Our Years Before (.part i)
Title: Our Years Before
Author: livesmiling / textparade
Summary: Everyone wants to be somebody, but what happens if all that glimmer was only in the chase?
Pairings: Yunho/Jaejoong, OT5
Notes: help_japan fic for boxxme . Sorry this took so long to write, I know you requested for a happy fic but i couldn't find it in myself to write one. I tried, but somehow it turned out like that, quite the opposite. ;_;;
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
e.e. cummings
December 2002 & Earlier
Everything is still tentative (when is it not?), but you five are in a group now. Your group name is SM 5. Continue to work hard and everything will be alright, ya?
Yunho stares at his newfound bandmates (aside from Jaejoong who was in the previous group as he was - Four Seasons). He really misses Heechul and Kangin, but more Heechul than Kangin. Where's that crazy bitch when he needed him?
So what now?
They keep telling him that this group will probably be the right one. And that they will debut, just so long they work hard. He replays their speech over and over in his head, trying to convince himself that it is true, that he didn’t give up his all for nothing.
He stares at the latest addition to the group - an American-Korean kid sitting on the old crinkly couch beside him. The boy is pale, rather scrawny in size and has black floppy hair. His white shirt is sheer and his jeans are ripped in all the wrong places.
Hi, Yunho says, unsure. Yoochun, right? Which part of America are you from?
Hi. I'm from Birginia. Yoochun looks up and smiles a cute shy smile; his voice is deep and husky, it doesn't suit his face at all, but Yunho hears, and he knows that this guy is going places. He just didn't know if it was with him.
But it's alright now, at least they are in a group. There's Junsu, Junsu has always been good in both singing and dancing, so that's a real confidence booster. Being in the same group as Junsu means a lot. There's Changmin too. Well, he didn't really know Changmin very well. The younger boy doesn’t really seem all that interested. He’s so going to give him hell if he screws anything up.
And there's Jaejoong.
Things are going to have to be okay.
***
Yunho can’t remember exactly when they met each other. Clichéd as it sounds, everything seemed to stop for a moment when Jaejoong opened the door into the trainee room, a little late for dance practice. All he remembers is pale milk coloured cheeks, frazzled jet black hair, ruby red lips, huge doe eyes and -
“Hi, I’m Jaejoong!”
- an amazing, beautiful voice.
The rest is history. The two of them become very very very good friends, best friends. At times it gets hard for Yunho to differentiate whether it’s really purely platonic between the both of them; at times he questions whether he’s abnormal, but it is Jaejoong afterall. Who isn’t captivated by him?
Although, Junsu thinks Jaejoong is an oddball. Yunho frowns a little when Junsu tells him but doesn’t deny that.
(“He's a little odd looking don't you think?”
"Is he?" Yunho didn't think Jaejoong to be odd-looking, he thought Jaejoong was insanely pretty, like a fairy.
"Well yeah...he doesn't look very real to me. His voice is a little...yknow gay."
Yunho nearly dies laughing.)
But then again, that could be because Jaejoong told Junsu he had a really nice ass when he met him for the first time.
***
Every aspiring kid goes into SM Entertainment, praying to make it big but find themselves struggling to even get pass the audition to become a trainee. Every trainee trains and fights and backstabs so that they can make themselves seen, make themselves heard, make themselves known. It's a mad, mad world.
Changmin, especially, finds it ridiculously hard to fit in. He trains extra extra extra hard to excel and he does his best to understand his hyungs but it's more than just a little tough. Yunho is the strict and fierce father figure in the group and Changmin is doing all he can to live up to his expectations. Yoochun is like him, trying to fit in, aloof and quiet. But unlike him, Yoochun is talented from the inside out, Yoochun can sing, compose and write at the same time if you point a gun to his head. He can't really understand Junsu either, sometimes Junsu talks stupid things and laughs weirdly and Changmin thinks maybe there's nothing much in there to understand. But after a while, Changmin sees-sees Junsu - the air of arrogance, his musicality, his innocent facade and Changmin doesn't know how Junsu does it. As for Jaejoong, that guy...is just plain weird. Changmin doesn't know what to make out of it. But there's no turning back now. They are going to work as colleagues, as a team.
***
So they work hard, they work so hard it’s crazy but Yunho can feel it in his veins, in his blood pumping, in his fingertips. They are going to be something. (They can’t not be something, not after they’ve worked this hard.) He overheard manager-hyung saying something about calling them “Dong Bang Bul Pae”. That’s…something, isn’t it?
That’s a fucking real group name.
Yunho bounces around excitedly until he spots Jaejoong at the end of the corridor. “Jaejoong!!!!!!” Yunho nearly shrieks. People are looking at him oddly because what the hell, since when is Yunho this uncool?, but Yunho doesn’t care. He is going to debut now and all the other trainees can kiss his ass. He runs across and grabs Jaejoong into his arms and spins three solid freaking rounds.
Jaejoong fails to react in time because he is Jaejoong.
What’s going on, oh my fucking god. You scare the hell out of me.
We have a fucking group name, Jae, a fucking fucking fucking group name and it’s beautiful and glorious and I kno-
Oh my god are you fucking kidding me because Jung I will smash your balls if you -
Yunho doesn’t reply, he grabs Jaejoong again and twirls and twirls and twirls. Jaejoong laughs and laughs and when they finally do stop, Jaejoong whispers in his ears. “Now you are going to show Daddy who’s going to be a superstar. The world is going to know who you are, Yunho-yah.”
Yunho knows for sure then, that he was in love. It is in every way thoroughly screwed up but nothing felt more right. Yes, he whispers back. We are going to be superstars.
***
December 2003
They are in the preparation room in the studio, people are everywhere, walking in and out and in and out. Everything seems to be moving too fast, too real. All his life, Yunho thinks, this is it.
The stylists are touching up (yet again) on Changmin’s make up, the younger boy appears to be calm but Yunho can see his fingers gripping the sides of the chair. Yunho walks up to him, Hey hey hey.
“Hyung.” Changmin breathes, opening his eyes slowly.
“You are going to be just great. We are going to be okay.” Yunho holds Changmin’s hand in his. Amongst all his members, he knows how hard Changmin worked - the late nights of extra dance practices, the early morning session jogs to build stamina, and possibly the hardest of all, the maknae constantly trying so hard to fit into the group, always trying to convince himself that he belonged.
“For everything else, there’s me around, remember?” Yunho repeats firmly. “We are going to be better than okay.”
“Okay.” Changmin smiles.
“No, Changmin-ah.” Yunho squeezes Changmin’s hand. “We are going to be fucking amazing.”
Jaejoong magically appears out of thin air and materializes beside Yunho, “That’s absolutely right.”
Yunho turns around to see Yoochun and Junsu sitting on the sofa, talking in hushed whispers. He beckons them over and pulls all four of them to him.
The surroundings are bright but suddenly all Yunho can see is dark now. It is the first of their subsequent group hugs. Five heads pitted together, Yunho doesn’t know who’s arms are on his back and he doesn’t know who is gripping his waist so fucking tightly but it doesn’t matter. This was always how it was supposed to be.
Yah. This is it, alright? We are going out there, and we are going to show the world what we are made of, okay? We are fucking Dong Bang Shin Ki.
They are then snapped out of their reverie by the stage coordinators to ‘please hurry up, the whole world is waiting for you’ and Jaejoong thinks that fuck yes, the whole world is waiting for them. Maybe not right now, but definitely in the future. The whole world is going to be at their feet, he doesn't just know it, he knows-knows it.
They walk quickly to the backstage and just when the performance before theirs was about to end, Jaejoong pulls Yunho close to him.
"We are going...to debut now." Jaejoong whispers into Yunho's ear, albeit a bit breathlessly. Yunho looks at Jaejoong, both of them grinning like idiots. "We are going to debut now." Jaejoong repeats again, this time a bit more firmly. Jaejoong wobbles a little unsteadily, all the excitement in him beating in his blood. Whoosh whoosh whoosh, Jaejoong thinks he can hear the adrenaline pumping.
“I know. But keep still or you are going to fall.” Yunho pulls Jaejoong into his arms.
Jaejoong nods, smiling sheepishly. Yunho turns back suddenly to revise the last bit of the steps with Changmin (last minute jitters even though they got it down pat). Jaejoong nearly falls.
What am I going to do without you, Yunho-yah?
***
December 2004
'Hug' is a cheesy, gay love song with somewhat sick lyrics. It is a huge hit and peaked at #4 on the monthly Korean music charts and sold a total of 169,532 copies. Jaejoong thinks he can die happy now.
"Yunhooooooooooo," Jaejoong saunters over to him after googling their achievements. "We did so well! We sold 1-6-7-5-3-2 copies!"
"This is only the beginning, you silly." Yunho laughs. "We are going to sell 500,000 copies one day."
"500,000! That's crazy."
"Well. That's us." Yunho smirks.
Jaejoong doesn't know what to reply, he nods stupidly (but happily) and thanks god that Yunho is there to lead them all.
***
They become very, very popular in Korea, expectedly. SM Entertainment is good at what they do. It is a little over a year past and Korea already knows Dong Bang Shin Ki. After Hug, they release The Way U Are, and then they are going on to work on an upcoming album titled Tri-Angle.
The stylist-noonas and manager-hyungs discuss the concept for the new album, all five of them are gathered in the room and Jaejoong is trying very hard to keep still. Everyone else is actively contributing and suggesting ideas, even Changmin, the quietest one. He really likes Yunho's ideas about using contrasting colours for the album but he don't see how why Junsu can link from that and suggest that he turn blonde.
But it's alright, it doesn't matter, they are going to have their own album. Nothing else matters. He'll turn blonde alright - if it speeds things up a little, why not?
***
Yoochun is down with a terrible fever - his worst yet, 40 degrees celsius. Management tell them to cool it off for a day before they resume schedule, one day is already a luxury, that's what they said. It was a warning, don push it. Yunho stares and nods, the words but he'll need more than just a day get stuck in a throat. It is the first time Yunho feels like he has failed as a leader and it feels like shit.
He returns to the dorm and Jaejoong nearly cries when he knows.
"One day?!"
"We only have a short vocal lesson tomorrow and some filming...Not gonna take that long..."
"You know he's not in any state to do anything." Jaejoong says, staring helplessly at Yunho, then at Changmin, hoping Changmin would speak up.
"But i'm not in any position to do anything, either." Yunho says.
"You are the fucking leader, do something!"
"It's not that easy, okay?!"
At that moment, Yoochun walks out with Junsu holding him by his side.
"It's okay hyung-deul, i'm good. Don't fight." Yoochun coughs a bit more, "Please." Changmin stiffens a little, at the corner. Yoochun never uses 'hyung-deul', ever.
Jaejoong grabs Yoochun, "Let's go back to bed, Chun-ah."
Yunho and Jaejoong don't talk for a week. All three of them fake illness, Changmin has caught a virus bug that has somehow spread to both Junsu and Yoochun. So now all three of them are bedridden with the same "throbbing headache" and if they don't recover soon enough, their heads are going to "explode".
Both Yunho and Jaejoong have no choice, really. They are too much of the older brothers in the group to bother about their little fight they had, reconciling over Yunho's failed fish porridge.
"I think we succeeded!" Junsu pops his head out under the blanket when Jaejoong has gone out to check on Yunho and his porridge.
"You think we should stop the act now? I do feel a bit bad, Yunho-hyung barely slept." Yoochun asks.
"I think we can afford to drag it out a little longer..." Changmin smirks, "Life's pretty awesome now."
It is Day 3 of the feigned illness and Jaejoong finally decides to bring in a doctor that the three of them miraculously recover. Jaejoong narrows his eyes and very nearly snarls.
"What the fuck, you guys?!"
Yunho slumps onto the bed, defeated. "Why do i have such bandmates, oh god."
"Yunho, do something!" Jaejoong urges.
"I'm just going to sleep now, Jaejoong-ah. I will wake up and all of this is just a nightmare." Yunho falls back onto the bed. Jaejoong kicks his leg. "At least they are okay now..." Yunho slurs before promptly falling asleep.
"We had to! You guys weren't talking so we had to do something about it!" Junsu squeals suddenly. "And, it was Changmin's idea." Junsu points at Changmin.
"Wha-" Changmin fakes a hurt expression.
"Isn't that so, Chunnie?" Junsu interrupts quickly.
Yoochun nods quickly.
"You three aren't going to get out of this so easily," Jaejoong snarls and hurls the nearest object he can find at the three. The fight goes on pretty on the whole night because nobody can defeat an angry Jaejoong (no, not even with the three of them combined), until Yunho wakes up in the morning and asks for Jaejoong for breakfast.
***
December 2005
Yoochun looks at the blur of Japanese words that he has been staring for the past four hours. His Hiragana has gone from looking like awkwardly stiff strokes to an illegible mess of ink. This wasn't what he signed up for. Jaejoong has long given up and is sleeping on the couch, snoring lightly. Junsu is taking a "break", albeit a very long one, typing furiously away on his laptop. Changmin, sitting opposite him, is writing dilligently but frustration is etched in his brows. Yunho is reading his notes too, once in a while looking up and telling Junsu to stop playing or Jaejoong to wake up but not really trying hard enough.
Everyone's really, really worn out.
It's not that they want to complain, but the sudden drop from Korean superstars to Japanese newbies is more than just a little hard to take. The monopoly of the music industry by the Johnny Entertainment is a bitch. Sometimes they would find Yoochun crying quietly at the balcony, or Changmin studying Japanese late into the night or Jaejoong chain-smoking downstairs. Junsu would take to talking in hushed whispers over the phone with Junho and Yunho would sit at the dining table for hours, evaluating past performances and rearranging their schedules. It's all very routine. And nobody knows if it'll ever get better. It's all hoping, hoping and more hoping.
***
December 2006
Their Japanese is still a bit wonky, but it's not going to stop them from being the superstars they were born to be.
They have their first ever international tour - "Rising Sun 1st Asia Tour". Everything is difficult, untouchable and foreign. More often than not, they quarrel over the stupidest things - whether feathers will work on the outfits, whether they should have sequined gloves for the encore, and can we please have special glowing wristbands for the fans, the lightsticks are not enough. Everyone is tense, unsure if things will work out right, they practise over and over again, rehearse more than just a million times, and then they begin. They are still nervous, still unsure, but they've done all they could have.
They tour Korea, China, Thailand and Malaysia after which they release what seem like ten thousand Japanese singles to Jaejoong before finally heading back to Korea. 'O Jung Ban Hap' is next released and debuts atop the charts. Dong Bang Shin Ki goes on to win countless Daesangs and Bonsangs and Best Artist Awards at the end of the year. Jaejoong finally loses count.
***
When Yunho gets poisoned by an anti-fan, Jaejoong watches as the doctors drag the leader off his very own arms onto a stretcher into the hospital. He tries to concentrate on what the doctors are saying, medical terms that he barely understands --- heartbeat rate, pump, cyanoacrylate. But all Jaejoong can see or hear is Yunho, Yunho, Yunho - his torn expression, faint smile, chapped lips, Yunho's hands limp in his strong grip.
You can't come in here, Kim-sshi. Please wait here. Jaejoong refuses to let go of Yunho's hands. Junsu gently pries his hands away from Yunho, smiling weakly at the doctor. Please do your best, he adds courteously, pulling Jaejoong away.
***
Yunho pulls through eventually, Jaejoong makes all his favourite food - kimchi jjigae, beef bulgogi, beef stew, even the weird wakame udon that he likes. Changmin is especially happy, Yunho-hyung is sitting opposite him, looking rather sickly but hey, at least smiling and alive. And all that food. It's been too long since Jaejoong took such time to make dinner.
"Wow, this is really really good, hyung. You should be a chef."
"Then your band will have no lead singer." Jaejoong laughs. "What's going to happen to youuuuu, my dearest Changmin-ah!"
"I'll survive," Changmin speaks, mouthful of food. "We don't really need you anyway." Jaejoong throws a fishball at Changmin and Junsu does a 'eukyangkyang' and nearly chokes.
***
December 2007
They hold their second concert - The 2nd Asian Tour Concert 'O', touring a total of six cities - Seoul, Taipei, Bangkok, Kuala Lumpur, Shanghai and Beijing. They release their second Japanese album, Five in the Black. By now, they've gotten used to the packed schedule, the stress, the excitement. They spend half their lives now on stage, hearing the cheers of Cassiopeia, and it gives them energy to go on. They are literally, unstoppable.
***
Every now and then, Jaejoong presses Yunho to come clean with the others. But Yunho is always not ready, it's always "not the right time" or "can you imagine what Junsu is going to say?" or "Changmin's too young for all these." Jaejoong thinks it's utter bullcrap and he knows Yunho knows it too.
The other three don’t say anything but they know something’s going on. Junsu’s too afraid of saying anything. He really wants to keep the peace within the group and he’d rather stay out of their personal affairs. Yoochun isn’t really bothered, Jaejoong is his BFF but since Yunho is the leader, he trusts that Yunho is capable enough to take care of things. Changmin is curious but he feels like he isn’t in any position to probe, so he doesn’t.
They have no status. (“Jaejoong is my member, precious member.” Yunho always says.) They are not together. (But they never date anyone else, unless they are fighting.) They tell people they are amazingly close friends, best friends till the end of time. (But best friends don’t fuck each other, do they?) They tell people about girls they’ve dated, or are dating. (But nobody has ever seen those girls before.)
The secrecy isn’t the hardest. The hardest is the denial, of having to pretend that nothing is going on because there simply can’t be anything between them. This is wrong, Yunho says. This is so fucking wrong.
No, Jaejoong replies, this is damn fucking right, when are you ever gonna see it? He catches Yunho’s lips with his and his hands roam down south and oh oh oh.
Eventually it gets to Yunho’s head that well, he is gay. But it didn’t make things any better. Yunho is stubborn as a mule and his family had a utopian vision of what their son’s future consisted of - a brilliant career, then a beautiful wife with two talented children. There was no other way of going about it.
“We have to stop this.” Yunho always tells him.
“I couldn’t, even if I wanted to.” Jaejoong pauses. "And i don't want to."
"Jaejoo-"
"And neither do you, or could you." Jaejoong interrupts, his tone is soft but sure.
"How can you always live so freely?"
"Because this is what i want, Yunho-yah. I'm not afraid to make choices." Jaejoong holds Yunho's hand in his own. "I'm not going to force you, you know that."
Yunho nods. "It's just," Yunho kisses Jaejoong's forehead and holds him tight. "I'm going to need some time."
***
December 2008
Japan was a bitch. Was. Now not as much because Purple Line got fucking Number One on Oricon Charts and Yunho is drunk on alcohol, love and happiness.
“We got fucking NUMBER ONE, Yunho-yah!” Jaejoong slurs, face red from too many shots. He moves over to Yunho sitting on the bed and giggles next to his ear. “Hi, Yunho!”
Yunho giggles stupidly back in return because, fuck, he can’t think properly at the moment and Jaejoong is blowing into his ear and all he can think is oh god why is Jae so hot. "You are ready now, aren't you?" Yunho can't really register what Jaejoong is saying. All he knows is that he really really really wants to make out with Jaejoong now. He is so going to do something stupid in front of the other three members, oh lord help him, what should he -
And then Jaejoong’s lips are on his, and his brain ceases to function.
Changmin stops eating his ramen, chopsticks hung in midair, Yoochun stops tickling Junsu and starts clapping and cheering, "Guys, final-fucking-nally!!! Oh my god!" Junsu is screaming, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
"Junsu-yah, let's do it too!" Yoochun rubs his hands in glee. Junsu's mouth is open, "W-what?" Changmin nearly chokes on his beer laughing.
It's a little messy. It's a little screwed up. But hey, everybody is happy.
***
Yet good times don't really last, and before long the problems that have always been there, the cracks beneath everything, they start to surface.
"They are taking too much from us," Junsu says, "how is it that we are paid only this much?"
Jaejoong purses his lips. Yoochun stares at Yunho, "Do something about it, hyung."
"What do you mean, only this much?" Changmin narrows his eyes. "We had a contract."
Junsu stares back at Changmin, eyes cold, "for our sales, for who we are, we are definitely supposed to be getting more than just this."
Changmin nearly laughs. It's just so ridiculous, the image Junsu portrays and who he really is. This is the guy who pressed on even though his voice didn't stop changing for three years, all the while training and becoming one of the most all-rounded trainee in the company. This is the guy who knows so much, too much about the music industry and how it works. Changmin stares back at Junsu.
"It's so sad how people change in face of money." Changmin says, eyes livid. It's so disgusting.
"We are not kids anymore, we've got to learn to fight for ourselves. We have the ability to." Junsu says calmly, ignoring Changmin, he pushes the schedule across the mahogany table to Jaejoong, "just look at our schedule, look at it."
Jaejoong flinches slightly at the offending black file and the all-too-familiar timetable, "Maybe...we should do something about this."
"Jaejoong." Yunho's tone is grave. "Jaejoong, please." Yunho's eyes are pleading. Don't do this, please.
Silence hangs over them like a corpse and finally Junsu touches Jaejoong's arms, "Hyung, let's take a walk."
As the three of them stand up to leave the table, Yunho says, each word strained and slow, "You know that if you decide to leave, it's going to be over yeah?"
"We are not goin-"
"Hyung, let's go." Junsu presses.
***
December 2009
The skies are grey, the clouds are thick and heavy. Everything in the air smells wrong. Yunho flicks his Gauloises again off the balcony and closes his eyes. The wind is light but Yunho is battling with everything he has to not just break and fall.
He really tries because for one, Changmin is in the living room pretending to watch the television, (and he has to be strong for Changmin, for there is no one else), secondly, this has happened one too many times. He realizes that one can never have no more tears left to cry. You can only have no more energy to let them fall.
He fails eventually because his hands are shaking and his cigarette, still rather fresh, has dropped on the floor and he wants to pick it up but he realises he can't. His vision is blurring and suddenly there are wet streaks on his face. He swipes at them angrily and picks up his cigarette but his hands are not listening to him and 'fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck' why is the goddamn cigarette shaking -
"Hyung."
Yunho ignores him. (He pretends a lot these days.)
"Hyung."
Yunho doesn't reply, not because he doesn't want to but the words seemed to be stuck in his throat. He wants to apologise for everything that has happened, he's sorry, so so so fucking sorry.
Yunho doesn't know where he has gone wrong. He knows its not his fault but he cannot, simply cannot berating himself for it. After all, he is U-know Yunho; Dong Bang Shin Ki's shining leader; everyone's pillar of support.
"It's not your fault." Changmin holds him tighter. "It's not your fucking fault."
Yunho nods, he knows Changmin wouldn't lie to him, not even in times like these. There are no 'It'll be okay,' or 'We'll get through this, because honestly, lying only makes the truth more obvious.
They lie there for a while, for a long time, until Yunho has calmed down and Changmin lifts him gently and slowly and puts him to bed. It doesn't take much (even though Changmin lost weight too), Yunho lost more.
"Jae..." Yunho breathes, eyes moving frantically behind shut lids. '"Please, d-don't go."
Changmin looks at his bandmate, there are tears falling down Yunho's face again. Changmin walks out to grab some tissue, but when he finally finds a box (in the mess they call home now), it is five minutes past and he realises that Yunho's pillow is soaked too.
A song starts playing suddenly and it takes Changmin two seconds to realise that Yunho's phone is ringing and Jaejoong is singing 'Don't Say Goodbye' - he hates this voice, this song, this hypocritical son of a bitch now.
He looks at the mobile phone screen. 'Jae ~ ❤' it blinks rapidly. Changmin wants to smash the phone into pieces. After five beats he picks up the call. The last thing he wants is for Yunho to have another sleepless night, and god damn it, he can't stand hearing the song any longer. It used to be one of his favourite tracks.
"...Yunho?" Changmin can hear Jaejoong breathing into the phone. He is suddenly reminded of the days when they shared a dorm and Jaejoong breathing beside him in his sleep. It scares him.
"Yunho, we need to tal-"
"There's nothing to talk about, Jaejoong."
"Changmin." Jaejoong whispers after a short pause.
"Changmin-ah, you don't kn-"
"Don't call me that."
"Changmin. Please, we need to talk about this, we hav-"
"Did we not?” Changmin is nearly choking, wasn’t he done with his tears already? “But you still went ahead with it."
"That wasn't what we inten-"
"Don't call Yunho-hyung anymore. You have no idea what you've done to him. Please. That's the last thing you can do for him."
"Changmin-ah, sorr-"
"Hyung." Changmin's voice cracks, he's whispering now. "It's too late."
Changmin can hear Jaejoong sobbing hard in the background but he hangs up anyway. He flips open the phone once more, breaks it into half and throws it into the box of Yoochun's old clothes. The servicing lady will come by tomorrow anyway.
***
The mornings that Changmin wake up (he sleeps as much as he can now), a lot of times he finds himself alone in the apartment. Yunho is missing, he leaves a note saying that he’ll be back soon, but that never is the case. Often, Yunho comes back in the dead of the night at 3am and sleep for days.
(“Where have you been, hyung?”
“I was out, just walking around town, you know.”
“Walking around where?”
“Anywhere. You know how Seoul is so huge, it has all these amazing little alleys and stuff. It's been so long.”)
Amazing little alleys? Changmin was born and bred in Seoul, he would know if there were amazing little alleys. Truth is, Seoul's not a city that's big on alleys. Maybe only Insadong. He’s pretty damn sure Yunho doesn’t know what he’s talking about either.
***
Changmin remembers that it was a particularly cold Monday night. Both Yunho and him were home and it was too cold to go out so they just ordered Chinese takeout and turned the heater to the highest.
Yunho switches the television on. This is a very odd choice of action. Both of them have not used the television for at least months. Changmin can hear the news announcer - “Dong Bang Shin Ki ex members, Kim Jaejoong, Park Yoochun, Kim Junsu have recently resurfaced in…”
Changmin drops his cutlery, and waits. For about ten seconds, he waits for the television to be switched off, but it doesn’t happen. He walks to the living room to see Yunho sitting on the black leather sofa watching the television intently. Yunho has no expression. It scares the fuck out of Changmin.
“Hyung, switch it off.”
Yunho doesn’t reply, his grip on the remote tightening.
“What are you doing?” Changmin can still hear the television. The female news announcer is talking about Jaejoong’s tattoo, the one etched across his chest and the one on his shoulder blades. They are talking about TVXQ being five and they are talking about always keeping the faith. Changmin wants to throttle the female announcer. She proceeds to talk about their recent activities and how their departure from S.M. Entertainment is going to mean for the entertainment industry. Changmin thinks that news these days have become ridiculously in depth. Wasn’t the entertainment section supposed to be really short?
“He’s fine, Changmin-ah.”
Changmin could have easily missed it, Yunho spoke so softly. “He looks happier, doesn’t he?”
The screen was showing a video of the three of them, the subtitled text at the bottom boasting ‘J.Y.J.’.
JYJ, is that what they are calling themselves now? Changmin wants to puke.
He sits beside Yunho, holds his hand. Yunho turns to look at him and laughs a small demented laugh. Changmin’s heart hurts.
“He has a tattoo on his chest, Changmin-ah...”
Changmin nods, not sure what to reply. “Hyung.”
“But it was supposed to be my name.” Yunho’s voice is hoarse again. “I-It was supposed. To be my n-name.”
(“I’m going to tattoo our group name on my back.” Jaejoong giggles. They are spending the night in a small room by the back of the building. They ended practice not too long ago and in a few hours’ time they are going to have to head back. What’s the point of going home?
“We don’t even have a group na-”
“Yet.”
Yunho sighs. How is it that Jaejoong is forever optimistic and sure?
“I think I’m going to have to get some plastic surgery done too.”
“No way. The tattoo-ing is fine. You don’t need plastic surgery.” Yunho shakes his head vigorously.
“Yes I do, I’ve gotta refine some of my features. You know.”
“I don't know. I like you for who you are.”
“I’m still going to be me. Just more beautiful.”
“You are already beautiful to me.”
“Yunho-yah.”
“Uhhuh?”
“I’m going to tattoo your name here,” Jaejoong pulls Yunho’s right hand to his chest, “right here, okay?”
Yunho nods stoically, Jaejoong feels too real, too close right now.
“And maybe some words. I don’t know yet. Just thinking.” Jaejoong says a bit wistfully, his hand still not letting go of Yunho. Yunho can feel Jaejoong’s heart beating, du-dup, du-dup.)
***
Changmin takes Yunho to a hospital, he pretty much forced the older man into it. "I've already booked an appointment with Doctor Cho."
Yunho stares at him.
"I've already booked the appointment," Changmin repeats.
It's not that Changmin can't take Yunho skipping his meals or not sleeping, he himself has been doing quite a bit of that, but it's how Yunho himself has changed. Yunho barely even talks, when he does, it's always about something abstract, on concepts of death and the after-life, all of which doesn't really make sense. Then as though something hit him, Yunho would recover and apologize, saying that he's alright and just a little tired, and for Changmin-ah to please not worry about him.
Yesterday, while Changmin was cutting the watermelon, Yunho had suddenly appeared beside him and went on about how the knife looked so sharp and jesus christ, the watermelon was as red as blood!
That took the cake. Changmin called Doctor Cho bright and early this morning and there they are now, in the car on the way to the hospital.
"I don't need a medical check-up all of a sudden, you know." Yunho starts quietly.
"I didn't say you needed one. Both of us are going. I think it'll be...appropriate, at a time like this." Changmin replies, turning at a junction towards the left onto the highway.
"I'm not mental, Changmin-ah." Yunho smiles slightly. Not for now, at least.
***
Everything smells stale and sterile in the hospital room, Yunho has been lying on the bed for at least an hour, Doctor Cho and his nurses have come in and out numerous times, they've poked and prodded and to be quite honest, Yunho doesn't really mind that. He just really hates the scratchy bed linen that is rubbing again his skin and giving him the itch.
Alas, Doctor Cho comes in with Changmin closely behind and tells him that there is nothing wrong with him physically, but Yunho will still have to go through a few more testings. Changmin's face is grim.
"Whatever for?" Yunho frowns. If he's fine, any further testing will just be a waste of money.
"Just to be sure, you know." Doctor Cho smiles a huge fake smile.
"I'd rather not, thank you."
"Ah, but Changmin-sshi has already called for a specialist to come in soon..."
"Changmin-ah."
"Yunho-sshi, don't worry it's going to be fine."
Changmin doesn't say a word the entire time, his mind reeling from what Doctor Lee had told him earlier. Changmin-sshi. I suspect Yunho-sshi is suffering from mild depression. I suggest we get a specialist down here to do a thorough diagnosis. But don't be too worried just yet, his situation as i can tell, is fairly mild. Please do not worry yourself unduly.
"Changmin? Changmin!?" Yunho shakes him, hard. Changmin is snapped out of his reverie. "Do we have to do this? Can we go home, please?"
Yunho's voice is wavering and Changmin looks up to find that Yunho is crying. "I need to go home." Yunho repeats.
"Go wait in the car." Changmin says gently.
After Yunho left, Changmin tells Doctor Cho that he doesn't need a specialist to confirm that Yunho has depression, he already knew, right from the start, that something was wrong. He just didn't know it would come to this.
It was one thing to have your group break up, it was another to have your lover walk out on you, at the very same time.
"Just tell me what medications he has to take, and what i have to do."
"The antidepressants will have to suffice for now. Things should get better." Doctor Cho sighs, in that instant Changmin can see the fine lines on his face, even though Doctor Cho was only thirty two. "If it doesn't, you'll have to bring him back immediately, okay? Don't risk anything."
When they got home later that night, Changmin sits Yunho down on the sofa and presses two pink pills into his palm.
"Take them."
"What ar-"
"You have depression, hyung."
Changmin would never have expected this reaction, but Yunho laughed. It was a loud, hearty laugh that Changmin has not heard from Yunho in the longest time ever.
"Hyung!"
"I'm sorry oh my god, i just couldn't stop myself. This is ridiculous." Yunho pops both pills into his mouth.
"Are you okay?"
Yunho sighs. He wanders over to the kitchen where his bottles of pills lie and reads the instructions. "Two in the morning and two at night. Do i have to take these everyday?"
Changmin nods.
"Can i not?"
"Why not?! You are sick, hyung! You need treatment if not, your condition is going to worsen and you ar-"
"I'd rather die, Changmin-ah." Yunho interrupts softly.
Changmin slumps on the sofa, he buries his head in his hands and the tears that he had been holding in the whole day start to fall uncontrollably. He sits and sobs for a while until Yunho comes over and puts his arms around him, holding him tight.
"I'm sorry, Changmin-ah." Yunho presses his cheek against Changmin's head. "I forgot about you."
Yunho never forgets his pills thereafter.
Nobody else knows about Yunho's condition, not even manager-hyung. Yunho has been taking his medications and go for check-ups regularly. Changmin is relieved, but Doctor Cho reminds Changmin to not let his guard down and make sure Yunho still does continue medication because there could be a relapse if he stops taking them.
Things get better, both of them concentrate on solo activities - modelling, filming and the like. It keeps them busy, and as Changmin realises, it keeps them sane.
***
"What did they call you back for?" Changmin asks when he hears Yunho at the door, not bothering to look up from the book he's reading. English Grammar 101.
"They want us to comeback." Yunho pauses in the doorway, taking off his Raybans. His eyes are red, Changmin closes his book. "They say the lawsuit is just going to drag on and it's going to take a long time before it is settled. They want us to comeback as Dong Bang Shin Ki, Changmin-ah, just the two of us."
"What else did they say?"
"The next meeting is on this coming Thursday. And you have to be present too."
"It's all too fast. It's only been less than a year."
"I know." Yunho smiles weakly, "But we aren't expecting anymore changes, are we?" We aren't expecting them to come back, are we?
***
( .part ii)