?"
"And I wouldn't've fucking blamed you if you had. You were both - emotional, and she'd hit you. Considering what she's capable of..." But you didn't, Al, whatever you felt. That means something, surely."
I shake my head, because this isn't the point, not really. He offers me a Xanax, and I stare at the packet for a moment. I am tempted to refuse, but that is just self-flagellation, is it not? And I can't exactly have a shot of whisky. So I take one of the pills and dry swallow it.
"I don't know how to explain it," I say. "We've hurt each other," I say, "physically, before. We've had fights." And we have hurt each other through sex, of course, but this isn't the time to mention that. "When I thought she might be pregnant with someone else's child - well, you remember how I was that night. I did not dare go home, because of what I might do. But..." My mouth twists. "It would have been kicking her when she was down, in the worst possible sort of way. I've done that to other people," I admit, "but I never thought I would do it to her." I pause. "It's the sort of thing my father was very good at." Son of a bitch.
I can feel the xanax taking effect - just smoothing the edges of things a little.
He takes the pill, thank christ. Makes me less worried that he's going to come apart completely.
"But...it would have been kicking her when she was down, in the worst possible sort of way. I've done that to other people, but I never thought I would do it to her."
I'd scoff at that, if he wasn't so - fragile, and wouldn't people find that a strange word for him? Especially remembering that night, and how he was to me. Don't know if we'd all be in this situation if she hadn't treated him the way he did. Remember him talking about how he thought so no longer loved him.
"It's the sort of thing my father was very good at."
--Ah. It makes sense, then. "You didn't do it," I tell him again, fiercely, "though you wanted to. You're not the man your father was." Wish I was better at this. I can bandage wounds and give him pills, but I'm out of my depth when it comes to saying the right thing.
I sigh, turn his hand over in mine. "Fuck, Al. I don't know. You told her, it's done. It's over." He's free, we're - "Want me to stay with you, for a couple of days?"
"You didn't do it, though you wanted to. You're not the man your father was."
I don't say anything to that.
"Fuck, Al. I don't know. You told her, it's done. It's over."
It's over. Such small words for what has happened here, and it's not quite true. There is still much to be done. And I feel that strange mingled sense of relief and dread and guilt.
"Want me to stay with you, for a couple of days?"
"Please," I say. I can't pinpoint exactly when it was that I found I could say please and I'm sorry to Tez. It does not make me feel weak as it would with others. "I would - like that." I lean in and kiss him. "Thank you," I say, and not just for the offer. "One thing," I add, "that is good about my new - situation, is that you can stay here more often. If you like." It is ridiculous to be shy about asking, given that we are planning to be living together in a few months, but nonetheless my tone is a little reticent.
"Please. I would - like that. Thank you." He kisses me, and I smile in relief. Better than the state I feared he was falling into; so much better than what I feared I'd find on the drive over.
"One thing that is good about my new - situation, is that you can stay here more often. If you like."
He sounds almost diffident. "I'd like. I...we still need to be careful, of course. But - yes." And on that note: "So...the next step." Strange, to be sitting here with my lover - boyfriend? - partner? - talking about faking his death.
"I'd like. I...we still need to be careful, of course. But - yes."
I nod. Of course. It's why I have barely been back to his apartment since the day I told him I was leaving Lily. We can't let his workmates know about our relationship. I am glad, though, that he wants to stay.
"So...the next step."
"I think the less you know about what exactly I do the better," I say soberly. "But..." I find myself able to smile genuinely for the first time today. "We should talk about what we are doing after I leave town. I've been thinking about where to go." I lean against him, taking comfort in the feel of him against me. "How do you feel about Spain?"
"I think the less you know about what exactly I do the better."
Sounds ominous, but I keep my worry to myself.
"But...we should talk about what we are doing after I leave town. I've been thinking about where to go." He leans up against me, and I put my arm around him. "How do you feel about Spain?"
Look at him in surprise. Spain? "I - I hadn't thought so far - never been to Europe - " So far from Danika and Brigit? And his kids? God. "I...." I'm nonplussed.
I shrug with one shoulder.
"Perhaps. Or it could be that is something I use to put aside guilt. I don't know," I say quietly. "I used to think I knew what a good father was -" - which was mostly what my father was not - "but now I am not sure."
"I'd've left, you know. Not going to stick about and watch you fucking do that to yourself, and me."
I snort.
"As always, I appreciate your candour." I look at him thoughtfully. "I don't think, once, you would have done so." I think - aside from recently - we are both... healthier than we have been in some time.
"Glad you did."
I lift his hand and kiss the back of it.
"Yes," I say, and I sigh. "Fuck." I scrub at my face again. "I'm going to move in here, I think. I need to talk to Lily about seeing the kids..." I breathe out. "Tomorrow. Or the day after. When she's had a chance to -" I am about to say calm down, but I'm not precisely sure that is what will happen. "Process things."
I lean back into the sofa, but I link his fingers with mine.
"It all happened so fast, you know. When Lily and I got together." I'm not sure why I'm telling him this. I just feel like it - this - needs to be marked, somehow. "She was going to kill me." I take in his expression, and I give him an amused smile. "Clearly it did not work. And we - fell into everything, very suddenly and completely. It's hard to explain." I am not sure I can. "And then she found out she was pregnant. I've sometimes wondered if we would have stayed together if not for that. Not that I stayed with her because of Fiona. Not at all. But to suddenly have this - love, and a wife, and a child, all at once? It staggered me," I say.
"I nearly broke her wrist today," I say after a pause. "I grabbed her arm to keep her from hitting me again, and I was furious with her, and I thought I could just twist -" I let go of his hand. "I didn't do it, of course. But fuck, I told her I was leaving her and I nearly - " I cover my face with my hands.
Reply
That could have been me and Danika, I think. Not that I feel in love with her, but I could easily have convinced myself I did. Perhaps I shouldn't say, right now, that now I understand something of why a kid'd make you make those choices.
"I nearly broke her wrist today. I grabbed her arm to keep her from hitting me again, and I was furious with her, and I thought I could just twist - I didn't do it, of course. But fuck, I told her I was leaving her and I nearly - "
It's the of course that surprises me. Never imagined he'd have any scruples about hurting someone - even a woman, even his wife.
"You didn't," I say, practically. Try and keep him down to earth, because he's starting to freak out. "And I wouldn't've fucking blamed you if you had. You were both - emotional, and she'd hit you. Considering what she's capable of..." Shake my head. "But you didn't, Al, whatever you felt. That means something, surely."
Of all the things to get knotted up over. Not like I don't understand unreasonable guilt, though. For the first time since I stopped drinking I regret him not keeping booze here - he looks like he needs something fast.
Dig in the pocket of my jacket. Doctor gave me Xanax, for the times I really want a drink, but I don't like to take it. Last fucking thing I need's something else to get hooked on. "You want one of these?"
Reply
I shake my head, because this isn't the point, not really. He offers me a Xanax, and I stare at the packet for a moment. I am tempted to refuse, but that is just self-flagellation, is it not? And I can't exactly have a shot of whisky. So I take one of the pills and dry swallow it.
"I don't know how to explain it," I say. "We've hurt each other," I say, "physically, before. We've had fights." And we have hurt each other through sex, of course, but this isn't the time to mention that. "When I thought she might be pregnant with someone else's child - well, you remember how I was that night. I did not dare go home, because of what I might do. But..." My mouth twists. "It would have been kicking her when she was down, in the worst possible sort of way. I've done that to other people," I admit, "but I never thought I would do it to her." I pause. "It's the sort of thing my father was very good at." Son of a bitch.
I can feel the xanax taking effect - just smoothing the edges of things a little.
Reply
"But...it would have been kicking her when she was down, in the worst possible sort of way. I've done that to other people, but I never thought I would do it to her."
I'd scoff at that, if he wasn't so - fragile, and wouldn't people find that a strange word for him? Especially remembering that night, and how he was to me. Don't know if we'd all be in this situation if she hadn't treated him the way he did. Remember him talking about how he thought so no longer loved him.
"It's the sort of thing my father was very good at."
--Ah. It makes sense, then. "You didn't do it," I tell him again, fiercely, "though you wanted to. You're not the man your father was." Wish I was better at this. I can bandage wounds and give him pills, but I'm out of my depth when it comes to saying the right thing.
I sigh, turn his hand over in mine. "Fuck, Al. I don't know. You told her, it's done. It's over." He's free, we're - "Want me to stay with you, for a couple of days?"
Reply
I don't say anything to that.
"Fuck, Al. I don't know. You told her, it's done. It's over."
It's over. Such small words for what has happened here, and it's not quite true. There is still much to be done. And I feel that strange mingled sense of relief and dread and guilt.
"Want me to stay with you, for a couple of days?"
"Please," I say. I can't pinpoint exactly when it was that I found I could say please and I'm sorry to Tez. It does not make me feel weak as it would with others. "I would - like that." I lean in and kiss him. "Thank you," I say, and not just for the offer. "One thing," I add, "that is good about my new - situation, is that you can stay here more often. If you like." It is ridiculous to be shy about asking, given that we are planning to be living together in a few months, but nonetheless my tone is a little reticent.
Reply
"One thing that is good about my new - situation, is that you can stay here more often. If you like."
He sounds almost diffident. "I'd like. I...we still need to be careful, of course. But - yes." And on that note: "So...the next step." Strange, to be sitting here with my lover - boyfriend? - partner? - talking about faking his death.
Reply
I nod. Of course. It's why I have barely been back to his apartment since the day I told him I was leaving Lily. We can't let his workmates know about our relationship. I am glad, though, that he wants to stay.
"So...the next step."
"I think the less you know about what exactly I do the better," I say soberly. "But..." I find myself able to smile genuinely for the first time today. "We should talk about what we are doing after I leave town. I've been thinking about where to go." I lean against him, taking comfort in the feel of him against me. "How do you feel about Spain?"
Reply
Sounds ominous, but I keep my worry to myself.
"But...we should talk about what we are doing after I leave town. I've been thinking about where to go." He leans up against me, and I put my arm around him. "How do you feel about Spain?"
Look at him in surprise. Spain? "I - I hadn't thought so far - never been to Europe - " So far from Danika and Brigit? And his kids? God. "I...." I'm nonplussed.
Reply
Leave a comment